PRACTICAL GUIDE FOR LIVING TOGETHER WITH YOUR LOVE

In respect to the seriousness of marriage, one should not enter into the decision to live together lightly. Since most people's ultimate goal is to become married, living together should only be a precursor to that event, and should only be entered into when both people have that as the ultimate goal.

While living together definitely has its advantages, it can become a crutch to your relationship as well. Taking the time to go over what each other expects from the other before you make these arrangements will go a long way to helping you create the long-term future you desire. And, in the unfortunate event of a break up, you will have some sort of agreement to fall back on.

Answer the following questions together to help you come to a predetermined agreement about the way things should be handled.

• Who will pay the bills? Discuss what arrangements you want to make regarding the bills. Will you both split the bills? If so, who will be the one responsible for ACTUALLY paying the bills. If one partner is paying the majority or all of the bills, what will the other partner do to have an equal exchange?
  
  
• How will you divide the household responsibilities? Will only one person be responsible for cleaning up? Who will handle the food preparation? What is your idea of a clean home? What is your partner's? Who will do laundry? Will you both be responsible for your own mess?
  
  
• How will you handle private time? One factor in living together to consider is that your privacy will be severely limited. What kind of agreement will you make regarding needing time alone? Will girls or guys nights out be a problem? Will you spend one day a week on your own?
  
  
• What pet peeves really, really, really bother you? You might as well get these out now, BEFORE you move in! Agree on a compromise or solution to handling these.
  
  
• How long do you plan to live together before deciding if marriage is right for you? The purpose here is marriage, so having some general decide or cut your loses deadline will avoid wasted years and keep the ultimate goal in target.
  
  
• What will happen if you split up? Couples tend to make major purchases together. If you split up, how will those things be handled? Who will keep the apartment or house? How will you handle pets, if you have any? How will you handle any bills you are both responsible for?

SAFETY TIP!
Make an agreement up that will include the following things:
-- What bills you are both responsible for. List each one, and add new ones as they come. Trust me you do not want to be stuck in a bad break up and be held responsible for all the remaining bills! Keep all records of payment.
-- What items belong to whom? Avoid any unnecessary problems by keeping track of what belongs to whom. Keep all receipts.

Things you need to know about Condom

Getting ready, Choosing the right condom
condoms

A number of different types of condom are now available. What is generally called a condom is the 'male' condom, a sheath or covering which fits over a man's penis, and which is closed at one end.

There is also now a female condom, or vaginal sheath, which is used by a woman and which fits inside her vagina. The rest of this page is about the male condom.
What are condoms made of?

Condoms are usually made of latex or polyurethane. If possible you should use a latex condom, as they are slightly more reliable, and in most countries they are most readily available.

Latex condoms can only be used with water based lubricants, not oil based lubricants such as Vaseline or cold cream as they break down the latex. A small number of people have an allergic reaction to latex and can use polyurethane condoms instead.

Polyurethane condoms are made out a type of plastic. They are thinner than latex condoms, and so they increase sensitivity and are more agreeable in feel and appearance to some users. They are more expensive than latex condoms and slightly less flexible so more lubrication may be needed. However both oil and water based lubricants can be used with them.

It's not clear whether latex or polyurethane condoms are stronger – there are studies suggesting that either is less likely to break. With both types however, the likelihood of breakages is very small if used correctly.
The lubrication on condoms also varies. Some condoms are not lubricated at all, some are lubricated with a silicone substance, and some condoms have a water-based lubricant. The lubrication on condoms aims to make the condom easier to put on and more comfortable to use. It can also help prevent condom breakage.
Spermicides and Nonoxynol 9

Condoms and lubricants sometimes contain a spermicide called Nonoxynol 9. Nonoxynol 9 was thought in the past to help to prevent pregnancy and the transmission of HIV and other STDs, but it is now know to be ineffective.
Some people have an allergic reaction to Nonoxynol 9 that can result in little sores, which can actually make the transmission of HIV more likely. Because of this, you should only use condoms and lubricants containing Nonoxynol 9 if you are HIV negative and know that your partner is too. However, using a condom (even if it contains Nonoxynol 9) is much safer than having unprotected sex.
What shapes are there and which should I choose? What about flavoured condoms?
condom

Condoms come in a variety of shapes. Most have a reservoir tip although some do have a plain tip. Condoms may be regular shaped (with straight sides), form fit (indented below the head of the penis), or they may be flared (wider over the head of the penis).

Ribbed condoms are textured with ribs or bumps, which can increase sensation for both partners. Condoms also come in a variety of colours.

It's up to you which shape you choose. All of the differences in shape are designed to suit different personal preferences and enhance pleasure. It is important to communicate with your partner to be sure that you are using condoms that satisfy both of you.
Some condoms are flavoured to make oral sex more enjoyable. They are also safe to use for penetrative sex as long as they have been tested and approved.
What about the condom size?

Condoms are made in different lengths and widths, and different manufacturers produce varying sizes.

There is no standard length for condoms, though those made from natural rubber will in addition always stretch if necessary to fit the length of the man's erect penis.

The width of a condom can also vary. Some condoms have a slightly smaller width to give a "closer" fit, whereas others will be slightly larger. Condom makers have realised that different lengths and widths are needed and are increasingly broadening their range of sizes.

The brand names will be different in each country, so you will need to do your own investigation of different names. There is no particular best brand of condom.
So when do you use a condom?

You need to use a new condom every time you have sexual intercourse. Never use the same condom twice. Put the condom on after the penis is erect and before any contact is made between the penis and any part of the partner's body. If you go from anal intercourse to vaginal intercourse, you should consider changing the condom.
Where can I get condoms?

There are no age limitations on buying condoms. Buying a condom no matter how old you are shows that you are taking responsibility for your actions. Family planning and sexual health clinics provide condoms free of charge. Condoms are available to buy from supermarkets, convenience stores and petrol/gas stations. Vending machines selling condoms are found in toilets at many locations. You can also order then online from different manufacturers and distributors.
How can I check a condom is safe to use?

Condoms that have been properly tested and approved carry the British Standard Kite Mark or the EEC Standard Mark (CE). In the USA, condoms should be FDA approved, and elsewhere in the world, they should be ISO approved. To find out more about condom testing see our Condoms history, effectiveness and testing page.

Condoms have an expiration (Exp) or manufacture (MFG) date on the box or individual package that tells you when it is safe to use the condom until. It's important to check this when you use a condom. You should also make sure the package and the condom appear to be in good condition.
Condoms can deteriorate if not stored properly as they are affected by both heat and light. So it's best not to use a condom that has been stored in your back pocket, your wallet, or the glove compartment of your car. If a condom feels sticky or very dry you shouldn't use it as the packaging has probably been damaged.
How do you use a condom?
condoms

Open the condom package at one corner being careful not to tear the condom with your fingernails, your teeth, or through being too rough. Make sure the package and condom appear to be in good condition, and check that if there is an expiry date that the date has not passed.

Place the rolled condom over the tip of the hard penis, and if the condom does not have a reservoir top, pinch the tip of the condom enough to leave a half inch space for semen to collect. If the man is not circumcised, then pull back the foreskin before rolling on the condom.

Pinch the air out of the condom tip with one hand and unroll the condom over the penis with the other hand. Roll the condom all the way down to the base of the penis, and smooth out any air bubbles. (Air bubbles can cause a condom to break).

If you want to use some extra lubrication, put it on the outside of the condom. But always use a water-based lubricant (such as KY Jelly or Liquid Silk) with latex condoms, as an oil-based lubricant will cause the latex to break.

The man wearing the condom doesn't always have to be the one putting it on - it can be quite a nice thing for his partner to do.
What do you do if the condom won't unroll?
unrolled condom

The condom should unroll smoothly and easily from the rim on the outside. If you have to struggle or if it takes more than a few seconds, it probably means that you are trying to put the condom on upside down. To take off the condom, don't try to roll it back up. Hold it near the rim and slide it off. Then start again with a new condom.
When do you take off the condom?

Pull out before the penis softens, and hold the condom against the base of the penis while you pull out, so that the semen doesn't spill. Condom should be disposed properly for example wrapping it in a tissue and throwing it away. It's not good to flush condoms down the toilet - they're bad for the environment.
What do you do if a condom breaks?

If a condom breaks during sexual intercourse, then pull out quickly and replace the condom. Whilst you are having sex, check the condom from time to time, to make sure it hasn't split or slipped off. If the condom has broken and you feel that semen has come out of the condom during sex, you should consider getting emergency contraception such as the morning after pill.
What condoms should you use for anal intercourse?

With anal intercourse more strain is placed on the condom. You can use stronger condoms (which are thicker) but standard condoms are just as effective as long as they are used correctly with plenty of lubricant. Condoms with a lubricant containing Nonoxynol 9 should NOT be used for anal sex as Nonoxynol 9 damages the lining of the rectum increasing the risk of HIV and other STD transmission.
Is using a condom effective?

If used properly, a condom is very effective at reducing the risk of being infected with HIV during sexual intercourse. Using a condom also provides protection against other sexually transmitted diseases, and protection against pregnancy. In the laboratory, latex condoms are very effective at blocking transmission of HIV because the pores in latex condoms are too small to allow the virus to pass through. However, outside of the laboratory condoms are less effective because people do not always use condoms properly. To find out more about the effectiveness of condoms, go to our Condom history, effectiveness and testing page.
How do you dispose of a used condom?

All condoms should be disposed of by wrapping in tissue or toilet paper and throwing them in the bin. Condoms should not be flushed down the toilet as they may cause blockages in the sewage system and pollution.
Latex condoms are made mainly from latex with added stabilizers, preservatives and vulcanizing (hardening) agents. Latex is a natural substance made form rubber trees, but because of the added ingredients most latex condoms are not biodegradable. Polyurethane condoms are made from plastic and are not biodegradable. Biodegradable latex condoms are available from some manufacturers.
How can I persuade my partner that we should use a condom?

It can be difficult to talk about using condoms. But you shouldn't let embarrassment become a health risk. The person you are thinking about having sex with may not agree at first when you say that you want to use a condom when you have sex. These are some comments that might be made and some answers that you could try...
EXCUSE ANSWER
Don't you trust me? Trust isn't the point, people can have infections without realising it
It does not feel as good with a condom I'll feel more relaxed, If I am more relaxed, I can make it feel better for you.
I don't stay hard when I put on a condom I'll help you put it on, that will help you keep it hard.
I don't have a condom with me. I do.
I am afraid to ask him to use a condom. He'll think I don't trust him. If you can't ask him, you probably don't trust him.
I can't feel a thing when I wear a condom Maybe that way you'll last even longer and that will make up for it
I don't stay hard when I put on a condom I'll help you put it on, that will help you keep it
I don't have a condom with me I do
It's up to him...it's his decision It's your health. It should be your decision too!
I'm on the pill, you don't need a condom I'd like to use it anyway. It will help to protect us from infections we may not realise we have.
It just isn't as sensitive and I can't feel a thing Maybe that way you will last even longer and that will make up for it
Putting it on interrupts everything Not if I help put it on
I guess you don't really love me I do, but I am not risking my future to prove it
I will pull out in time Women can get pregnant and STDs from pre-ejaculate
But I love you Then you'll help us to protect ourselves.
Just this once Once is all it takes

There are many reasons to use condoms when having sex. You could go through these reasons with your partner and see what she/he thinks.
Reasons to use condoms

1. Condoms are the only contraceptive that also helps prevent the spread of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) including HIV when used properly and consistently.
2. Condoms are one of the most reliable methods of birth control when use properly and consistently.
3. Condoms have none of the medical side-effects of some other birth control methods may have.
4. Condoms are available in various shapes, colours, flavours, textures and sizes - to increase the fun of making love with condoms.
5. Condoms are widely available in pharmacies, supermarkets and convenience stores. You don't need a prescription or have to visit a doctor.
6. Condoms make sex less messy.
7. Condoms are user friendly. With a little practice, they can also add confidence to the enjoyment of sex.
8. Condoms are only needed when you are having sex unlike some other contraceptives which require you to take or have them all of the time.

Here are also some tips that can help you to feel more confident and relaxed about using condoms.
Confidence tips

* Keep condoms handy at all times. If things start getting steamy - you'll be ready. It's not a good idea to find yourself having to rush out at the crucial moment to buy condoms - at the height of the passion you may not want to.
* When you buy condoms, don't get embarrassed. If anything, be proud. It shows that you are responsible and confident and when the time comes it will all be worthwhile. It can be more fun to go shopping for condoms with your partner or friend. Nowadays, it is also easy to buy condoms discreetly on the internet.
* Talk with your partner about using a condom before having sex. It removes anxiety and embarrassment. Knowing where you both stand before the passion stands will make you lot more confident that you both agree and are happy about using a condom.
* If you are new to condoms, the best way to learn how to use them is to practice putting them on by yourself or your partner. It does not take long to become a master.
* If you feel that condoms interrupt you passion then try introducing condoms into your lovemaking. It can be really sexy if your partner helps you put it on or you do it together.

What you should do if you have condom breakage during Sex.

How frequent is condom breakage/slippage? International research indicates that male condom breakage ranges from zero to 12 percent, with both breakage and slippage occurring around 2 percent of the time. The percent of condoms that slip off the penis during or after intercourse is similar.

A 1993 FHI study showed that most condom users rarely experience condom breakage and/or slippage. A small group of users is often responsible for a majority of the breaks and slips. In the study, 177 couples used 1,947 condoms and reported a combined breakage/slippage rate of 8.7 percent. If every couple were equally likely to experience condom breakage/slippage, then each couple would have been expected to have about 1 out of 11 condoms either break or slip off. However, in this study, 16 couples (less than 10 percent of participants) were responsible for 50 percent of all the breakage/slippage. Well over half the couples did not experience any condom breakage/slippage among the 11 condoms each couple used.

Observed vs. Expected Number of
Condom Breakage/Slippage 177 Couples

Number per Couples	Observed # of Couples	Expected # of Couples
0	110	65
1	26	68
2	17	33
3	8	9
4+	16	2

In this study, four factors for men were significantly associated with increased condom breakage and slippage:

• no condom experience in the past year;
• condom breakage in the past year;
• not living with partner;
• 12 or fewer years of schooling.

Several other reasons for condom failure have been mentioned in the literature:

• opening the package with sharp objects or teeth;
• incorrect methods of putting on the condom, such as pulling it on like a sock;
• use of oil-based lubricant;
• lengthy and vigorous intercourse;
• using condoms for non-vaginal intercourse;
• not holding rim of condom during withdrawal;
• re-use of condoms.

In addition to presenting overall percentages of breakage and slippage, it also may be informative to present their distribution among study participants (i.e., the percentage of users with no breaks, the percentage with one break, etc.). This illustrates that for a majority of condom users, condom breakage and slippage are rare events.

It is equally important to understand that not all breakage/slippage exposes the condom user to the same risks. Researchers have begun to distinguish between clinical and non-clinical breakage. Clinical breakage occurs when condoms break during intercourse or withdrawal and are the only type of break that directly put the couple at risk of pregnancy and/or sexually transmitted diseases (STD). Nonclinical breaks occur when opening the package and putting on the condom and do not expose the couple to pregnancy or STD. In a recent review of ten FHI condom studies, about one-third of the breaks were classified as non-clinical.

Although the condom literature mentions relatively high breakage and slippage rates, it is important to remember that:

• these rates may be caused by certain behaviors and certain characteristics of a very small proportion of users;
• about one-third of the breaks do not put the users at risk of pregnancy and disease transmission because they occur prior to intercourse.

Condoms are an effective method of preventing pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases if they are used correctly and consistently during each act of intercourse. The dissemination of condom use instructions must be a high priority in service delivery programs to assure that maximum protection is provided by the use of condoms.

Condom Instructions

A multitude of condom instructions have been developed over the years by various organizations. The following instructions are based on FHI research findings.

Follow these guidelines for proper use:

• Carefully open package so condom does not tear.
• Do not unroll condom before putting it on.
• Put the condom on end of hard penis.
• Unroll condom until it covers all of penis.
• Always put condom on before entering partner.
• After ejaculation (coming), hold rim of condom and pull penis out before penis gets soft.
• Slide condom off without spilling liquid (semen or come) inside.
• Throw away or bury condom.

Other considerations:

• Do not use grease, oils, lotions or petroleum jelly to make condoms slippery, only use a jelly or cream that does not have oil in it.
• Use a condom each time you have sex.
• Use a condom only once.
• Store condoms in a cool, dry place.
• Do not use condoms that may be old or damaged; do not use a condom if:
  • the package is broken
  • the condom is brittle or dried out
  • the color is uneven or changed
  • it is unusually sticky

What’s Wrong With Dating Secretly?

Jessica* was caught in a dilemma. It all started when a classmate named Jeremy began showing interest in her. “He was very cute,” she says, “and my friends said he was the most decent boy I’d ever meet. Several girls had tried to start a relationship with him, but he wasn’t interested in them. He liked only me.”

Before long, Jeremy asked Jessica out. Jessica says: “I explained to him that as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, I wouldn’t be allowed to date someone who wasn’t of my faith. But then Jeremy had an idea. He asked, ‘Why can’t we just date behind your parents’ backs?’”

Related topics:

* What if I'm Invited to “Hook Up”?
* Why Am I Drawn to the Wrong People?


IF SOMEONE you were attracted to made such a suggestion, how would you respond? You might be surprised to learn that, at first, Jessica went along with Jeremy’s plan. “I was convinced that if I dated him, I could make him learn to love Jehovah,” she says. How did things turn out? We’ll find out later. First, let’s see how even an otherwise exemplary Christian youth like Jessica could unwittingly get caught in the snare of secret dating.
Why They Do It

Some youths pair off at an early age. “I have seen children with boyfriends and girlfriends at 10 or 11!” says Susan, in Britain. Why are they so eager? The natural attraction of the opposite sex and a dose of peer pressure—often that’s all it takes. “Your hormones are rushing and everyone else at school is going out with someone,” says Lois, in Australia.

But why do some date secretly? “Probably they’re scared of what their parents will say,” says Jeffrey, in Britain. David, in South Africa, feels similarly. “They know their parents would not approve,” he says, “so they don’t tell them.” A girl in Australia named Jane points out another possibility. “Secret dating is a rebellion thing,” she says. “If you feel that you’re not being treated like the young adult you think you are, you decide that you’re going to do what you want and just not tell your parents. Keeping it a secret is easy.”

Of course, the Bible commands you to obey your parents. (Ephesians 6:1) And if your parents object to your dating, they must surely have good reasons. For example, if they are Jehovah’s Witnesses, your parents would want you to date only a fellow believer—and then only when both of you are in a position to consider marriage.# Don’t be surprised, though, if you find yourself thinking:

* I feel left out because everyone is dating except me.
* I’m attracted to someone who doesn’t share my faith.
* I would like to go out with a fellow Christian, even though I’m too young to marry.

You probably know what your parents would say about these statements. And deep down, you know that your parents are right. Still, you may feel like Manami, in Japan, who says: “The pressure to date is so strong that I sometimes doubt my stand. For kids today it’s unthinkable not to be dating.” Some in that situation have begun to date and have hidden the matter from their parents. How?
“We Were Told to Keep It a Secret”

The very term “secret dating” suggests a measure of deception. Some keep their dating secret by communicating primarily over the phone or the Internet. In public they are just friends, while their e-mails, text messages, and phone calls tell a completely different story.

Caleb, in Nigeria, reveals another sly tactic. “Some youths who secretly date use code words and nicknames when they are talking among their peers so that others will not grasp what they’re talking about,” he says. Another method is to arrange for a group activity, only to pair off later. James, in Britain, says: “Once, a group of us were invited to meet at a location, only to discover that the whole thing had been set up so that two in the group could be together. We were told to keep it a secret.”

Frequently, as James points out, secret dating is carried out with the cooperation of friends. “At least one friend knows about the situation but chooses not to say anything because of a ‘don’t-tell’ mentality,” says Carol, in Scotland.

Often, blatant dishonesty is involved. “Many keep their dating secret by lying to their parents about where they go,” says Beth, in Canada. Misaki, in Japan, admits that she did just that. “I had to make up stories carefully,” she says. “I was cautious not to tell any lies other than those related to my dating so that I would not lose my parents’ trust.”
The Pitfalls of Secret Dating

If you are tempted to date secretly—or if you are already doing so—you need to consider the following.

Where will my deceitful course lead? Do you intend to marry the person reasonably soon? “Dating without the intention of marriage is like advertising something you’re not selling,” says Evan, in the United States. Proverbs 13:12 says: “Expectation postponed is making the heart sick.” Do you really want to make someone you care about sick at heart?

How does Jehovah God feel about what I am doing? The Bible says that “all things are naked and openly exposed to the eyes of him with whom we have an accounting.” (Hebrews 4:13) So if you’re covering up your own dating—or that of a friend—Jehovah already knows about it. And if deception is involved, you have good reason to be concerned. Jehovah God feels strongly about lying. Indeed, “a false tongue” is listed prominently in the Bible among the things that he detests.—Proverbs 6:16-19.

Really, if you date secretly, you rob yourself of the protection that you can have when your relationship is aboveboard, out in the open. Not surprisingly, some who secretly date fall into sexual misconduct. Jane, in Australia, tells of a friend who secretly dated a boy from school and led a double life. “By the time her dad found out she had a boyfriend, she was pregnant,” Jane says.

Certainly, you would do well to talk to your parents or a mature Christian adult about any secret relationship that you may be involved in. And if you have a friend who is dating secretly, do not share in his or her course by helping to cover it up. (1 Timothy 5:22) After all, how would you feel if the relationship had harmful consequences? Would you not be at least partly responsible? Suppose a friend who is diabetic is secretly eating sweets. What if you found out about it, but your friend begged you not to tell anyone? What would be your most important concern—covering up for your friend or taking action that could possibly save his or her life?

The same is true if you know someone who is dating secretly. Don’t worry about permanently ruining your friendship! In time, a true friend will realize that you were acting in his or her best interests.—Proverbs 27:6.
Secrecy or Privacy?

Not all secrecy surrounding dating involves deception. Suppose that a young man and woman who are of an age to get married would like to become better acquainted but that for a time they wish to maintain a measure of privacy. Perhaps, as a young man named Thomas said, “they don’t want to be teased with questions like, ‘So when are you getting married?’”

Undue pressure from others can indeed be harmful. (Song of Solomon 2:7) Therefore, at the initial stage of a relationship, some couples may well choose to be discreet—while being careful not to isolate themselves. (Proverbs 10:19) “This gives two people time to decide if they’re serious about each other,” says 20-year-old Anna. “If they are, then they can go public.”

At the same time, it would be wrong to hide your relationship from those who have a right to know about it, such as your parents or the parents of the person you are dating. If you cannot be open about your dating, you should ask yourself why. Is your case similar to Jessica’s that was mentioned at the outset of this article? Do you know in your heart that your parents would have valid reasons to object?
“I Knew What I Had to Do”

Jessica, mentioned at the outset, changed her mind about dating secretly when she heard the experience of another Christian who was in the same situation. “After hearing how she broke off the relationship,” Jessica says, “I knew what I had to do.” Was breaking up easy? No! “This was the only boy I had ever really liked,” Jessica says. “I cried every day for several weeks.”

Yet, Jessica knew something else—that she loved Jehovah and that although she had got sidetracked, she truly wanted to do what was right. In time, the pain of breaking up subsided. “Now,” Jessica says, “my relationship with Jehovah is better than ever. I’m so grateful that he gives us the direction we need at just the right time!”

* Some names in this article have been changed.

# See the article “Young People Ask . . . When Can I Start Dating?” appearing in our issue of January 2007.
TO THINK ABOUT

* Look back at the three situations highlighted in bold [above]. Which, if any, of these describes how you feel at times?
* How can you address the matter without dating secretly?

More articles from the “Young People Ask . . .” series can be found at www.watchtower.org/ype
A NOTE TO PARENTS

After reading the preceding article, you may wonder, ‘Would my son or daughter date behind my back?’ Note what a number of youths told Awake! about why some may be tempted to date secretly, and then think about the accompanying questions.

“Some kids aren’t finding comfort at home, so they decide to lean on a boyfriend or girlfriend.”—Wendy.

As a parent, how can you make sure that the emotional needs of your children are adequately cared for? Are there improvements you can make in this regard? If so, what are they?

“When I was 14, an exchange student asked me to be his girlfriend. I agreed. I thought it would be nice to have a guy put his arms around me.”—Diane.

If Diane were your daughter, how would you address this issue?

“Mobile phones make secret dating easy. Parents have no idea what is going on!”—Annette.

What precautions can you take when it comes to your children’s use of cell phones?

“Secret dating is much easier when parents don’t keep a close enough eye on what their children are doing and with whom.”—Thomas.

Are there ways you can be more a part of your teenager’s life and still allow him or her appropriate freedoms?

“Often parents aren’t home when their children are. Or they are too trusting about letting their children go places with other people.”—Nicholas.

Think of your child’s closest associate. Do you really know what their activities involve when they are together?

“Secret dating can happen when parents are overly strict.”—Paul.

Without compromising Bible laws and principles, how can you “let your reasonableness become known”?—Philippians 4:5.

“In my early teens, I had low self-esteem and I craved attention. I began e-mailing a boy in a neighboring congregation and fell in love. He made me feel special.”—Linda.

Can you think of some healthier ways that Linda’s needs could have been fulfilled at home?

Why not use this article as a basis for discussion with your son or daughter? The best countermeasure to secrecy is heartfelt and forthright communication. It takes time and patience to discern the needs of a young person, but the rewards make the effort worthwhile.—Proverbs 20:5.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PREMARITAL SEX

CAN you relate to the way Jordon and Kelly feel? After all, traditional customs and values that once discouraged premarital sex are all but gone. (Hebrews 13:4) A survey in one Asian country revealed that the majority of 15- to 24-year-old males felt that premarital intercourse was not only accepted but expected of them. Little wonder that throughout the world most young people have had sex before they reach 19 years of age. Then there are youths who refrain from intercourse but who engage in so-called sexual alternatives, such as fondling one another’s sexual organs (sometimes called mutual masturbation). A disturbing report in The New York Times reveals that “oral sex has become a commonplace initiation into sexual activity, widely perceived by many young people as less intimate, and less risky, than intercourse . . . [and] as a means of avoiding pregnancy and of preserving their virginity.” Just how should a Christian view premarital sex? And what about so-called alternatives to intercourse? Are they acceptable to God? Are they safe? And do they really preserve one’s virginity? If a youth engaged in any form of fornication, could he or she be considered a virgin in God’s eyes? What Fornication Includes An authoritative answer to these questions can come only from our Creator—Jehovah God. And in his Word he tells us to “flee from fornication.” (1 Corinthians 6:18) Just what does that mean? The Greek word translated “fornication” is not restricted to sexual intercourse but includes a variety of lewd acts. So if two unmarried people engage in oral sex or in fondling each others’ reproductive organs, they are guilty of fornication. But could they still be considered virgins—that is, in God’s eyes? In the Bible the word “virgin” is used as a symbol of moral purity. (2 Corinthians 11:2-6) But it is also used in a physical sense. The Bible tells of a young woman named Rebekah. It says that she was “a virgin, and no man had had sexual intercourse with her.” (Genesis 24:16) Interestingly, in the original Hebrew, the word for “intercourse” evidently included other acts besides normal man/woman intercourse. (Genesis 19:5) So, according to the Bible, if a youth engaged in any form of fornication, he or she could hardly be considered a virgin. The Bible exhorts Christians to flee not only from fornication itself but also from all forms of unclean conduct that could lead to it.# (Colossians 3:5) Others may ridicule you for taking such a stand. “‘You don’t know what you’re missing!’ is what I heard all through high school,” says a Christian youth named Kelly. However, premarital sex is nothing more than the “temporary enjoyment of sin.” (Hebrews 11:25) It can cause lasting physical, emotional, and spiritual harm. Serious Threats The Bible tells us that King Solomon once observed a young man being seduced into premarital sex. Solomon compared the young man to “a bull that comes even to the slaughter.” A bull that is to be butchered seems to have no idea what is about to happen to it. Young ones who engage in premarital sex often behave similarly—they seem to show little or no awareness that there are serious consequences to their actions! Solomon said of that young man: “He has not known that it involves his very soul.” (Proverbs 7:22, 23) Yes, your “soul”—your life—is at stake. For example, each year millions of youths contract a sexually transmitted disease (STD). “When I found out I had herpes, I wanted to run away,” says Lydia. She laments, “It is a painful disease that will never go away.” Over half of all new HIV infections worldwide (6,000 a day) occur among those who are between 15 and 24 years of age. A doctor informing a young man that he has a sexually transmitted disease Those engaging in premarital sex risk contracting a sexually transmitted disease Females are particularly vulnerable to a host of problems related to premarital sex. In fact, the threat of STDs (as well as HIV) is higher for females than for males. If a young girl becomes pregnant, she places herself and her unborn child at further risk. Why? Because a young girl’s body may not have developed to the point of being able to handle childbirth safely. Even if a teen mother escapes severe health consequences, she must still face the serious responsibilities that parenthood brings. Many girls find that fending for themselves and for a newborn infant is far more difficult than they had imagined. Then there are the spiritual and emotional aftereffects. King David’s sexual sin endangered his friendship with God and nearly led to his spiritual ruin. (Psalm 51) And while David recovered spiritually, he suffered the consequences of his sin for the rest of his life. Young ones today can suffer similarly. For example, when she was only 17 years old, Cherie became physically intimate with a boy. She thought he loved her. Years later, she still regrets her actions. She laments: “I took Bible truths for granted and suffered the consequences. I lost Jehovah’s favor, and that was devastating.” A youth named Trish similarly admits: “Premarital sex was the biggest mistake of my life. I would do anything just to be a virgin again.” Yes, emotional wounds can linger for years, causing stress and heartache. Premarital sex can wound the conscience of a God-fearing youth Learning Self-Control Young Shanda raises an important question, “Why would God give young people sexual desires, knowing that they should not use them until after marriage?” It is true that sexual desires can be particularly strong during “the bloom of youth.” (1 Corinthians 7:36) In fact, teenagers may experience sudden sexual arousal for no seeming reason. But this is not something wicked. It is a normal part of the development of the reproductive system.% It is also true that Jehovah designed sexual relations to be pleasurable. This was in harmony with his original purpose for humans to populate the earth. (Genesis 1:28) Nevertheless, God never intended for us to misuse our procreative powers. “Each one of you should know how to get possession of his own vessel in sanctification and honor,” says the Bible. (1 Thessalonians 4:4) To act upon every sexual desire would be, in a sense, as foolish as hitting someone each time you felt anger. Sexual relations are a gift from God, a gift that is to be enjoyed at the appropriate time—when one is married. How does God feel when we try to enjoy sex outside of marriage? Well, imagine that you have purchased a gift for a friend. Before you can give it to that friend, he or she steals it! Wouldn’t you be upset? Imagine, then, how God feels when a person engages in premarital sex, abusing the gift that God has provided. What should you do about your sexual feelings? Put simply, learn to control them. Remind yourself that “Jehovah himself will not hold back anything good from those walking in faultlessness.” (Psalm 84:11) “When I find myself thinking that premarital sex would not be so bad,” says a youth named Gordon, “I reflect on the bad spiritual consequences and realize that no sin is worth the loss of my relationship with Jehovah.” Exercising self-control may not be easy. But as young Adrian reminds us, “it leaves you with a clean conscience and a good relationship with Jehovah, free to focus on the more important things, with no guilt or remorse for past actions.”—Psalm 16:11. There are many good reasons for you to “abstain from fornication” in all its various forms. (1 Thessalonians 4:3) Admittedly, this is not always easy. A future article will address practical ways in which you can “preserve yourself chaste.”—1 Timothy 5:22.