How to Be a Good Father

“Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”—Colossians 3:21, The Holy Bible—New International Version.

HOW can a father avoid making his children feel bitter? It is vital that he recognize the importance of his role as a father. “Fatherhood turns out to be a complex and unique phenomenon with huge consequences for the emotional and intellectual growth of children,” says one journal on mental health.
What is the role of a father? In many families the father is seen primarily as the one who dispenses discipline. Many a mother has told a misbehaving child, ‘Just wait till your father gets home!’ To be sure, children need balanced discipline and a measure of firmness if they are to become well-adjusted adults. More, though, is involved in being a good father.

Sadly, not every father had a good example to help him. Some men were raised without a father in the home. But in other cases, men who were brought up by a rigid, austere father may tend to treat their children the same way. How can such a father break that mold and improve his parenting skills?
There is a source of practical and trustworthy advice on how to be a good father. The Bible contains the best advice on family life. Its counsel is not mere theory; nor does its guidance ever work to our harm. The Bible’s counsel reflects the wisdom of its Author, Jehovah God, who is the Originator of family life. (Ephesians 3:14, 15) If you are a father, you would do well to consider what the Bible has to say about parenting. Although the Scriptural counsel considered in this article focuses primarily on the father’s role, many of the principles are applicable to mothers as well.


Being a good father is important not only for the physical and emotional welfare of your children but also for their spiritual well-being. A child who has a very loving and close relationship with his father may even find it easier to develop a close and intimate relationship with God. After all, the Bible shows that, in a sense, Jehovah, our Creator, is a Father to us. (Isaiah 64:8) Let us now consider six things that children need from their father. In each case, we will examine how applying Bible principles can help a father to fill those needs.

1 Children Need Their Father’s Love

Jehovah sets the perfect example as a Father. Describing how God feels about Jesus, his firstborn Son, the Bible says: “The Father loves the Son.” (John 3:35; Colossians 1:15) On more than one occasion, Jehovah expressed love for his Son and approval of him. When Jesus was baptized, Jehovah spoke from the heavens, saying: “You are my Son, the beloved; I have approved you.” (Luke 3:22) Jesus never doubted his Father’s love for him. What can a human father learn from God’s example?

Never be reluctant to tell your children that you love them. Kelvin, a father of five, says: “I have always tried to express my love for my children not only by telling them that I love them but also by showing a personal interest in each one of them. I shared in changing their diapers and in bathing them.” In addition, your children need to know that they have your approval. So do not be overly critical, constantly correcting them. Rather, be generous with praise. Donizete, who has two teenage girls, recommends, “A father should make a point of looking for opportunities to commend his children.” Knowing that they have your approval can help your children to have a healthy sense of self-worth. That, in turn, can help them to draw closer to God.

2 Children Need a Positive Example
Jesus can do “only what he beholds the Father doing,” says John 5:19. Notice that the text says that Jesus saw and practiced what his Father was “doing.” Children will often do the same. For example, if the father treats his wife with respect and dignity, his son may well grow up to treat women with dignity and respect. Not only are boys’ attitudes affected by their father’s example but girls’ views of men may be influenced by their father’s example.

Do your children find it difficult to apologize? Here again, example is important. Kelvin remembers an occasion when two of his boys broke an expensive camera. He got so angry that he pounded a wooden table and it split in two. Kelvin felt very bad afterward and apologized to all, including his wife, for having lost his temper. He feels that his apology had a positive effect on his children; they do not have any difficulty in saying that they are sorry.

3 Children Need a Happy Environment

Jehovah is a “happy God.” (1 Timothy 1:11) Not surprisingly, his Son, Jesus, found great joy in being with his Father. Proverbs 8:30 sheds light on the relationship between Jesus and his Father: “I came to be beside him [the Father] as a master worker, . . . I being glad [“rejoicing,” NIV] before him all the time.” What a warm relationship existed between Father and Son!
Your children need a happy environment. Taking the time to play with your children can help to create such an environment. Playing together helps parent and child to bond. Felix agrees with that. He has a teenage son and says: “Setting aside time for recreation with my son has been very important to our relationship. We play games together, associate with friends, and visit enjoyable places. This has strengthened our sense of family togetherness.”

4 Children Need to Be Taught Spiritual Values

Jesus was taught by his Father. Jesus could therefore say: “The very things I heard from him [the Father] I am speaking in the world.” (John 8:26) In God’s eyes, a father is responsible for educating his children morally and spiritually. One of your responsibilities as a father is to inculcate right principles into the hearts of your children. Such training should start from an early age. (2 Timothy 3:14, 15) Felix began to read Bible stories to his son when he was still small. Felix used colorful, interesting stories, including those found in My Book of Bible Stories.* As his son grew older, Felix chose other Bible-based publications that were appropriate for his son’s age.
Donizete says: “It is a real challenge to make family Bible study enjoyable. It is important that parents show that they appreciate spiritual matters, since children are quick to note inconsistencies.” Carlos, who has three sons, comments: “We hold a weekly meeting to consider the family’s needs. Each member of the family has the opportunity to choose what will be discussed.” Kelvin always sought to talk to his children about God wherever they were and whatever they were doing. That reminds us of Moses’ words: “These words that I am commanding you today must prove to be on your heart; and you must inculcate them in your son and speak of them when you sit in your house and when you walk on the road and when you lie down and when you get up.”—Deuteronomy 6:6, 7.

5 Children Need Discipline
Children need discipline so that they can grow up to be productive and responsible adults. Some parents seem to think that disciplining their children involves severe treatment, including harsh threats or belittling insults. The Bible, however, does not associate parental discipline with harshness. On the contrary, parents should discipline in love, just as Jehovah does. (Hebrews 12:4-11) The Bible says: “Fathers, do not be irritating your children, but go on bringing them up in the discipline and mental-regulating of Jehovah.”—Ephesians 6:4.

Occasionally, punishment may be necessary. A child, though, should understand why he is being punished. Parental discipline should never leave a child feeling rejected. The Bible does not endorse severe beatings, which may even injure a child. (Proverbs 16:32) Kelvin comments, “When I needed to correct my children about serious matters, I always tried to make it clear that my motive for correcting them was my love for them.”

6 Children Need to Be Protected

Children need to be protected from unwholesome influences and potentially harmful associates. Sadly, there are “wicked men” in this world who are bent on exploiting innocent children. (2 Timothy 3:1-5, 13) How can you protect your children? The Bible offers this wise advice: “Shrewd is the one that has seen the calamity and proceeds to conceal himself, but the inexperienced have passed along and must suffer the penalty.” (Proverbs 22:3) To shield your children from calamity, you must be alert to dangers. Anticipate situations that could lead to problems, and take due precautions. For example, if you allow your children access to the Internet, be sure that they know how to use it safely. It may be best to keep the computer in an open area where you can easily monitor its use.

A father needs to prepare and train his children for the dangers they may face in this abusive world. Do your children know what to do in case someone tries to take advantage of them when you are not present?* Your children need to know the proper and improper use of their private body parts. Kelvin comments: “I never left this training to others, not even their teachers. I felt that it was my personal responsibility to teach my children about sex and the danger of child molesters.” All his children safely reached adulthood and are now happily married.

Seek God’s Help

The greatest gift a father can give to his children is that of helping them to develop a solid personal relationship with God. The father’s example is of utmost importance. Donizete says: “Fathers need to show how much they treasure their own relationship with God. This should become especially clear when they face personal problems or difficulties. On such occasions, the father shows how deeply he trusts in Jehovah. Family prayer, with repeated expressions of appreciation to God for His goodness, will teach children the importance of having God as their Friend.”
What, then, is the key to being a good father? Seek the advice of the one who knows best how to raise children—Jehovah God. If you train your children according to the guidance of God’s Word, you may well see the results described at Proverbs 22:6: “Even when he grows old he will not turn aside from it.”

How to Be a Good Father

“Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”—Colossians 3:21, The Holy Bible—New International Version.

HOW can a father avoid making his children feel bitter? It is vital that he recognize the importance of his role as a father. “Fatherhood turns out to be a complex and unique phenomenon with huge consequences for the emotional and intellectual growth of children,” says one journal on mental health.
What is the role of a father? In many families the father is seen primarily as the one who dispenses discipline. Many a mother has told a misbehaving child, ‘Just wait till your father gets home!’ To be sure, children need balanced discipline and a measure of firmness if they are to become well-adjusted adults. More, though, is involved in being a good father.

Sadly, not every father had a good example to help him. Some men were raised without a father in the home. But in other cases, men who were brought up by a rigid, austere father may tend to treat their children the same way. How can such a father break that mold and improve his parenting skills?
There is a source of practical and trustworthy advice on how to be a good father. The Bible contains the best advice on family life. Its counsel is not mere theory; nor does its guidance ever work to our harm. The Bible’s counsel reflects the wisdom of its Author, Jehovah God, who is the Originator of family life. (Ephesians 3:14, 15) If you are a father, you would do well to consider what the Bible has to say about parenting. Although the Scriptural counsel considered in this article focuses primarily on the father’s role, many of the principles are applicable to mothers as well.


Being a good father is important not only for the physical and emotional welfare of your children but also for their spiritual well-being. A child who has a very loving and close relationship with his father may even find it easier to develop a close and intimate relationship with God. After all, the Bible shows that, in a sense, Jehovah, our Creator, is a Father to us. (Isaiah 64:8) Let us now consider six things that children need from their father. In each case, we will examine how applying Bible principles can help a father to fill those needs.

1 Children Need Their Father’s Love

Jehovah sets the perfect example as a Father. Describing how God feels about Jesus, his firstborn Son, the Bible says: “The Father loves the Son.” (John 3:35; Colossians 1:15) On more than one occasion, Jehovah expressed love for his Son and approval of him. When Jesus was baptized, Jehovah spoke from the heavens, saying: “You are my Son, the beloved; I have approved you.” (Luke 3:22) Jesus never doubted his Father’s love for him. What can a human father learn from God’s example?

Never be reluctant to tell your children that you love them. Kelvin, a father of five, says: “I have always tried to express my love for my children not only by telling them that I love them but also by showing a personal interest in each one of them. I shared in changing their diapers and in bathing them.” In addition, your children need to know that they have your approval. So do not be overly critical, constantly correcting them. Rather, be generous with praise. Donizete, who has two teenage girls, recommends, “A father should make a point of looking for opportunities to commend his children.” Knowing that they have your approval can help your children to have a healthy sense of self-worth. That, in turn, can help them to draw closer to God.

2 Children Need a Positive Example
Jesus can do “only what he beholds the Father doing,” says John 5:19. Notice that the text says that Jesus saw and practiced what his Father was “doing.” Children will often do the same. For example, if the father treats his wife with respect and dignity, his son may well grow up to treat women with dignity and respect. Not only are boys’ attitudes affected by their father’s example but girls’ views of men may be influenced by their father’s example.

Do your children find it difficult to apologize? Here again, example is important. Kelvin remembers an occasion when two of his boys broke an expensive camera. He got so angry that he pounded a wooden table and it split in two. Kelvin felt very bad afterward and apologized to all, including his wife, for having lost his temper. He feels that his apology had a positive effect on his children; they do not have any difficulty in saying that they are sorry.

3 Children Need a Happy Environment

Jehovah is a “happy God.” (1 Timothy 1:11) Not surprisingly, his Son, Jesus, found great joy in being with his Father. Proverbs 8:30 sheds light on the relationship between Jesus and his Father: “I came to be beside him [the Father] as a master worker, . . . I being glad [“rejoicing,” NIV] before him all the time.” What a warm relationship existed between Father and Son!
Your children need a happy environment. Taking the time to play with your children can help to create such an environment. Playing together helps parent and child to bond. Felix agrees with that. He has a teenage son and says: “Setting aside time for recreation with my son has been very important to our relationship. We play games together, associate with friends, and visit enjoyable places. This has strengthened our sense of family togetherness.”

4 Children Need to Be Taught Spiritual Values

Jesus was taught by his Father. Jesus could therefore say: “The very things I heard from him [the Father] I am speaking in the world.” (John 8:26) In God’s eyes, a father is responsible for educating his children morally and spiritually. One of your responsibilities as a father is to inculcate right principles into the hearts of your children. Such training should start from an early age. (2 Timothy 3:14, 15) Felix began to read Bible stories to his son when he was still small. Felix used colorful, interesting stories, including those found in My Book of Bible Stories.* As his son grew older, Felix chose other Bible-based publications that were appropriate for his son’s age.
Donizete says: “It is a real challenge to make family Bible study enjoyable. It is important that parents show that they appreciate spiritual matters, since children are quick to note inconsistencies.” Carlos, who has three sons, comments: “We hold a weekly meeting to consider the family’s needs. Each member of the family has the opportunity to choose what will be discussed.” Kelvin always sought to talk to his children about God wherever they were and whatever they were doing. That reminds us of Moses’ words: “These words that I am commanding you today must prove to be on your heart; and you must inculcate them in your son and speak of them when you sit in your house and when you walk on the road and when you lie down and when you get up.”—Deuteronomy 6:6, 7.

5 Children Need Discipline
Children need discipline so that they can grow up to be productive and responsible adults. Some parents seem to think that disciplining their children involves severe treatment, including harsh threats or belittling insults. The Bible, however, does not associate parental discipline with harshness. On the contrary, parents should discipline in love, just as Jehovah does. (Hebrews 12:4-11) The Bible says: “Fathers, do not be irritating your children, but go on bringing them up in the discipline and mental-regulating of Jehovah.”—Ephesians 6:4.

Occasionally, punishment may be necessary. A child, though, should understand why he is being punished. Parental discipline should never leave a child feeling rejected. The Bible does not endorse severe beatings, which may even injure a child. (Proverbs 16:32) Kelvin comments, “When I needed to correct my children about serious matters, I always tried to make it clear that my motive for correcting them was my love for them.”

6 Children Need to Be Protected

Children need to be protected from unwholesome influences and potentially harmful associates. Sadly, there are “wicked men” in this world who are bent on exploiting innocent children. (2 Timothy 3:1-5, 13) How can you protect your children? The Bible offers this wise advice: “Shrewd is the one that has seen the calamity and proceeds to conceal himself, but the inexperienced have passed along and must suffer the penalty.” (Proverbs 22:3) To shield your children from calamity, you must be alert to dangers. Anticipate situations that could lead to problems, and take due precautions. For example, if you allow your children access to the Internet, be sure that they know how to use it safely. It may be best to keep the computer in an open area where you can easily monitor its use.

A father needs to prepare and train his children for the dangers they may face in this abusive world. Do your children know what to do in case someone tries to take advantage of them when you are not present?* Your children need to know the proper and improper use of their private body parts. Kelvin comments: “I never left this training to others, not even their teachers. I felt that it was my personal responsibility to teach my children about sex and the danger of child molesters.” All his children safely reached adulthood and are now happily married.

Seek God’s Help

The greatest gift a father can give to his children is that of helping them to develop a solid personal relationship with God. The father’s example is of utmost importance. Donizete says: “Fathers need to show how much they treasure their own relationship with God. This should become especially clear when they face personal problems or difficulties. On such occasions, the father shows how deeply he trusts in Jehovah. Family prayer, with repeated expressions of appreciation to God for His goodness, will teach children the importance of having God as their Friend.”
What, then, is the key to being a good father? Seek the advice of the one who knows best how to raise children—Jehovah God. If you train your children according to the guidance of God’s Word, you may well see the results described at Proverbs 22:6: “Even when he grows old he will not turn aside from it.”

Your Teenager Is Irritated By Your Rules

Many parents have maltreated their teenagers without knowing what they can do when a teenager constantly seems to be irritated by their rules. Your teenager says you are too strict. Your instincts tell you otherwise. ‘If I relax the rules,’ you say to yourself, ‘he will just get into trouble!’

You can set reasonable rules for your teenager. First, though, you need to understand what might be causing him to chafe against the rules in the first place.

All teenagers rebel against rules; it’s an unavoidable part of

adolescence. A teenager is less likely to rebel when parents set reasonable rules and discuss them with him. Although a number of factors may be involved in rebellion, parents may unwittingly encourage it if their rules are inflexible or no longer age appropriate. Consider the following:

Inflexible. When parents lay down the law and there is no room for discussion, rules become more like a straitjacket that stifles the teen rather than a seat belt that protects him. As a result, he may secretly engage in the very acts that his parents forbid.

No longer age appropriate. “Because I said so” may be enough explanation for a young child, but adolescents need more—they need reasons. After all, in the near future, your teenager may be living on his own and making weighty decisions. It’s far better that he learn to reason well and make good decisions now, while he’s still under your supervision.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

1. First, realize that teenagers need—and deep down even want—boundaries. So set rules, and make sure your teenager understands them. “When adolescents are given clear boundaries and expect a reasonable amount of parental supervision, they are less likely to engage in worrisome behaviors.


2. Before making a decision, though, remember this: While teenagers tend to ask for more freedom than they should have, parents may tend to grant less freedom than they could. So give serious consideration to your teenager’s request. Has he demonstrated that he is responsible? Do the circumstances warrant a concession? Be willing to bend when appropriate.


3. How, then, can you show balance? Let your teenager express himself about family rules. For example, if he asks for an adjustment to his curfew, listen to him as he presents his case. A teenager who knows that he has been fully heard is more likely to respect and comply with the decision you make—even if he does not agree with it.

4. Besides listening to your teenager’s feelings, make sure that you let your teenager know your concerns as well. By doing so, you may teach him to consider not only his wishes but also the feelings of others.

5. Finally, make a decision and explain your reasons for it. Even if he is not thrilled with the decision, likely he is glad to have parents who will hear him out. Remember, an adolescent is an adult in training. By setting reasonable rules and discussing them with your teenager, you will help him grow to become a responsible adult.

CHILDREN ONLINE What Parents Can Do

AS A parent, which situation would make you more nervous—knowing that your son or daughter had the keys to the family car or knowing that he or she had unrestricted access to the Internet? Both activities involve a measure of danger. And both require a level of responsibility. Parents cannot forever restrict their children from operating a vehicle, but they can make sure that their children are taught to drive safely. Many parents take a similar approach to use of the Internet. The following Bible principles will help.
“Everyone shrewd will act with knowledge.” (Proverbs 13:16) Parents whose children have Internet access need to have a basic understanding of how the Internet works and what their children are doing when instant messaging, browsing Web pages, or engaging in other online activities. “Don’t conclude that you are too old or uneducated to learn,” says Marshay, a mother of two. “Keep up with the technology.”

Experts believe that up to 750,000 predators may be online on a daily basis, trolling Internet chat rooms and dating services

“You shall put a railing around your [flat] roof, so that no one may fall from there.” (Deuteronomy 22:8, The Amplified Bible) Internet service providers and software programs may offer parental controls that act as “railings” to block inappropriate pop-ups and access to harmful sites. Some programs can even help prevent children from revealing personal information, such as their name or address. It should be realized, however, that such parental controls are not foolproof. Also, many older children who are computer literate learn how to bypass them.
“One isolating himself will seek his own selfish longing; against all practical wisdom he will break forth.” (Proverbs 18:1) A study in the United Kingdom revealed that nearly 1 in 5 youths between the ages of 9 and 19 had Internet access in their bedroom. Having the computer in a busy area helps parents to keep tabs on what their children are doing online and may encourage the children to avoid undesirable sites.

In the United Kingdom, 57 percent of youths between the ages of 9 and 19 who use the Internet weekly have come into contact with pornography; however, only 16 percent of parents believe that their child has seen pornography on the Internet

“Keep strict watch that how you walk is not as unwise but as wise persons, buying out the opportune time for yourselves, because the days are wicked.” (Ephesians 5:15, 16) Decide when children can use the Internet, the length of time they can be online, and the type of sites they can and cannot visit. Discuss your guidelines with your children, and make sure that they understand them.
Of course, you cannot monitor your children when they are outside the home. It is important, therefore, to instill proper values in your children so that they will make wise decisions when they are not in your presence.* (Philippians 2:12) Spell out clearly what the consequences will be if your rules regarding the Internet are broken. Then enforce those rules.
“[A good mother] is watching over the goings-on of her household.” (Proverbs 31:27) Monitor your children’s use of the Internet, and let them know that you will be doing so. This is not an invasion of privacy. Remember, the Internet is a public forum. The Federal Bureau of Investigation in the United States recommends that parents maintain access to their children’s online accounts and randomly check their e-mail and the Web sites that they have visited.

Can you teach your child how to use the Internet responsibly?

“Thinking ability itself will keep guard over you, discernment itself will safeguard you, to deliver you from the bad way, from the man speaking perverse things.” (Proverbs 2:11, 12) Monitoring and tracking will go only so far. The values you teach—and the example you set—will go much further in protecting your children. So take time to discuss with your children what can happen on the Internet. An open line of communication with your children is your best defense against online dangers. “We talked to both of our boys about ‘bad’ people on the Net,” says Tom, a Christian father. “We also explained what pornography is, why it should be avoided, and why they should never communicate with strangers.”

In the United States, 93 percent of youths between the ages of 12 and 17 use the Internet

You Can Protect Your Children

Protecting your children from online dangers takes effort, and electronic access to media is constantly changing. New technologies may bring unique advantages and unprecedented risks to children. How can parents prepare their children for future dangers? “Wisdom is for a protection the same as money is for a protection,” says the Bible.—Ecclesiastes 7:12.
Help your children to become wise. Also help them to understand how to avoid online dangers and use the Internet responsibly. Thus, the Internet can be a tool that will not threaten the safety of your children.

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*  Parents should remember that many youths can gain access to the Internet via cell phones, other handheld devices, and even some video-game consoles.

CHILDREN ONLINE What Parents Should Know

CHILDREN ONLINE
What Parents Should Know

FOR a time, it seemed that Internet safety was simply a matter of computer location. Keep the computer in a public area, it was thought, and your children will be less likely to veer toward the dark side of cyberspace. While that notion is still valid—common sense dictates against giving children Internet access in the privacy of their bedroom—it is not the final word in safety. These days wireless connections make it possible for youngsters to take the Internet with them wherever they go. Even many cell phones are equipped with online access. Then there are Internet cafés, Internet kiosks, libraries, and the old standby, a friend’s house. With so many options, it is easy to see how a youth’s online escapades can slip past a parent’s radar.
Consider some of the online activities that many youths are attracted to and their potential dangers.

E-MAILS

What are they? Written messages that are sent electronically.
What is the appeal? E-mail is a fast and inexpensive way to correspond with friends and family.
What you should know. Unsolicited e-mails, often called spam, can be more than just a nuisance. Often they contain suggestive or blatantly obscene content. Links inside messages may prompt the user—including an unsuspecting child—to volunteer personal information, which can lead to identity theft. Replying to such e-mails—even with the firm request to stop sending e-mails—will confirm that the user has an active e-mail address, which may lead to further unsolicited e-mails.

In India the sharp rise in the number of Internet users—up 54 percent in just one year—is largely attributed to youths

WEB SITES

What are they? Collections of electronic pages created and maintained by organizations, educational institutions, businesses, and individuals.
What is the appeal? Millions of sites are available, providing youths with endless opportunities to shop, do research, connect with friends, and play or download games and music.
What you should know. The Web has been exploited by all manner of unscrupulous individuals. Many Web sites feature explicit sex, and these are easy for the unwary to stumble upon. In the United States, for example, 90 percent of youths surveyed between the ages of 8 and 16 said that they had unintentionally encountered pornography online—in most cases while doing homework!
The Web also provides easy access to sites that promote teen gambling. In Canada, nearly 1 in 4 males surveyed in grades 10 and 11 admitted to having visited such sites, and experts are understandably concerned because of the highly addictive nature of online gambling. Then there are so-called pro-ana Web sites that glorify “the anorectic lifestyle.”* Meanwhile, hatemongering sites target minority religious and ethnic groups. Some sites teach how to make bombs, concoct poisons, and conduct terrorist operations. Depictions of extreme violence and bloody gore are prevalent in online games.

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*  Many pro-ana sites and organizations claim that they do not promote anorexia. Some of these, however, present anorexia as a lifestyle choice rather than as a disorder. Forums on such sites provide information on how to conceal one’s actual body weight and how to hide irregular eating habits from parents.

CHAT ROOMS

What are they? Electronic spaces for live text conversation, usually centered around a specific topic or interest.
What is the appeal? Your child can communicate with a number of individuals whom he or she may never have met but who share a common interest.
What you should know. Predators commonly frequent chat rooms hoping to lure a child into an online or even a face-to-face sexual encounter. Consider what happened when one of the authors of the book What in the World Are Your Kids Doing Online? was researching Internet safety. As part of her research, she posed online as a 12-year-old. “Almost immediately,” reports the book, “she was invited by someone into a private chat room. She claimed she didn’t know how to get into it, and her helpful new friend walked her through the process. Then he wanted to know if she wanted to have [online] sex.”

INSTANT MESSAGES

What are they? Live text conversations between two or more individuals.
What is the appeal? With instant messaging, a user can choose which of his friends he will converse with, selecting from a contact list he has created. Not surprisingly, a Canadian study reports that 84 percent of 16- and 17-year-olds instant message their friends and that they do this for more than an hour a day.
What you should know. Instant-message conversations can be distracting if your child is supposed to be studying or engaging in another activity that requires concentration. In addition, how can you be sure with whom your son or daughter is communicating? After all, you cannot hear the conversation.

BLOGS

What are they? Online diaries.
What is the appeal? Blogging gives youths the opportunity to write about their thoughts, passions, and activities. Most blogs allow space for readers to leave comments, and many kids are thrilled to know that someone has responded to their writing.
What you should know. A blog is open to the public. Some youths carelessly reveal information that can be used to identify their family, school, or home address. Another factor: Blogs can harm reputations, including the blogger’s own. For instance, some employers consult an applicant’s blog when considering whether to hire that person.

“A parent may see a Web cam as an easy and inexpensive way for a child to communicate with friends or relatives, but a predator sees it as an open window into a child’s bedroom.”
—Robert S. Mueller III, director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation

ONLINE SOCIAL NETWORKS

What are they? Sites that allow youths to create a Web page and enhance it with pictures, videos, and blogs.
What is the appeal? Creating and enhancing a Web page enables a young person to express his or her identity. Online social networks allow young ones to meet many new “friends.”
What you should know. “A social networking site is like an online party,” says a girl named Joanna. “Some very scary people can show up.” The personal information posted on social networks can be exploited by unscrupulous youths and adults. Thus, Internet safety expert Parry Aftab calls such sites “one stop shopping for sexual predators.”
Furthermore, Internet friendships tend to be superficial. On their Web pages, some youths accumulate a number of online contacts whom they have never met face-to-face, simply to appear popular to others who visit their site. In her book Generation MySpace, Candice Kelsey writes that it really comes down to “judging a person’s social stock value merely by how many other people like him or her.” She adds: “This commodities-trading style of relating reduces our children to nonhuman entities and places an inordinate amount of pressure to represent themselves in whatever way will gain them more friends.” Thus, What in the World Are Your Kids Doing Online? asks a valid question: “How do you make it clear that children need to develop empathy and compassion when the electronic world allows them to meet and discard people at the drop of a hat?”

A House Divided The Impact of Divorce on Adolescents

THE experts thought they had it right. ‘You need to focus on your happiness,’ they advised parents in troubled marriages, quickly adding: ‘Don’t worry about the children. They’re resilient. It’s easier for them to deal with divorce than to live with two parents who can’t get along!’

Yet, some counselors who once sang the praises of divorce have changed their tune. ‘Divorce is war,’ they now say. ‘Neither party walks away without wounds; nor do the children.’

The Myth of Easy Divorce

It could make a hit TV sitcom. The plot? Dad and Mom divorce. Mom gets custody of the children and then marries a widower with children of his own. Week after week the mismatched family faces one absurd predicament after another—each one being resolved in 30 minutes flat with no shortage of witty humor in the process.

Perhaps the above situation makes for entertaining TV. But a real-life divorce is no sitcom. On the contrary, the process is painful. “Divorce is litigation,” writes M. Gary Neuman in his book Emotional Infidelity. “Someone is suing someone. The second you decide to divorce, you are giving up control over your child. You are also giving up control over your finances, and perhaps even where you will live. You may resolve your issues in mediation, but maybe not. Ultimately, a stranger called a judge could be the one to tell you how often you will see your child and how much of your money you will keep. Unfortunately, that stranger doesn’t think exactly like you.”

Often, divorce merely exchanges one set of problems for another. Indeed, everything from living arrangements to financial status may change—and likely not for the better. And then there is the impact divorce has on children.

‘THIS TIME I’LL GET IT RIGHT’

Studies reveal that second marriages have a higher failure rate than first ones, and third marriages fare even worse. In his book Emotional Infidelity, M. Gary Neuman points out one reason for this. “If you have difficulties in your first marriage,” he writes, “it’s not all about your poor choice of a spouse. It’s about you. You fell in love with this person. You worked with this person to create whatever you have or don’t have.” Neuman’s conclusion? “It’s better to get rid of the problem and keep your spouse than to get rid of your spouse and keep the problem.”

Divorce and Adolescents

Divorce can devastate children, regardless of their age. Some claim that adolescents fare better. After all, the reasoning goes, they are more mature and are in the process of separating from their parents anyway. However, researchers see a flip side to the coin. They have found that because of those very factors, divorce can hit adolescents the hardest.* Consider the following:

• As they navigate their way toward adulthood, adolescents are highly insecure, perhaps even more so than when they were children. Do not let their independent streak fool you—adolescents need the anchor of family stability as never before.
• At the very time in life when adolescents are learning to forge mature friendships, divorce teaches them to be skeptical of such values as trust, loyalty, and love. Later, as adults, they may avoid close relationships altogether.
• While it is common for children of all ages to act out their pain, adolescents are more likely to do so in dangerous ways, including delinquency, alcohol abuse, and drug abuse.

This is not to say that adolescents whose parents divorce are doomed emotionally or otherwise. They can succeed, especially if they have a relationship with both parents.^# However, it is naive to think that divorce will always be, as some might say, ‘better for the children’ or that it will put an end to all tension between spouses. In fact, some find that they have to deal more with their “intolerable” spouse after the divorce than before and on much more volatile issues, such as financial support or child custody. In such cases divorce does not end family problems; it simply moves them to a different arena.

IF A MARRIAGE ENDS

The Bible acknowledges that extreme circumstances may lead to divorce.* If that is the case in your family, how can you help your adolescent children to cope?

Tell your adolescent what is happening. If possible, both parents should do this. Together, let your adolescent know that the decision to divorce is final. Give assurance that he or she is not to blame and will continue to be loved by both parents.

Get off the battlefield—the war is over. Some parents remain entangled in conflict long after the divorce. They become, as one expert puts it, “legally divorced but still emotionally betrothed combatants who have not been able to negotiate a truce with peace.” Not only does this deprive adolescents of their parents—since Dad and Mom always seem caught up in one skirmish or another—but it also encourages them to pit one parent against the other in order to get their way. For instance, a boy might tell his mother: “Dad lets me stay out as late as I want. Why won’t you?” Not wanting her son to defect to the “enemy camp,” Mom relents.

If you share custody, encourage your adolescent to have a healthy relationship with your ex-spouse

Let your adolescent talk. Adolescents may reason, ‘If my parents stopped loving each other, they may stop loving me’ or ‘If my parents broke the rules, why can’t I?’ To alleviate your adolescent’s fears and to correct flawed thinking, give him or her plenty of opportunity to talk. But a caution: Do not switch roles and look to your adolescent for emotional support. This is your child, not your confidant.

Encourage the adolescent to have a healthy relationship with your ex-spouse. The person you divorced is your ex-spouse but not your child’s ex-parent. Bad-mouthing that person is damaging. Says the book Teens in Turmoil—A Path to Change for Parents, Adolescents, and Their Families: “If parents choose to use their children as artillery on the divorce battlefield, they must expect to reap what they have sown.”

Take care of yourself. At times, you will feel overwhelmed. But do not give up. Maintain a healthy routine. If you are a Christian, stay involved in spiritual activities. Doing so will help you and your adolescent to maintain balance.—Psalm 18:2; Matthew 28:19, 20; Hebrews 10:24, 25.

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* According to the Bible, only sexual relations outside the marriage provide adequate grounds to end the marriage with the opportunity to remarry. (Matthew 19:9) If unfaithfulness occurs, it is up to the innocent mate—not to family members or others—to decide whether divorce is the best option.—Galatians 6:5.

A Third Option

What if you are in a troubled marriage and have thought about divorce? This article has presented compelling reasons to reconsider. Divorce is not a cure-all for marital misery.

But do not misunderstand: The answer is not simply to tolerate a bad marriage. There is another option—If your marriage is in trouble, why not work to make it better? Do not hastily dismiss this idea by asserting that your marital problems are incurable. Ask yourself these questions:

• ‘What qualities initially drew me to my spouse? Are not those qualities still there to a degree?’—Proverbs 31:10, 29.
• ‘Can the feelings that I had before marriage be rekindled?’—Song of Solomon 2:2; 4:7.
• ‘Despite the actions of my mate, what can I do to apply the suggestions found [in “Secrets of Family Success”]?’—Romans 12:18.
• ‘Can I explain to my mate (face-to-face or in writing) just how I would like our relationship to improve?’—Job 10:1.
• ‘Can we sit down with a mature friend who can help us set realistic goals to improve our marriage?’—Proverbs 27:17.

The Bible says: “The shrewd one considers his steps.” (Proverbs 14:15) That principle applies not just when choosing a mate but also when considering what to do about a marriage relationship that is faltering. Indeed, as brought out [in “Secrets of Family Success”], successful families also have problems—the difference is in how they handle them.

To illustrate: Imagine that you have embarked on a long journey by car. It is inevitable that you will encounter problems along the way, including severe weather, traffic jams, and roadblocks. On occasion, you may even get lost. What will you do? Turn around and go back or find a way to overcome the obstacle and move forward? On the day of your wedding, you embarked on a journey that was sure to bring its share of problems, for the Bible says that “those who marry will have pain and grief.” (1 Corinthians 7:28, The New English Bible) The question is not whether problems will arise but how you will face them when they do. Can you find a way to overcome the obstacle and move forward? Even if you feel that your marriage is hopelessly lost, will you try to get help?—James 5:14.

Work to uphold the commitment you made on your wedding day

A Divine Institution

Marriage is a divine institution that should not be taken lightly. (Genesis 2:24) When problems seem insurmountable, remember the points discussed in this article.

1. Try to rekindle the love that you once felt.—Song of Solomon 8:6.

2. Decide what you can do to make your marriage better, and then do it.—James 1:22.

3. Clearly but respectfully tell your mate—either face-to-face or in writing—what improvements you feel need to be made in the marriage.—Job 7:11.

4. Get help. You do not have to save your marriage by yourself!

What Future Do You Want for Your Children?

DO YOU consider your children to be an inheritance of great value? (Psalm 127:3) Or do you view the rearing of them as a financial burden with no guarantee of success? Rather than bringing monetary profit, raising children costs money until they can sustain themselves. Just as managing an inherited fortune requires good planning, so does successful parenting.

Caring parents want to give their children a good start in life. Although bad and very sad things may happen in this world, parents can do much to protect their offspring. Consider the case of Werner and Eva, mentioned in the preceding article.*

When Parents Really Care

Werner reports that instead of letting things take their course, his parents showed genuine interest in what was going on in school. "I appreciated very much the practical suggestions they gave me, and I felt that they cared for me and were supporting me. As parents, they were quite firm, but I knew that they were my real friends." And when Eva became so upset over her schoolwork that she was depressed and had problems sleeping, her parents, Francisco and Inez, also spent considerable time talking with her and helping her to recover mental and spiritual balance.

How did Francisco and Inez seek to protect their children and prepare them for adult life? Well, from the time the children were infants, these loving parents always involved them in their daily activities. Instead of just socializing with their adult friends, Inez and Francisco had the children with them wherever they went. As loving parents, they also gave their son and daughter proper guidance. Says Inez: "We taught them to care for the home, to be economical, and to care for their own clothes. And we helped each one of them to choose a profession and to reconcile their responsibilities with spiritual interests."

How vital it is to get to know your children and provide parental guidance! Let us examine three areas in which you might do this: (1) Help your children to choose an appropriate type of secular work; (2) prepare them to cope with emotional stress in school and in the workplace; (3) show them how to satisfy their spiritual needs.

Help Them Choose Suitable Work

Since a person's secular work not only affects his financial situation but also takes much of his time, good parenting includes considering each child's interests and abilities. Since no conscientious individual wants to be a burden to others, parents should think seriously about how their child can be prepared to sustain himself and a family. Would your son or daughter need to learn a trade in order to make a decent living? As a truly caring parent, make consistent efforts to help your child develop such qualities as a desire to work industriously, willingness to learn, and the ability to get along well with others.

Consider Nicole. She says: "My parents had me work with them in their cleaning business. They suggested that I give a percentage of my earnings toward our household expenses and keep what was left for my own spending or savings. This gave me a heightened sense of responsibility that proved very useful later in life."

God's Word, the Bible, does not specify what type of secular work a person should choose. But it does provide sound guidelines. For instance, the apostle Paul said: "If anyone does not want to work, neither let him eat." Writing to Christians in Thessalonica, he also said: "We hear certain ones are walking disorderly among you, not working at all but meddling with what does not concern them. To such persons we give the order and exhortation in the Lord Jesus Christ that by working with quietness they should eat food they themselves earn."—2 Thessalonians 3:10-12.

Yet, getting a job and making money is not all there is to life. Eventually, those who are too ambitious are likely to become discontented and may discover that they are "striving after wind." (Ecclesiastes 1:14) Rather than urging their children to pursue recognition and prosperity, parents do well to help them see the wisdom of the apostle John's divinely inspired words: "Do not be loving either the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him; because everything in the world—the desire of the flesh and the desire of the eyes and the showy display of one's means of life—does not originate with the Father, but originates with the world. Furthermore, the world is passing away and so is its desire, but he that does the will of God remains forever."—1 John 2:15-17.

How Can You Satisfy Their Emotional Needs?

As a parent, why not be like a trainer of athletes? He does not focus only on developing in the athletes in his care the physical capacity to run faster or to jump farther. Likely, he also endeavors to help them to overcome any negative attitude, thus reinforcing their emotional strength. In your case, how can you encourage, build up, and motivate your children?

Consider Rogério, a 13-year-old youth. Besides internal turmoil as a result of bodily changes, he experienced emotional stress because of parental disunity and lack of attention. What can be done for young people like him? Though it is impossible to shelter your children from all anxieties and bad influences, never give up your role as a parent. Without being overprotective, discipline your offspring with understanding, always remembering that each child is unique. By showing kindness and love, you can do much to make a young person feel secure. This will also prevent him from growing up lacking confidence and self-respect.

Regardless of how successful your own parents were in satisfying your emotional needs, three things can assist you to succeed as a truly helpful parent: (1) Avoid being so absorbed in your own difficulties that you ignore the seemingly small problems of your children; (2) endeavor to have pleasant and meaningful daily communication with them; (3) promote a positive attitude regarding how to solve problems and deal with people.

Looking back on her years as a teenager, Birgit says: "I had to learn that you cannot change people to be what you want them to be. My mother reasoned with me that if I saw something in others that I did not like, what I could do was avoid being like them. She also said that the best time to change my own ways would be while I was still young."

Yet, your children need more than a job and emotional stability. Ask yourself, 'Do I view parenting as a God-given responsibility?' If you do, you will want to attend to the spiritual needs of your children.

Ways to Meet Their Spiritual Needs

In his Sermon on the Mount, Jesus Christ said: "Happy are those conscious of their spiritual need, since the kingdom of the heavens belongs to them." (Matthew 5:3) What is involved in satisfying spiritual needs? Children benefit greatly when parents set a fine example in showing faith in Jehovah God. The apostle Paul wrote: "Without faith it is impossible to please [God] well, for he that approaches God must believe that he is and that he becomes the rewarder of those earnestly seeking him." (Hebrews 11:6) For faith to have real meaning, however, prayer is needed. (Romans 12:12) If you acknowledge your own spiritual need, you will seek divine guidance, as did the father of the child who became Israel's noted Judge Samson. (Judges 13:8) You will not only pray but also go to God's inspired Word, the Bible, for help.—2 Timothy 3:16, 17.#

Despite all the hard work involved in providing sound guidance, emotional support, and spiritual help, parenting can be rewarding. A father of two in Brazil comments: "I cannot even imagine not having my children. There is so much good that we can share with them." In explaining why the children are doing well, the mother adds: "We are always together, and we try to make things festive and happy. And, most important, we always pray for the children."

Priscilla recalls the love and patience her parents displayed toward her whenever there was a problem. "They were my real friends and helped me in everything," she says. "As a child, I truly felt that I was being treated as 'an inheritance from Jehovah.'" (Psalm 127:3) Like many other parents, why not schedule time with your children so that you can read the Bible and Christian publications together? Considering Bible accounts and principles in a positive atmosphere can help your children to be confident and to have a real hope for the future.

When All Children Will Be Secure

Although the future looks gloomy for many children today, God's Word guarantees that the earth will soon be a secure home for mankind. Imagine the time in God's promised new world when parents will not have to worry about the safety of their children! (2 Peter 3:13) Try to envision the grand fulfillment of this prophecy: "The wolf will actually reside for a while with the male lamb, and with the kid the leopard itself will lie down, and the calf and the maned young lion and the well-fed animal all together; and a mere little boy will be leader over them." (Isaiah 11:6) Even today, the spiritual security described in these words has a figurative fulfillment among those who serve Jehovah. In their midst, you will feel God's loving care. If you manifest love for God, you can be assured that he understands your feelings as a parent and will help you to cope with the anxieties and trials that may come your way. Study his Word and place your hope in his Kingdom.

Help your children on the way to eternal life by setting a fine example. If you take refuge in Jehovah God, your future and that of your children can exceed all your expectations. You can have the same confidence as did the psalmist who sang: "Take exquisite delight in Jehovah, and he will give you the requests of your heart."—Psalm 37:4.