Julie and Lee were dating and were determined to remain morally clean. But one evening when they were alone, their sexual feelings began to build. Fortunately, they came to their senses before going too far and committing a serious wrong.
TRUE worship involves more than simply attending a weekly religious service. It is a way of life that influences one’s conduct and moral standards. Jesus Christ said that only those “doing the will” of God merit His favor. To please God, we need to keep our relationship with the opposite sex honorable and date with a view to marriage.
How can you keep your relationship clean in God’s eyes, especially in view of the tremendous pressure on couples to throw moral restraint aside? First, recognize that God’s standards were set down with our very best interests in mind. Second, accept the truth about human nature. Third, lay definite ground rules for right behavior. And fourth, have God in your relationship. Consider these points one by one.
Standards Tailor-Made for Our Benefit
At Isaiah 48:17, 18, we read: “I, Jehovah, am your God, the One teaching you to benefit yourself, the One causing you to tread in the way in which you should walk. O if only you would actually pay attention to my commandments! Then your peace would become just like a river, and your righteousness like the waves of the sea.”
Yes, the commandments and principles set down in God’s inspired Word, the Holy Bible, are for our benefit. (2 Timothy 3:16, 17) They are evidence that our Creator really cares about us and wants us to be happy and successful in all aspects of life. (Psalm 19:7-10) Is that how you feel in your heart? If so, you are showing true wisdom.
Accept the Truth About Yourself
Like a true friend, Jehovah is honest with us; he tells us the truth about ourselves. For example, his Word warns us that “the heart is more treacherous than anything else and is desperate. Who can know it?” (Jeremiah 17:9) The Bible also states: “He [or she] that is trusting in his own heart is stupid, but he that is walking in wisdom is the one that will escape.”—Proverbs 28:26.
How might a couple who are dating show that they trust in their own hearts? One way is by allowing themselves to get into circumstances where they may be tempted to become overly intimate, similar to the couple mentioned above. Another way is by disregarding the wise advice of God-fearing parents. Such parents know that sexual feelings, especially during youth, can be like a powerful engine that has to be well controlled.
Hence, young people who ‘walk in godly wisdom’ take parental guidance seriously. Yes, they take to heart the advice of parents who love them enough to say things that a son or daughter may not want to hear. Of course, the one who loves you most is your heavenly Father, Jehovah God, who advises you to “remove vexation from your heart, and ward off calamity from your flesh.” (Ecclesiastes 11:9, 10) How can you do that? By not giving in to improper desires.
Lay Clear Ground Rules for Behavior
“With those consulting together there is wisdom.” (Proverbs 13:10) Early in their relationship, prudent couples apply those words by agreeing on Scripturally appropriate expressions of affection and by being determined to stay within those limits. To take liberties with each other or to be overconfident is like driving dangerously. It is too late to make resolutions about road safety when you are being pulled out of a wreck!
“A shrewd man [or woman] sees trouble coming and lies low,” the Bible says. “The simple walk into it and pay the penalty.”(Proverbs 22:3, The New English Bible) Couples can avoid much trouble by dating in the company of a wholesome group or a suitable chaperone. The penalty for foolishness while dating may include a damaged conscience, lack of respect for yourself and the other person, and shame for all concerned, including family members. So be shrewd; agree to apply Scriptural standards and stick to them!
Make Jehovah the ‘Third Cord’
Marriage is like a threefold cord, with God as the primary strand. “A threefold cord cannot quickly be torn in two,” says Ecclesiastes 4:12. The same principle can apply to dating couples. Those who want God’s blessing on their relationship receive that blessing when they stay close to God individually. Says Psalm 1:1-3: “Happy is the man [or woman] that has not walked in the counsel of the wicked ones . . . But his delight is in the law of Jehovah, and in his law he reads in an undertone day and night . . . , and everything he does will succeed.”
Yes, real success in life, including success in courtship and marriage, comes when we do things Jehovah’s way. After all, he is our Creator, and romantic attraction and marriage are precious gifts from him. As such, they deserve our utmost respect.—James 1:17.
Sewing Machine
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Should We Break Up?
“Three months into the relationship, both of us were saying that it felt so right. We talked about spending the rest of our lives together as if it were just a given.”—Lizzy.
“I had a huge crush on him, and then a couple of years later, he actually started noticing me! I liked having an older boyfriend who would watch out for me.”—Cathy.
In time, both Jessica and Carol broke up with their boyfriends. Why? Were they foolish for giving up such great guys?
YOU’VE been dating for nearly a year. At first, you were sure that he was “the one.” At times, you can even rekindle the romantic feelings that characterized the onset of your relationship. But now you’re having second thoughts. Should you ignore those thoughts? How can you know if you should break up?
First, you need to face a cold truth: Disregarding danger signs in a relationship is like ignoring the warning signals on your car’s dashboard. The problem will not go away; likely it will only get worse. What are some of the danger signs in a relationship that you would do well to heed?
Things are moving too fast. Problems can arise when a romance moves too quickly. “We were e-mailing, chatting online, talking on the phone,” Carol recalls. “Those methods of communication can be more powerful than face-to-face because you can get way more personal, way too fast!” Don’t rob yourselves of the chance to get to know each other. A relationship should not be like a weed that sprouts up fast and then withers. Rather, it should be like a precious plant that takes time to grow.
He’s critical and demeaning. “My boyfriend was always putting me down,” says a girl named Ana, “but I wanted to be with him so badly.” She adds, “I tolerated situations that I never dreamed I would have allowed!” The Bible condemns “abusive speech.” (Ephesians 4:31) Demeaning words—even if they are delivered calmly and quietly—have no place in a loving relationship.
He’s got a volatile temper. “A man of discernment is cool of spirit,” says Proverbs 17:27. Erin found that her boyfriend had problems in this regard. “When we had disagreements, he would shove me,” she says, “and at times I ended up with bruises.” The Bible tells Christians: “Let all malicious bitterness and anger and wrath . . . be taken away from you.” (Ephesians 4:31) A person with little self-control is hardly ready for dating.
He’s secretive about our relationship. “My boyfriend didn’t want others to know that we were dating,” recalls Angela. “He was even upset when my dad found out!” Of course, there may be valid reasons for a couple to maintain a measure of privacy. But secrecy—a deliberate attempt to keep the relationship hidden from those who have a right to know about it—spells trouble.
He has no intention of marriage. Among Christians, dating has an honorable purpose—to help a young man and woman determine if they want to get married to each other. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you need to make wedding plans the moment you start dating. In fact, many people do not end up marrying the first person they date. At the same time, a person shouldn’t date if he or she isn’t ready to shoulder the responsibilities of marriage.
Our relationship is on-again, off-again. Proverbs 17:17 states: “A true companion is loving all the time.” Not that the two of you will always agree. But a relationship that constantly seesaws between breaking up and making up could indicate that something deeper needs to be addressed, as Ana came to realize. “The many times I broke up with my boyfriend brought me so much heartache!” she says. “I kept going back to fix a relationship that I would have done better without.”
He pressures me for sex. “If you love me, you’ll do it.” “We need to take our relationship to the next level.” “It’s not really sex if there’s no intercourse.” These are all manipulative lines that boys have used to pressure girls into sex. Says James 3:17: “The wisdom from above is first of all chaste.” You deserve a boyfriend who is morally clean and who respects your chaste sexual boundaries. Don’t settle for anything less!
Others have warned me about him. The Bible says: “Get all the advice you can, and you will succeed; without it you will fail.” (Proverbs 15:22, Today’s English Version) “You can’t ignore what your family and longtime friends think, any more than you can ignore those little alarm bells that ring in your head,” says Jessica. “The more you ignore what others are saying, the harder you’re making it on yourself.”
Above are just a few danger signs that could mean trouble in a relationship. If you are dating, how does your boyfriend measure up in the areas discussed? Write below any personal concerns you may have.
How to Break Up
Suppose you determine that it’s best to end a relationship. How will you do so? There are a number of ways, but keep the following in mind.
Be courageous. “I had become so reliant on my boyfriend that I was afraid to leave him,” says a girl named Trina. It takes courage to speak up when a relationship needs to end. But standing up for yourself is healthy. It enables you to establish firm boundaries as to what you will and what you will not tolerate in a dating relationship—and, later, in a marriage.
Be fair. If you were on the other end of the breakup, how would you want to be treated? Surely, your boyfriend deserves more than a brief e-mail, text message, or voice mail saying “We’re through!”
Choose the right setting. Should you talk face-to-face or over the phone? Should you write a letter or have a discussion? Much depends upon the circumstances. You should not meet in any setting where your safety would be put in jeopardy, nor would it be wise to be in an isolated area where wrong desires could be stirred.
Speak truthfully. Talk honestly about why you feel the relationship cannot continue. If you feel that your boyfriend has not treated you properly, say so. Stick to viewpoint statements. For example, instead of saying, “You’re always putting me down,” say, “I feel put down when you . . .”
Be willing to listen too. Is there something you’ve misunderstood about the situation? Do not allow yourself to be manipulated by clever words, but at the same time, be reasonable and consider all the facts. The Bible wisely admonishes Christians to “be swift about hearing, slow about speaking.”—James 1:19.
“I had a huge crush on him, and then a couple of years later, he actually started noticing me! I liked having an older boyfriend who would watch out for me.”—Cathy.
In time, both Jessica and Carol broke up with their boyfriends. Why? Were they foolish for giving up such great guys?
YOU’VE been dating for nearly a year. At first, you were sure that he was “the one.” At times, you can even rekindle the romantic feelings that characterized the onset of your relationship. But now you’re having second thoughts. Should you ignore those thoughts? How can you know if you should break up?
First, you need to face a cold truth: Disregarding danger signs in a relationship is like ignoring the warning signals on your car’s dashboard. The problem will not go away; likely it will only get worse. What are some of the danger signs in a relationship that you would do well to heed?
Things are moving too fast. Problems can arise when a romance moves too quickly. “We were e-mailing, chatting online, talking on the phone,” Carol recalls. “Those methods of communication can be more powerful than face-to-face because you can get way more personal, way too fast!” Don’t rob yourselves of the chance to get to know each other. A relationship should not be like a weed that sprouts up fast and then withers. Rather, it should be like a precious plant that takes time to grow.
He’s critical and demeaning. “My boyfriend was always putting me down,” says a girl named Ana, “but I wanted to be with him so badly.” She adds, “I tolerated situations that I never dreamed I would have allowed!” The Bible condemns “abusive speech.” (Ephesians 4:31) Demeaning words—even if they are delivered calmly and quietly—have no place in a loving relationship.
He’s got a volatile temper. “A man of discernment is cool of spirit,” says Proverbs 17:27. Erin found that her boyfriend had problems in this regard. “When we had disagreements, he would shove me,” she says, “and at times I ended up with bruises.” The Bible tells Christians: “Let all malicious bitterness and anger and wrath . . . be taken away from you.” (Ephesians 4:31) A person with little self-control is hardly ready for dating.
He’s secretive about our relationship. “My boyfriend didn’t want others to know that we were dating,” recalls Angela. “He was even upset when my dad found out!” Of course, there may be valid reasons for a couple to maintain a measure of privacy. But secrecy—a deliberate attempt to keep the relationship hidden from those who have a right to know about it—spells trouble.
He has no intention of marriage. Among Christians, dating has an honorable purpose—to help a young man and woman determine if they want to get married to each other. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you need to make wedding plans the moment you start dating. In fact, many people do not end up marrying the first person they date. At the same time, a person shouldn’t date if he or she isn’t ready to shoulder the responsibilities of marriage.
Our relationship is on-again, off-again. Proverbs 17:17 states: “A true companion is loving all the time.” Not that the two of you will always agree. But a relationship that constantly seesaws between breaking up and making up could indicate that something deeper needs to be addressed, as Ana came to realize. “The many times I broke up with my boyfriend brought me so much heartache!” she says. “I kept going back to fix a relationship that I would have done better without.”
He pressures me for sex. “If you love me, you’ll do it.” “We need to take our relationship to the next level.” “It’s not really sex if there’s no intercourse.” These are all manipulative lines that boys have used to pressure girls into sex. Says James 3:17: “The wisdom from above is first of all chaste.” You deserve a boyfriend who is morally clean and who respects your chaste sexual boundaries. Don’t settle for anything less!
Others have warned me about him. The Bible says: “Get all the advice you can, and you will succeed; without it you will fail.” (Proverbs 15:22, Today’s English Version) “You can’t ignore what your family and longtime friends think, any more than you can ignore those little alarm bells that ring in your head,” says Jessica. “The more you ignore what others are saying, the harder you’re making it on yourself.”
Above are just a few danger signs that could mean trouble in a relationship. If you are dating, how does your boyfriend measure up in the areas discussed? Write below any personal concerns you may have.
How to Break Up
Suppose you determine that it’s best to end a relationship. How will you do so? There are a number of ways, but keep the following in mind.
Be courageous. “I had become so reliant on my boyfriend that I was afraid to leave him,” says a girl named Trina. It takes courage to speak up when a relationship needs to end. But standing up for yourself is healthy. It enables you to establish firm boundaries as to what you will and what you will not tolerate in a dating relationship—and, later, in a marriage.
Be fair. If you were on the other end of the breakup, how would you want to be treated? Surely, your boyfriend deserves more than a brief e-mail, text message, or voice mail saying “We’re through!”
Choose the right setting. Should you talk face-to-face or over the phone? Should you write a letter or have a discussion? Much depends upon the circumstances. You should not meet in any setting where your safety would be put in jeopardy, nor would it be wise to be in an isolated area where wrong desires could be stirred.
Speak truthfully. Talk honestly about why you feel the relationship cannot continue. If you feel that your boyfriend has not treated you properly, say so. Stick to viewpoint statements. For example, instead of saying, “You’re always putting me down,” say, “I feel put down when you . . .”
Be willing to listen too. Is there something you’ve misunderstood about the situation? Do not allow yourself to be manipulated by clever words, but at the same time, be reasonable and consider all the facts. The Bible wisely admonishes Christians to “be swift about hearing, slow about speaking.”—James 1:19.
Am I Ready To Date ?
Sunday, December 8, 2013
“There’s a ton of pressure all around me to date. There’s also a ton of cute guys.”—Marilyn
“Some girls come on strong, and I want to say yes. But if I ask my parents, I know what their answer will be.”—John.
THE urge to be with someone special—and to be with someone who thinks you are special—can be incredibly strong, even at a very young age. “I started to feel the pressure to date when I was 11,” recalls Jane. Brittany says: “At school you feel like you’re only half a person if you’re not dating someone—anyone!”
What about you? Are you ready to date? To answer that, we first need to address a more basic question:
What Is “Dating”?
Mark your response to the following questions:
You regularly go out with a certain member of the opposite sex. Are you dating?
□ Yes
□ No
You and a member of the opposite sex are attracted to each other. Several times a day, you text-message or talk to this person on the phone. Are you dating?
□ Yes
□ No
Every time you get together with your friends, you pair off with the same person of the opposite sex. Are you dating?
□ Yes
□ No
You most likely had no problem answering the first question. But you may have paused before responding to the second and the third. What exactly is dating? Really, dating is any social activity in which your romantic interest is focused on one particular person and that person’s interest is focused on you. So the answer to all three questions listed above is yes. Whether on the phone or face-to-face, in the open or in secret, if you and a friend of the opposite sex have a special romantic understanding and communicate regularly, it’s dating. Are you ready to go down that road? A consideration of three questions will help you find out.
Why Do You Want to Date?
In many cultures dating is regarded as a legitimate way for two people to become better acquainted. But dating should have an honorable purpose—to help a young man and woman determine if they want to get married to each other.
Granted, some of your peers might take a casual view of dating. Perhaps they simply enjoy being with a special friend of the opposite sex, without any intention of marriage. Some might even view such a friend as little more than a trophy or an accessory to be seen with in public to boost their own self-esteem. Often, though, such shallow relationships are short-lived. “Many young ones who date break up with each other a week or two later,” says a girl named Heather. “They come to view relationships as transitory—which in a sense prepares them for divorce rather than for marriage.”
Clearly, when you date someone, you’re affecting that person’s feelings. So be sure your intentions are honorable. Think: Would you like someone to play with your feelings as if they were some child’s toy—to be picked up for a moment and then quickly abandoned? A youth named Chelsea says: “Part of me wants to say that dating should be just for fun, but it’s no fun when one person is taking it seriously and the other isn’t.”
You’re How Old?
At what age do you think it’s appropriate for a youth to start dating? ․․․․․
Now ask one or both of your parents the same question, and fill in their answer. ․․․․․
Chances are, the first number you wrote down is lower than the second. Or maybe not! You might be among the many youths who are wisely putting off dating until they’re old enough to know themselves better. That’s what Danielle, 17, decided to do. She says: “Thinking back to two years ago, what I would have looked for in a potential mate was so different from what I would look for now. Basically, even at this point I don’t trust myself to make such a decision. When I feel that my personality has been stable for a couple of years, then I’ll think about dating.”
There’s another reason why waiting is wise. The Bible uses the phrase “the bloom of youth” to describe the period of life when sexual feelings and romantic emotions first become strong. (1 Corinthians 7:36) To maintain close association with one particular member of the opposite sex while you’re still in this phase can fan the flames of desire and lead to wrong conduct. True, that might mean little to your peers. Many of them are all too eager to experiment with sex. But you can rise above that kind of thinking! (Romans 12:2) After all, the Bible urges you to “flee from sexual immorality.” (1 Corinthians 6:18, New International Version) By waiting until you’re past the bloom of youth, you can “ward off calamity.”—Ecclesiastes 11:10.
Are You Ready to Get Married?
To help you answer the above question, take a good look at yourself. Consider the following:
Relationships. How do you treat your parents and siblings? Do you often lose your self-control with them, perhaps using harsh or sarcastic language to make a point? What would they say about you in that regard? How you deal with family members indicates how you will treat a mate.—Read Ephesians 4:31.
Demeanor. Are you positive or pessimistic? Are you reasonable, or do you always insist on doing things a certain way—your way? Can you keep calm when under pressure? Are you patient? Cultivating the fruitage of God’s spirit now will help you prepare for being a husband or a wife later.—Read Galatians 5:22, 23.
Finances. How well do you handle money? Are you often in debt? Can you hold down a job? If not, why not? Is it because of the job? the employer? Or is it because of some habit or trait that you need to work on? If you have trouble handling your own finances, how will you manage those of a family?—Read 1 Timothy 5:8.
The person you marry deserves nothing less than a spiritually strong partner.—Read Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10
Are You Ready to Get Married?
To help you answer the above question, take a good look at yourself. Consider the following:
Relationships. How do you treat your parents and siblings? Do you often lose your self-control with them, perhaps using harsh or sarcastic
language to make a point? What would they say about you in that regard? How you deal with family members indicates how you will treat a mate.—Read Ephesians 4:31.
Demeanor. Are you positive or pessimistic? Are you reasonable, or do you always insist on doing things a certain way—your way? Can you keep calm when under pressure? Are you patient? Cultivating the fruitage of God’s spirit now will help you prepare for being a husband or a wife later.—Read Galatians 5:22, 23.
Finances. How well do you handle money? Are you often in debt? Can you hold down a job? If not, why not? Is it because of the job? the employer? Or is it because of some habit or trait that you need to work on? If you have trouble handling your own finances, how will you manage those of a family?—Read 1 Timothy 5:8.
Do you take the initiative to read God’s Word, to engage in the ministry, and to participate at Christian meetings? The person you marry deserves nothing less than a spiritually strong partner.—Read Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10.
What You Can Do
Being pressured to date before you’re ready would be like being forced to take a final exam for a course that you’ve barely started. Obviously, that wouldn’t be fair! You need time to study your subject so you can become familiar with the kind of problems you’ll face in the test.
It’s similar with dating. As we’ve seen, dating is no trivial matter. So before you’re ready to focus on one particular person, you need to take time to study a very important “subject”—how to build friendships. Later, when you meet the right person, you’ll be in a better position to build a solid relationship. After all, a good marriage is the union of two good friends.
Waiting to date won’t stifle your freedom. On the contrary, it will give you more freedom to ‘rejoice in your youth.’ (Ecclesiastes 11:9) And you’ll have time to prepare yourself by developing your personality and, most important, your spirituality.—Lamentations 3:27.
In the meantime, you Cana enjoy the company of the opposite sex. What’s the best way to do so? Associate together in properly supervised mixed groups. A girl named Tammy says: “I think it’s more fun that way. It’s better to have a lot of friends.” Monica agrees. “The group idea is a really good idea,” she says, “because you get to see people with different personalities.”
In contrast, if you focus on one person too soon, you set yourself up for heartache. So take your time. Use this period of your life to learn how to cultivate and maintain friendships. Later, if you choose to date, you’ll have a better idea of who you are and what you need in a lifelong partner.
“Some girls come on strong, and I want to say yes. But if I ask my parents, I know what their answer will be.”—John.
THE urge to be with someone special—and to be with someone who thinks you are special—can be incredibly strong, even at a very young age. “I started to feel the pressure to date when I was 11,” recalls Jane. Brittany says: “At school you feel like you’re only half a person if you’re not dating someone—anyone!”
What about you? Are you ready to date? To answer that, we first need to address a more basic question:
What Is “Dating”?
Mark your response to the following questions:
You regularly go out with a certain member of the opposite sex. Are you dating?
□ Yes
□ No
You and a member of the opposite sex are attracted to each other. Several times a day, you text-message or talk to this person on the phone. Are you dating?
□ Yes
□ No
Every time you get together with your friends, you pair off with the same person of the opposite sex. Are you dating?
□ Yes
□ No
You most likely had no problem answering the first question. But you may have paused before responding to the second and the third. What exactly is dating? Really, dating is any social activity in which your romantic interest is focused on one particular person and that person’s interest is focused on you. So the answer to all three questions listed above is yes. Whether on the phone or face-to-face, in the open or in secret, if you and a friend of the opposite sex have a special romantic understanding and communicate regularly, it’s dating. Are you ready to go down that road? A consideration of three questions will help you find out.
Why Do You Want to Date?
In many cultures dating is regarded as a legitimate way for two people to become better acquainted. But dating should have an honorable purpose—to help a young man and woman determine if they want to get married to each other.
Granted, some of your peers might take a casual view of dating. Perhaps they simply enjoy being with a special friend of the opposite sex, without any intention of marriage. Some might even view such a friend as little more than a trophy or an accessory to be seen with in public to boost their own self-esteem. Often, though, such shallow relationships are short-lived. “Many young ones who date break up with each other a week or two later,” says a girl named Heather. “They come to view relationships as transitory—which in a sense prepares them for divorce rather than for marriage.”
Clearly, when you date someone, you’re affecting that person’s feelings. So be sure your intentions are honorable. Think: Would you like someone to play with your feelings as if they were some child’s toy—to be picked up for a moment and then quickly abandoned? A youth named Chelsea says: “Part of me wants to say that dating should be just for fun, but it’s no fun when one person is taking it seriously and the other isn’t.”
You’re How Old?
At what age do you think it’s appropriate for a youth to start dating? ․․․․․
Now ask one or both of your parents the same question, and fill in their answer. ․․․․․
Chances are, the first number you wrote down is lower than the second. Or maybe not! You might be among the many youths who are wisely putting off dating until they’re old enough to know themselves better. That’s what Danielle, 17, decided to do. She says: “Thinking back to two years ago, what I would have looked for in a potential mate was so different from what I would look for now. Basically, even at this point I don’t trust myself to make such a decision. When I feel that my personality has been stable for a couple of years, then I’ll think about dating.”
There’s another reason why waiting is wise. The Bible uses the phrase “the bloom of youth” to describe the period of life when sexual feelings and romantic emotions first become strong. (1 Corinthians 7:36) To maintain close association with one particular member of the opposite sex while you’re still in this phase can fan the flames of desire and lead to wrong conduct. True, that might mean little to your peers. Many of them are all too eager to experiment with sex. But you can rise above that kind of thinking! (Romans 12:2) After all, the Bible urges you to “flee from sexual immorality.” (1 Corinthians 6:18, New International Version) By waiting until you’re past the bloom of youth, you can “ward off calamity.”—Ecclesiastes 11:10.
Are You Ready to Get Married?
To help you answer the above question, take a good look at yourself. Consider the following:
Relationships. How do you treat your parents and siblings? Do you often lose your self-control with them, perhaps using harsh or sarcastic language to make a point? What would they say about you in that regard? How you deal with family members indicates how you will treat a mate.—Read Ephesians 4:31.
Demeanor. Are you positive or pessimistic? Are you reasonable, or do you always insist on doing things a certain way—your way? Can you keep calm when under pressure? Are you patient? Cultivating the fruitage of God’s spirit now will help you prepare for being a husband or a wife later.—Read Galatians 5:22, 23.
Finances. How well do you handle money? Are you often in debt? Can you hold down a job? If not, why not? Is it because of the job? the employer? Or is it because of some habit or trait that you need to work on? If you have trouble handling your own finances, how will you manage those of a family?—Read 1 Timothy 5:8.
The person you marry deserves nothing less than a spiritually strong partner.—Read Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10
Are You Ready to Get Married?
To help you answer the above question, take a good look at yourself. Consider the following:
Relationships. How do you treat your parents and siblings? Do you often lose your self-control with them, perhaps using harsh or sarcastic
language to make a point? What would they say about you in that regard? How you deal with family members indicates how you will treat a mate.—Read Ephesians 4:31.
Demeanor. Are you positive or pessimistic? Are you reasonable, or do you always insist on doing things a certain way—your way? Can you keep calm when under pressure? Are you patient? Cultivating the fruitage of God’s spirit now will help you prepare for being a husband or a wife later.—Read Galatians 5:22, 23.
Finances. How well do you handle money? Are you often in debt? Can you hold down a job? If not, why not? Is it because of the job? the employer? Or is it because of some habit or trait that you need to work on? If you have trouble handling your own finances, how will you manage those of a family?—Read 1 Timothy 5:8.
Do you take the initiative to read God’s Word, to engage in the ministry, and to participate at Christian meetings? The person you marry deserves nothing less than a spiritually strong partner.—Read Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10.
What You Can Do
Being pressured to date before you’re ready would be like being forced to take a final exam for a course that you’ve barely started. Obviously, that wouldn’t be fair! You need time to study your subject so you can become familiar with the kind of problems you’ll face in the test.
It’s similar with dating. As we’ve seen, dating is no trivial matter. So before you’re ready to focus on one particular person, you need to take time to study a very important “subject”—how to build friendships. Later, when you meet the right person, you’ll be in a better position to build a solid relationship. After all, a good marriage is the union of two good friends.
Waiting to date won’t stifle your freedom. On the contrary, it will give you more freedom to ‘rejoice in your youth.’ (Ecclesiastes 11:9) And you’ll have time to prepare yourself by developing your personality and, most important, your spirituality.—Lamentations 3:27.
In the meantime, you Cana enjoy the company of the opposite sex. What’s the best way to do so? Associate together in properly supervised mixed groups. A girl named Tammy says: “I think it’s more fun that way. It’s better to have a lot of friends.” Monica agrees. “The group idea is a really good idea,” she says, “because you get to see people with different personalities.”
In contrast, if you focus on one person too soon, you set yourself up for heartache. So take your time. Use this period of your life to learn how to cultivate and maintain friendships. Later, if you choose to date, you’ll have a better idea of who you are and what you need in a lifelong partner.
Maintaining Commitment in Your Marriage
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
She says: “I noticed for some time that Michael, my husband, had been emotionally distant from me and was treating our children coldly.*
His behavior changed soon after we were connected to the Internet, and
I suspected that he was viewing pornography on the computer. One night
after the children had gone to bed, I cornered him, and he confessed
that he had been viewing pornographic Web sites. I was devastated. I
couldn’t believe that this was happening to me. I completely lost trust
in him. To make matters worse, a workmate had recently started to
express a romantic interest in me.”
He says: “Some time ago my wife, Maria, discovered a
picture stored on our computer and confronted me about it. When I
admitted that I regularly visited pornographic Web sites, she was
livid. I felt horribly embarrassed and very guilty. I thought it was
the end of our marriage.”Do you feel that the bond between you and your mate has weakened as the years have passed? Would you like to reverse that trend? If so, you need to know the answers to three questions: What does it mean to be committed to your marriage? What challenges can undermine such commitment? And what can you do to strengthen your commitment to your mate?
What Is Commitment?
How would you define commitment in marriage? Many would say that it springs from a sense of duty. For example, a couple may remain committed to their marriage because of their children or because of a duty they feel toward God, the Originator of marriage. (Genesis 2:22-24) Certainly, such motives are admirable and will help a marriage survive difficult times. But to be happy, marriage mates need to feel more than just a sense of obligation to each other.Jehovah God designed marriage to bring a couple deep-seated joy and contentment. He intended for a man to “rejoice with [his] wife” and for a woman to love her husband and to feel that her husband loves her as he does his own body. (Proverbs 5:18; Ephesians 5:28) To create that sort of bond, a couple must learn to trust each other. Equally important, they need to develop a lifelong friendship. When a man and woman earn each other’s trust and work at becoming the best of friends, their commitment to the marriage will grow. They will form a bond the Bible describes as being so close that it is as if the two people were “one flesh.”—Matthew 19:5.
Commitment, therefore, could be likened to the mortar that binds the bricks of a sturdy house. Mortar is made from a combination of ingredients, including sand, cement, and water. Similarly, commitment is formed from a combination of such factors as duty, trust, and friendship. What may weaken that bond?
What Are the Challenges?
Commitment requires hard work and self-sacrifice. It demands that you be willing to forgo your own preferences in order to please your mate. However, the concept of yielding to someone else’s wishes—of giving without asking, ‘What’s in it for me?’—has become unpopular with many and even offensive to some. But ask yourself, ‘How many selfish people do I know who have a happy marriage?’ Likely the answer is, Few if any. Why? A selfish individual will not likely remain committed to a marriage when personal sacrifice is required, especially when there is no immediate payoff for the small concessions he or she may make. Without commitment, a relationship will sour, no matter how sweet the romantic feelings were when a couple first fell in love.The Bible realistically acknowledges that marriage is hard work. It states that “the married man is anxious for the things of the world, how he may gain the approval of his wife,” and that “the married woman is anxious for the things of the world, how she may gain the approval of her husband.” (1 Corinthians 7:33, 34) Unfortunately, even marriage mates who normally are unselfish do not always acknowledge each other’s anxieties or value their mate’s sacrifices. When a couple fail to show appreciation for each other, their marriage is bound to cause them more “tribulation in their flesh” than it would otherwise.—1 Corinthians 7:28.
If your marriage is to survive difficult times and to thrive during good times, you need to develop a long-term view of your relationship. How can you develop such an attitude, and how can you encourage your mate to remain committed to you?
How to Strengthen Commitment
A key factor is humbly to apply the advice of God’s Word, the Bible. By doing so you will “benefit yourself” and your mate. (Isaiah 48:17) Consider just two practical steps you can take.1. Make your marriage a priority. “Make sure of the more important things,” wrote the apostle Paul. (Philippians 1:10) In God’s eyes, the way a husband and wife treat each other is very important. A man who honors his wife will be honored by God. And a woman who respects her husband has “great value in the eyes of God.”—1 Peter 3:1-4, 7.
Make time for your mate
How important is your marriage to you? Usually, the more important
an endeavor, the more time you spend on it. Ask yourself: ‘Over the
past month, how much time did I set aside just to spend with my mate?
What specific things have I done to reassure my mate that we are still
good friends?’ If you invested little or no time in maintaining your
marriage, your mate may find it difficult to believe that you are
committed to the union.
Does your mate think that you are committed to your marriage? How can you find out?
Does your mate think that you are committed to your marriage? How can you find out?
TRY THIS: Write on a piece of paper
the following five categories: money, work, marriage, entertainment,
and friends. Now number the list according to what you believe to be
your spouse’s priorities. Ask your mate to do the same about you. When
completed, exchange lists with your mate. If your mate feels that you
are not investing enough time and energy in the marriage, discuss what
changes you may need to make to strengthen your commitment to each
other. Also, ask yourself, ‘What can I do to take more of an interest
in the things that are important to my mate?’
Infidelity begins in the heart
2. Avoid all forms of infidelity. Jesus Christ said:
“Everyone that keeps on looking at a woman so as to have a passion for
her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28)
When a person engages in sexual intercourse outside of marriage, he or
she delivers a devastating blow to the union, one that the Bible says
is grounds for divorce. (Matthew 5:32)
However, Jesus’ words quoted above show that a wrong desire can exist
in the heart long before a person actually engages in the physical act
of adultery. Entertaining that wrong desire is in itself a form of
betrayal.
To maintain your commitment to your marriage, make a solemn pledge not to view pornography. Despite what many may say, pornography is poison to a marriage. Note the way one wife expresses her feelings about her husband’s viewing habits: “My husband says that watching pornography spices up our love life. But it just makes me feel that I’m worthless, that I’m not enough for him. I cry myself to sleep when he watches it.” Would you say that this man is strengthening his commitment to his marriage, or is he undermining it? Do you think that he is making it easier for his wife to remain committed to the marriage? Is he treating her as his closest friend?
The faithful man Job expressed his commitment to his marriage and to his God by making ‘a covenant with his eyes.’ He was determined not to ‘show himself attentive to a virgin.’ (Job 31:1) How can you imitate Job?
In addition to avoiding pornography, you need to guard your heart from forming an inappropriate attachment to a member of the opposite sex. True, many feel that flirting with members of the opposite sex does no harm to a marriage. But God’s Word warns us: “The heart is more treacherous than anything else and is desperate. Who can know it?” (Jeremiah 17:9) Has your heart fooled you? Ask yourself: ‘To whom am I most attentive—my spouse or some other member of the opposite sex? With whom do I share good news first—my spouse, or someone else? If my spouse asked me to limit my contact with an associate of the opposite sex, how would I react? Would I be resentful, or would I happily make the requested change?’
Whether your marriage is stable or strained, your mate needs to know that you are committed to making the marriage a success. Take whatever appropriate steps are necessary to convince your mate of that fact. Are you willing to do that?
To maintain your commitment to your marriage, make a solemn pledge not to view pornography. Despite what many may say, pornography is poison to a marriage. Note the way one wife expresses her feelings about her husband’s viewing habits: “My husband says that watching pornography spices up our love life. But it just makes me feel that I’m worthless, that I’m not enough for him. I cry myself to sleep when he watches it.” Would you say that this man is strengthening his commitment to his marriage, or is he undermining it? Do you think that he is making it easier for his wife to remain committed to the marriage? Is he treating her as his closest friend?
The faithful man Job expressed his commitment to his marriage and to his God by making ‘a covenant with his eyes.’ He was determined not to ‘show himself attentive to a virgin.’ (Job 31:1) How can you imitate Job?
In addition to avoiding pornography, you need to guard your heart from forming an inappropriate attachment to a member of the opposite sex. True, many feel that flirting with members of the opposite sex does no harm to a marriage. But God’s Word warns us: “The heart is more treacherous than anything else and is desperate. Who can know it?” (Jeremiah 17:9) Has your heart fooled you? Ask yourself: ‘To whom am I most attentive—my spouse or some other member of the opposite sex? With whom do I share good news first—my spouse, or someone else? If my spouse asked me to limit my contact with an associate of the opposite sex, how would I react? Would I be resentful, or would I happily make the requested change?’
TRY THIS: If you find yourself
attracted to someone other than your mate, limit your contact with that
one to only what is necessary and keep all encounters on a purely
professional level. Do not focus on ways in which you think this person
is superior to your mate. Instead, focus on your mate’s positive
qualities. (Proverbs 31:29)
Recall the reasons why you fell in love with your mate. Ask yourself,
‘Has my mate really lost these qualities, or have I become blind to
them?’
Take the Initiative
Michael and Maria, quoted at the outset, decided to ask for advice on how to resolve their issues. Of course, seeking advice is just the first step. But by being willing to face their problems and seek help, both Michael and Maria sent a clear message that they are committed to their marriage, that they are willing to work hard to make it succeed.Whether your marriage is stable or strained, your mate needs to know that you are committed to making the marriage a success. Take whatever appropriate steps are necessary to convince your mate of that fact. Are you willing to do that?
* Names have been changed.
#
While the example here is of a man who viewed pornography, a woman who
did the same would also be displaying a lack of commitment to the
marriage.
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