When one partner cheats on another, it can be very difficult to move forward with either the old relationship or the affair. In many cases, ending the affair is a delicate process that requires a great deal of emotional strength and care. Whether you committed the affair and want to move on, or your partner cheated, learning how to end the affair and start the process of moving on is possible with the right guidance.
1. Assess both relationships privately. If you've been seeing someone on the side, you might be experiencing a great deal of confusion and grief over the process that awaits. It's likely that a degree of trust has been broken with your committed partner, while you also need to take the other party's feelings into account. Every relationship will be different, and it's important to evaluate both separately before planning a course of action.
Consider whether or not you should talk to your committed partner, or the new partner first. Does your affair know that you're in a committed relationship? If you made promises that you'd end your marriage for your new partner, or that you were committed to both people, you need to take special care to let the affair partner down easy.
Under no circumstances should you bring all parties together and try to hash it out as a group. Even if one or the other partner wants to make this happen, it's a situation that's best avoided
2. Decide whether or not you want to stay with your committed partner. If you're settled on ending a relationship with the person you had an affair with, you also need to decide whether or not you want to stay with your committed partner, and how you choose to address the affair together.[2]
If you want to stay together, you need to decide how much of the affair you want to reveal to your partner. If you're feeling extremely guilty and think coming clean would assuage that guilt, then do so as soon as possible. If you feel confident that it will never happen again, consider working on your relationship without revealing the affair.
Why did you feel the need to start a new relationship? Was this a momentary lapse of commitment, or are you dissatisfied in your relationship? Would you be happier to break it off permanently? It's not just up to your partner to decide whether or not to "take you back."
3. End your affair the same way you end traditional relationships. Just because affairs might be somewhat outside the purview of traditional relationships doesn't mean you don't owe your affair partner the same courtesy and respect as a more formal relationship. If you choose to end it, do so respectfully, honestly, and in person.
If your affair partner knows that you're in a committed relationship, it can be heartbreaking to have not "been chosen," even if that's not the way you're looking at the relationship. If you want to end a relationship with a person you committed an affair with, discuss it in terms of what doesn't work about that relationship, not in terms of your other marriage or committed relationship.
4. Don't leave the door open. Don't look for an easy way out of a relationship by leaving the door open with the possibility of getting back together. Don't try and suggest that you "might get together" if your marriage doesn't work out or that you'll "see what happens." If a relationship is over and it's worth ending, end it for good.[3]
If you're only ending an affair because you got caught, give serious thought to the health of your committed relationship. If you're sneaking around cheating guilt-free because you're dissatisfied, it might be better to end both relationships.
5. Get screened for sexually transmitted diseases. If you were sexually active with two different partners at the same time, it's very important that you get screened for sexually transmitted infections as soon as possible. For the safety of yourself and both partners, get tested.
If you didn't practice safe sex during an affair, it's important that you tell your committed partner. Even if you're not experiencing symptoms of sexually transmitted diseases, it's still possible to pass STDs on to your partner. You owe it to your partner to come clean for the sake of their health.
6. Eliminate online photos and correspondence. Even if you're going to come clean, make sure that your partner doesn't accidentally come across racy photos, emails, or other social networking correspondence between you and the person involved in the affair. If you're going to work on reforging your relationship, these can be unnecessary little road-bumps that will keep that from happening.
Sewing Machine
Showing posts with label abusive marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label abusive marriage. Show all posts
Why Are We Always Arguing?
Friday, February 7, 2014
In the scenario below, Rachel contributes to an argument in three ways. Can you identify them? Write your answers below the scenario, and then check them with the box “Answers” at the end of the article.
It’s Wednesday night. Rachel, 17, is done with her chores, and she’s ready for some well-earned downtime—finally! She turns on the TV and collapses into her favorite chair.
As if on cue, Mom appears in the doorway, and she doesn’t look happy. “Rachel! Why are you wasting your time watching TV when you’re supposed to be helping your sister with her homework? You never do as you’re told!”
“Here we go again,” Rachel mutters, loud enough to be heard.
Mom leans forward. “What did you say, young lady?”
“Nothing, Mom,” Rachel says with a sigh, rolling her eyes.
Now Mom is really angry. “Don’t use that tone with me!” she says.
“What about the tone you’re using with me?” Rachel shoots back.
Downtime is over . . . Another argument has begun.
1. ․․․․․
2. ․․․․․
3. ․․․․․
DOES the above scenario seem familiar? Do you and your parents constantly argue? If so, take a moment to analyze the situation. Which topics cause the most conflict? Put a check mark next to the ones that apply—or fill in your own topic next to “Other.”
◯ Attitude
◯ Chores
◯ Clothing
◯ Curfew
◯ Entertainment
◯ Friends
◯ Opposite sex
◯ Other ․․․․․
Regardless of the topic, arguing leaves you—and your parents—feeling stressed. Of course, you could just bite your tongue and put on a show of agreeing with everything your parents say. But does God expect you to do that? No. It is true that the Bible tells you to “honor your father and your mother.” (Ephesians 6:2, 3) But it also encourages you to develop your “thinking ability” and to use your “power of reason.” (Proverbs 1:1-4; Romans 12:1) When you do, it’s inevitable that you will have strong convictions, some of which may differ from those of your parents. However, in families that apply Bible principles, parents and youths can communicate peacefully—even when they don’t see eye to eye.—Colossians 3:13.
How can you express yourself without turning normal conversation into open warfare? It’s easy to say: “That’s my parents’ problem. After all, they’re the ones who are always on my back!” But think: How much control do you have over others, including your parents? Really, the only person you can change is you. And the good news is, if you do your part to ease the tension, your parents are more likely to remain calm and hear you out when you have something to say.
So let’s see what you can do to put a lid on the arguing. Apply the suggestions that follow, and you might amaze your parents—and yourself—with your newfound communication skills.
(Suggestion: Put a check mark next to the suggestions that you need to work on.)
◯ Think before you respond. The Bible says: “Good people think before they answer.” (Proverbs 15:28, Today’s English Version) Don’t blurt out the first thing that comes to your mind when you feel that you’re under attack. For instance, suppose your mom says: “Why didn’t you wash the dishes? You never do as you’re told!” An impulsive reply might be, “Why are you nagging me?” But use your thinking ability. Try to perceive the feeling behind your mom’s words. Usually, statements with terms like “always” and “never” are not to be taken literally. They do, however, indicate an underlying emotion. What might it be?
Perhaps your mom is frustrated, feeling that she is burdened with more than her share of the housework. It could be that she merely wants reassurance that she has your support. Or, to be honest, maybe you’ve built up a track record of balking at chores. In any event, saying “Why are you nagging me?” will get you nowhere—except maybe into an argument! So instead, why not put your mom at ease? For example, you could say: “I can see you’re upset, Mom. I’ll do the dishes right away.” A caution: Do not lace your words with sarcasm. Responding with empathy will more likely ease the tension between you.
Below, write a statement that your dad or mom might make that could provoke you, if you let it.
․․․․․
Now think of an empathetic response you could use that might address the feeling behind the statement.
․․․․․
◯ Speak respectfully. Michelle has learned from experience the importance of how she speaks to her mother. “No matter what the issue is,” she says, “it always comes back to Mom’s not liking my tone of voice.” If that’s often true in your case, learn to speak quietly and slowly, and avoid rolling your eyes or giving other nonverbal indications of your annoyance. (Proverbs 30:17) If you feel that you’re about to lose control, offer a brief, silent prayer to God. (Nehemiah 2:4) Of course, your objective isn’t to get divine help to ‘get your parent off your back’ but to maintain self-control so that you don’t add fuel to the fire.—James 1:26.
In the space below, write down some words and actions you would do well to avoid.
Verbal expressions (what you say):
․․․․․
Nonverbal expressions (your facial and body language):
․․․․․
◯ Listen. The Bible states: “You will say the wrong thing if you talk too much.” (Proverbs 10:19, Contemporary English Version) So make sure you give your dad or mom a chance to speak, and give your parent your full attention. Turn off your music, set aside your book or magazine, and maintain eye contact. Don’t interrupt to justify your actions. Just listen. Later, when they’re finished talking, you’ll have plenty of opportunity to ask questions or to explain your viewpoint. On the other hand, if you dig in your heels and press your viewpoint now, you might only make things worse. Even if there’s more you’d like to say, right now is probably “a time to keep quiet.”—Ecclesiastes 3:7.
◯ Be willing to apologize. It’s always appropriate to say “I’m sorry” for anything you did to contribute to a conflict. (Romans 14:19) You can even say you’re sorry that there is any conflict. If you find it hard to do this face-to-face, try expressing your feelings in a note. Then, ‘go the extra mile’ by changing any behavior that contributed to the conflict in the first place. (Matthew 5:41) For example, if neglecting a chore has ignited an argument, why not surprise your parents by caring for that chore? Even if you dislike the task, wouldn’t getting it done be better than facing the consequences when your parents see it’s still been neglected?—Matthew 21:28-31.
In the end, working to resolve or prevent conflict will make life easier for you. In fact, the Bible says that a person “of loving-kindness is dealing rewardingly with his own soul.” (Proverbs 11:17) So think of what you stand to gain by doing your part to reduce the tension between you and your parents.
Successful families have conflicts, but they know how to settle them peacefully. Practice the skills outlined in this article, and you may find that you can discuss even difficult topics with your parents—without arguing!
More articles from the “Young People Ask” series can be found at the Web site www.watchtower.org/ype
TO THINK ABOUT
● Why do some of your peers often prize the ability to argue?
● Why does Jehovah view an argumentative person as being foolish?—Proverbs 20:3.
[Box/Pictures on page 27]
WHAT YOUR PEERS SAY
“I had to realize that although I work and support myself financially, I still live in my mom’s house and have to listen to her. She has taken care of me for many years, so when she checks up on me—like with regard to my curfew—I completely understand.”
“If my parents and I don’t agree on something, we pray about it, look up information on it, and discuss it. We always come to a mutual resolution in this way. When we keep Jehovah involved, it always works out in the end.”
ANSWERS
1. The use of sarcasm (“Here we go again”) only poured fuel on the fire of Mom’s frustration.
2. Rachel’s facial expression (rolling her eyes) was just asking for trouble.
3. Talking back (“What about the tone you’re using with me?”) almost always backfires.
A NOTE TO PARENTS
Look at the scenario that opened this article. Can you identify some things Rachel’s mom did that only contributed to an argument? How can you avoid arguing with your teen? The following are some points to keep in mind:
Avoid sweeping assertions, such as “You always . . .” or “You never . . .” Such statements only invite a defensive response. After all, they are likely to be exaggerations, and your child knows it. Your child may also know that sweeping assertions are really more about your anger than his or her irresponsibility.
Rather than using blunt statements that begin with the word “you,” try expressing how your child’s behavior affects you. For example, “When you . . . , I feel . . . .” Believe it or not, deep down your feelings are important to your teen. By letting your teen know how you are affected, you are more likely to elicit his or her cooperation.
Hard as it may be, hold back until your temper is in check. (Proverbs 10:19) If the issue that is causing the argument involves chores, discuss it with your child. Write down specifically what is required of him or her and, if necessary, make clear what the consequences will be if your expectations are not met. Patiently listen to your child’s point of view, even if you feel that view is incorrect. Most teens respond better to a listening ear than to a lecture.
Before hastily concluding that the world’s spirit of rebellion has taken control of your teen, realize that much of what you observe is part of your child’s natural development. Your child may argue a point just to prove that he or she is growing up. Resist the urge to get involved in disputes. Remember, how you respond to provocation teaches a lesson to your teen. Exercise patience and long-suffering, and you will set a good example for your son or daughter to follow.—Galatians 5:22, 23.
It’s Wednesday night. Rachel, 17, is done with her chores, and she’s ready for some well-earned downtime—finally! She turns on the TV and collapses into her favorite chair.
As if on cue, Mom appears in the doorway, and she doesn’t look happy. “Rachel! Why are you wasting your time watching TV when you’re supposed to be helping your sister with her homework? You never do as you’re told!”
“Here we go again,” Rachel mutters, loud enough to be heard.
Mom leans forward. “What did you say, young lady?”
“Nothing, Mom,” Rachel says with a sigh, rolling her eyes.
Now Mom is really angry. “Don’t use that tone with me!” she says.
“What about the tone you’re using with me?” Rachel shoots back.
Downtime is over . . . Another argument has begun.
1. ․․․․․
2. ․․․․․
3. ․․․․․
DOES the above scenario seem familiar? Do you and your parents constantly argue? If so, take a moment to analyze the situation. Which topics cause the most conflict? Put a check mark next to the ones that apply—or fill in your own topic next to “Other.”
◯ Attitude
◯ Chores
◯ Clothing
◯ Curfew
◯ Entertainment
◯ Friends
◯ Opposite sex
◯ Other ․․․․․
Regardless of the topic, arguing leaves you—and your parents—feeling stressed. Of course, you could just bite your tongue and put on a show of agreeing with everything your parents say. But does God expect you to do that? No. It is true that the Bible tells you to “honor your father and your mother.” (Ephesians 6:2, 3) But it also encourages you to develop your “thinking ability” and to use your “power of reason.” (Proverbs 1:1-4; Romans 12:1) When you do, it’s inevitable that you will have strong convictions, some of which may differ from those of your parents. However, in families that apply Bible principles, parents and youths can communicate peacefully—even when they don’t see eye to eye.—Colossians 3:13.
How can you express yourself without turning normal conversation into open warfare? It’s easy to say: “That’s my parents’ problem. After all, they’re the ones who are always on my back!” But think: How much control do you have over others, including your parents? Really, the only person you can change is you. And the good news is, if you do your part to ease the tension, your parents are more likely to remain calm and hear you out when you have something to say.
So let’s see what you can do to put a lid on the arguing. Apply the suggestions that follow, and you might amaze your parents—and yourself—with your newfound communication skills.
(Suggestion: Put a check mark next to the suggestions that you need to work on.)
◯ Think before you respond. The Bible says: “Good people think before they answer.” (Proverbs 15:28, Today’s English Version) Don’t blurt out the first thing that comes to your mind when you feel that you’re under attack. For instance, suppose your mom says: “Why didn’t you wash the dishes? You never do as you’re told!” An impulsive reply might be, “Why are you nagging me?” But use your thinking ability. Try to perceive the feeling behind your mom’s words. Usually, statements with terms like “always” and “never” are not to be taken literally. They do, however, indicate an underlying emotion. What might it be?
Perhaps your mom is frustrated, feeling that she is burdened with more than her share of the housework. It could be that she merely wants reassurance that she has your support. Or, to be honest, maybe you’ve built up a track record of balking at chores. In any event, saying “Why are you nagging me?” will get you nowhere—except maybe into an argument! So instead, why not put your mom at ease? For example, you could say: “I can see you’re upset, Mom. I’ll do the dishes right away.” A caution: Do not lace your words with sarcasm. Responding with empathy will more likely ease the tension between you.
Below, write a statement that your dad or mom might make that could provoke you, if you let it.
․․․․․
Now think of an empathetic response you could use that might address the feeling behind the statement.
․․․․․
◯ Speak respectfully. Michelle has learned from experience the importance of how she speaks to her mother. “No matter what the issue is,” she says, “it always comes back to Mom’s not liking my tone of voice.” If that’s often true in your case, learn to speak quietly and slowly, and avoid rolling your eyes or giving other nonverbal indications of your annoyance. (Proverbs 30:17) If you feel that you’re about to lose control, offer a brief, silent prayer to God. (Nehemiah 2:4) Of course, your objective isn’t to get divine help to ‘get your parent off your back’ but to maintain self-control so that you don’t add fuel to the fire.—James 1:26.
In the space below, write down some words and actions you would do well to avoid.
Verbal expressions (what you say):
․․․․․
Nonverbal expressions (your facial and body language):
․․․․․
◯ Listen. The Bible states: “You will say the wrong thing if you talk too much.” (Proverbs 10:19, Contemporary English Version) So make sure you give your dad or mom a chance to speak, and give your parent your full attention. Turn off your music, set aside your book or magazine, and maintain eye contact. Don’t interrupt to justify your actions. Just listen. Later, when they’re finished talking, you’ll have plenty of opportunity to ask questions or to explain your viewpoint. On the other hand, if you dig in your heels and press your viewpoint now, you might only make things worse. Even if there’s more you’d like to say, right now is probably “a time to keep quiet.”—Ecclesiastes 3:7.
◯ Be willing to apologize. It’s always appropriate to say “I’m sorry” for anything you did to contribute to a conflict. (Romans 14:19) You can even say you’re sorry that there is any conflict. If you find it hard to do this face-to-face, try expressing your feelings in a note. Then, ‘go the extra mile’ by changing any behavior that contributed to the conflict in the first place. (Matthew 5:41) For example, if neglecting a chore has ignited an argument, why not surprise your parents by caring for that chore? Even if you dislike the task, wouldn’t getting it done be better than facing the consequences when your parents see it’s still been neglected?—Matthew 21:28-31.
In the end, working to resolve or prevent conflict will make life easier for you. In fact, the Bible says that a person “of loving-kindness is dealing rewardingly with his own soul.” (Proverbs 11:17) So think of what you stand to gain by doing your part to reduce the tension between you and your parents.
Successful families have conflicts, but they know how to settle them peacefully. Practice the skills outlined in this article, and you may find that you can discuss even difficult topics with your parents—without arguing!
More articles from the “Young People Ask” series can be found at the Web site www.watchtower.org/ype
TO THINK ABOUT
● Why do some of your peers often prize the ability to argue?
● Why does Jehovah view an argumentative person as being foolish?—Proverbs 20:3.
[Box/Pictures on page 27]
WHAT YOUR PEERS SAY
“I had to realize that although I work and support myself financially, I still live in my mom’s house and have to listen to her. She has taken care of me for many years, so when she checks up on me—like with regard to my curfew—I completely understand.”
“If my parents and I don’t agree on something, we pray about it, look up information on it, and discuss it. We always come to a mutual resolution in this way. When we keep Jehovah involved, it always works out in the end.”
ANSWERS
1. The use of sarcasm (“Here we go again”) only poured fuel on the fire of Mom’s frustration.
2. Rachel’s facial expression (rolling her eyes) was just asking for trouble.
3. Talking back (“What about the tone you’re using with me?”) almost always backfires.
A NOTE TO PARENTS
Look at the scenario that opened this article. Can you identify some things Rachel’s mom did that only contributed to an argument? How can you avoid arguing with your teen? The following are some points to keep in mind:
Avoid sweeping assertions, such as “You always . . .” or “You never . . .” Such statements only invite a defensive response. After all, they are likely to be exaggerations, and your child knows it. Your child may also know that sweeping assertions are really more about your anger than his or her irresponsibility.
Rather than using blunt statements that begin with the word “you,” try expressing how your child’s behavior affects you. For example, “When you . . . , I feel . . . .” Believe it or not, deep down your feelings are important to your teen. By letting your teen know how you are affected, you are more likely to elicit his or her cooperation.
Hard as it may be, hold back until your temper is in check. (Proverbs 10:19) If the issue that is causing the argument involves chores, discuss it with your child. Write down specifically what is required of him or her and, if necessary, make clear what the consequences will be if your expectations are not met. Patiently listen to your child’s point of view, even if you feel that view is incorrect. Most teens respond better to a listening ear than to a lecture.
Before hastily concluding that the world’s spirit of rebellion has taken control of your teen, realize that much of what you observe is part of your child’s natural development. Your child may argue a point just to prove that he or she is growing up. Resist the urge to get involved in disputes. Remember, how you respond to provocation teaches a lesson to your teen. Exercise patience and long-suffering, and you will set a good example for your son or daughter to follow.—Galatians 5:22, 23.
Should We Break Up?
Saturday, December 14, 2013
“Three months into the relationship, both of us were saying that it felt so right. We talked about spending the rest of our lives together as if it were just a given.”—Lizzy.
“I had a huge crush on him, and then a couple of years later, he actually started noticing me! I liked having an older boyfriend who would watch out for me.”—Cathy.
In time, both Jessica and Carol broke up with their boyfriends. Why? Were they foolish for giving up such great guys?
YOU’VE been dating for nearly a year. At first, you were sure that he was “the one.” At times, you can even rekindle the romantic feelings that characterized the onset of your relationship. But now you’re having second thoughts. Should you ignore those thoughts? How can you know if you should break up?
First, you need to face a cold truth: Disregarding danger signs in a relationship is like ignoring the warning signals on your car’s dashboard. The problem will not go away; likely it will only get worse. What are some of the danger signs in a relationship that you would do well to heed?
Things are moving too fast. Problems can arise when a romance moves too quickly. “We were e-mailing, chatting online, talking on the phone,” Carol recalls. “Those methods of communication can be more powerful than face-to-face because you can get way more personal, way too fast!” Don’t rob yourselves of the chance to get to know each other. A relationship should not be like a weed that sprouts up fast and then withers. Rather, it should be like a precious plant that takes time to grow.
He’s critical and demeaning. “My boyfriend was always putting me down,” says a girl named Ana, “but I wanted to be with him so badly.” She adds, “I tolerated situations that I never dreamed I would have allowed!” The Bible condemns “abusive speech.” (Ephesians 4:31) Demeaning words—even if they are delivered calmly and quietly—have no place in a loving relationship.
He’s got a volatile temper. “A man of discernment is cool of spirit,” says Proverbs 17:27. Erin found that her boyfriend had problems in this regard. “When we had disagreements, he would shove me,” she says, “and at times I ended up with bruises.” The Bible tells Christians: “Let all malicious bitterness and anger and wrath . . . be taken away from you.” (Ephesians 4:31) A person with little self-control is hardly ready for dating.
He’s secretive about our relationship. “My boyfriend didn’t want others to know that we were dating,” recalls Angela. “He was even upset when my dad found out!” Of course, there may be valid reasons for a couple to maintain a measure of privacy. But secrecy—a deliberate attempt to keep the relationship hidden from those who have a right to know about it—spells trouble.
He has no intention of marriage. Among Christians, dating has an honorable purpose—to help a young man and woman determine if they want to get married to each other. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you need to make wedding plans the moment you start dating. In fact, many people do not end up marrying the first person they date. At the same time, a person shouldn’t date if he or she isn’t ready to shoulder the responsibilities of marriage.
Our relationship is on-again, off-again. Proverbs 17:17 states: “A true companion is loving all the time.” Not that the two of you will always agree. But a relationship that constantly seesaws between breaking up and making up could indicate that something deeper needs to be addressed, as Ana came to realize. “The many times I broke up with my boyfriend brought me so much heartache!” she says. “I kept going back to fix a relationship that I would have done better without.”
He pressures me for sex. “If you love me, you’ll do it.” “We need to take our relationship to the next level.” “It’s not really sex if there’s no intercourse.” These are all manipulative lines that boys have used to pressure girls into sex. Says James 3:17: “The wisdom from above is first of all chaste.” You deserve a boyfriend who is morally clean and who respects your chaste sexual boundaries. Don’t settle for anything less!
Others have warned me about him. The Bible says: “Get all the advice you can, and you will succeed; without it you will fail.” (Proverbs 15:22, Today’s English Version) “You can’t ignore what your family and longtime friends think, any more than you can ignore those little alarm bells that ring in your head,” says Jessica. “The more you ignore what others are saying, the harder you’re making it on yourself.”
Above are just a few danger signs that could mean trouble in a relationship. If you are dating, how does your boyfriend measure up in the areas discussed? Write below any personal concerns you may have.
How to Break Up
Suppose you determine that it’s best to end a relationship. How will you do so? There are a number of ways, but keep the following in mind.
Be courageous. “I had become so reliant on my boyfriend that I was afraid to leave him,” says a girl named Trina. It takes courage to speak up when a relationship needs to end. But standing up for yourself is healthy. It enables you to establish firm boundaries as to what you will and what you will not tolerate in a dating relationship—and, later, in a marriage.
Be fair. If you were on the other end of the breakup, how would you want to be treated? Surely, your boyfriend deserves more than a brief e-mail, text message, or voice mail saying “We’re through!”
Choose the right setting. Should you talk face-to-face or over the phone? Should you write a letter or have a discussion? Much depends upon the circumstances. You should not meet in any setting where your safety would be put in jeopardy, nor would it be wise to be in an isolated area where wrong desires could be stirred.
Speak truthfully. Talk honestly about why you feel the relationship cannot continue. If you feel that your boyfriend has not treated you properly, say so. Stick to viewpoint statements. For example, instead of saying, “You’re always putting me down,” say, “I feel put down when you . . .”
Be willing to listen too. Is there something you’ve misunderstood about the situation? Do not allow yourself to be manipulated by clever words, but at the same time, be reasonable and consider all the facts. The Bible wisely admonishes Christians to “be swift about hearing, slow about speaking.”—James 1:19.
“I had a huge crush on him, and then a couple of years later, he actually started noticing me! I liked having an older boyfriend who would watch out for me.”—Cathy.
In time, both Jessica and Carol broke up with their boyfriends. Why? Were they foolish for giving up such great guys?
YOU’VE been dating for nearly a year. At first, you were sure that he was “the one.” At times, you can even rekindle the romantic feelings that characterized the onset of your relationship. But now you’re having second thoughts. Should you ignore those thoughts? How can you know if you should break up?
First, you need to face a cold truth: Disregarding danger signs in a relationship is like ignoring the warning signals on your car’s dashboard. The problem will not go away; likely it will only get worse. What are some of the danger signs in a relationship that you would do well to heed?
Things are moving too fast. Problems can arise when a romance moves too quickly. “We were e-mailing, chatting online, talking on the phone,” Carol recalls. “Those methods of communication can be more powerful than face-to-face because you can get way more personal, way too fast!” Don’t rob yourselves of the chance to get to know each other. A relationship should not be like a weed that sprouts up fast and then withers. Rather, it should be like a precious plant that takes time to grow.
He’s critical and demeaning. “My boyfriend was always putting me down,” says a girl named Ana, “but I wanted to be with him so badly.” She adds, “I tolerated situations that I never dreamed I would have allowed!” The Bible condemns “abusive speech.” (Ephesians 4:31) Demeaning words—even if they are delivered calmly and quietly—have no place in a loving relationship.
He’s got a volatile temper. “A man of discernment is cool of spirit,” says Proverbs 17:27. Erin found that her boyfriend had problems in this regard. “When we had disagreements, he would shove me,” she says, “and at times I ended up with bruises.” The Bible tells Christians: “Let all malicious bitterness and anger and wrath . . . be taken away from you.” (Ephesians 4:31) A person with little self-control is hardly ready for dating.
He’s secretive about our relationship. “My boyfriend didn’t want others to know that we were dating,” recalls Angela. “He was even upset when my dad found out!” Of course, there may be valid reasons for a couple to maintain a measure of privacy. But secrecy—a deliberate attempt to keep the relationship hidden from those who have a right to know about it—spells trouble.
He has no intention of marriage. Among Christians, dating has an honorable purpose—to help a young man and woman determine if they want to get married to each other. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you need to make wedding plans the moment you start dating. In fact, many people do not end up marrying the first person they date. At the same time, a person shouldn’t date if he or she isn’t ready to shoulder the responsibilities of marriage.
Our relationship is on-again, off-again. Proverbs 17:17 states: “A true companion is loving all the time.” Not that the two of you will always agree. But a relationship that constantly seesaws between breaking up and making up could indicate that something deeper needs to be addressed, as Ana came to realize. “The many times I broke up with my boyfriend brought me so much heartache!” she says. “I kept going back to fix a relationship that I would have done better without.”
He pressures me for sex. “If you love me, you’ll do it.” “We need to take our relationship to the next level.” “It’s not really sex if there’s no intercourse.” These are all manipulative lines that boys have used to pressure girls into sex. Says James 3:17: “The wisdom from above is first of all chaste.” You deserve a boyfriend who is morally clean and who respects your chaste sexual boundaries. Don’t settle for anything less!
Others have warned me about him. The Bible says: “Get all the advice you can, and you will succeed; without it you will fail.” (Proverbs 15:22, Today’s English Version) “You can’t ignore what your family and longtime friends think, any more than you can ignore those little alarm bells that ring in your head,” says Jessica. “The more you ignore what others are saying, the harder you’re making it on yourself.”
Above are just a few danger signs that could mean trouble in a relationship. If you are dating, how does your boyfriend measure up in the areas discussed? Write below any personal concerns you may have.
How to Break Up
Suppose you determine that it’s best to end a relationship. How will you do so? There are a number of ways, but keep the following in mind.
Be courageous. “I had become so reliant on my boyfriend that I was afraid to leave him,” says a girl named Trina. It takes courage to speak up when a relationship needs to end. But standing up for yourself is healthy. It enables you to establish firm boundaries as to what you will and what you will not tolerate in a dating relationship—and, later, in a marriage.
Be fair. If you were on the other end of the breakup, how would you want to be treated? Surely, your boyfriend deserves more than a brief e-mail, text message, or voice mail saying “We’re through!”
Choose the right setting. Should you talk face-to-face or over the phone? Should you write a letter or have a discussion? Much depends upon the circumstances. You should not meet in any setting where your safety would be put in jeopardy, nor would it be wise to be in an isolated area where wrong desires could be stirred.
Speak truthfully. Talk honestly about why you feel the relationship cannot continue. If you feel that your boyfriend has not treated you properly, say so. Stick to viewpoint statements. For example, instead of saying, “You’re always putting me down,” say, “I feel put down when you . . .”
Be willing to listen too. Is there something you’ve misunderstood about the situation? Do not allow yourself to be manipulated by clever words, but at the same time, be reasonable and consider all the facts. The Bible wisely admonishes Christians to “be swift about hearing, slow about speaking.”—James 1:19.
Am Married But Falling In Love With Another Man
Saturday, November 2, 2013
After been through many ordeals the kids were staying with their father, so she relocated from Jefferson Ohio to another city in Ohio named Cleveland ,
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| Wife cheating on Husband |
Prior to this period she tried the internet online dating sites, and was talking to a man ( Larry) she met online and was so in love with this man, the man made a lot of promises to her and told her she was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. She loved this man so much and knew she would marry him immediately if they were in the altar. Larry sent her an engagement ring, she lost contact with this Larry, even though she lived with the thoughts of him with each passing day and missed him more than oxygen but had to live on waiting for him to come.
After involvement in many sexual activities with Daniel her room mate,
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Now Rebecca does not want to hurt Daniel as she realize he love her so much and care about her,
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