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What Will You Do, If You Were Cheated on?

Sunday, August 5, 2012


A man walked up to me, and told me he was planning a marriage ceremony with his soon to become wife, and after spending greater portion of his savings for the marriage, he discovered that his finance  had cheated on him 2 weeks prior to the wedding date, then he looked up the sky and asked the Creator of mankind why such was happening to him,  he quickly called and cancelled the marriage with a vow never to trust any woman in this world.

  Every one invited were forced to ask the parties involve in the marriage what was the  reason for the cancellation, but the man told them to ask the woman, and when she was asked she told every one to help her beg the man, that she just wanted to have to test of another man knowing it was going to be the last time she had another man, so she don't get to cheat when she is married, she was forced to cheat because her husband slept with another woman during their courtship and she understood he was doing it for the last time. Now the whole family is Trying to see how they an help out.

    So please I want everyone that read this to tell me what they will tell the couples if they were to advise them?

Is Divorce the Answer?

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

FOUR THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT DIVORCE

A couple thinking about divorce
After assessing the damage, the owners have a choice—either tear down the house or save it.
IS YOUR marriage at a similar juncture? Perhaps your spouse has betrayed your trust or recurring conflicts have sapped the joy from your relationship. If so, you might tell yourself, ‘We’ve fallen out of love’ or ‘We just aren’t meant for each other’ or ‘We didn’t know what we were doing when we got married.’ You could even be thinking, ‘Maybe we should divorce.’
Before making a hasty decision to end your marriage, think. Divorce does not always end life’s anxieties. On the contrary, often it merely exchanges one set of problems for another. In his book The Good Enough Teen, Dr. Brad Sachs warns: “Separating couples fantasize about the perfect divorce—the sudden and permanent passing of gray and stormy conflict, replaced by the cool, comforting breezes of serenity and congeniality. But such a state is just as eternally elusive as is the perfect marriage.” It is important, then, to be fully informed and to approach the question of divorce realistically.

The Bible and Divorce

The Bible does not treat divorce casually. It states that Jehovah God views as treacherous and hateful the frivolous putting away of one’s mate, perhaps with the motive of taking another spouse. (Malachi 2:13-16) Marriage is a permanent bond. (Matthew 19:6) Many marriages that broke up on trivial grounds could have been saved if partners had been more forgiving.—Matthew 18:21, 22.
At the same time, the Bible allows for divorce and remarriage on one ground—sexual relations outside the marriage. (Matthew 19:9) Therefore, if you learn that your mate has been unfaithful, you have the right to terminate the marriage. Others should not impose their views on you, and it is not the purpose of this article to tell you what to do. In the end, you are the one who will live with the consequences; therefore, you are the one who must decide.—Galatians 6:5.
Nevertheless, the Bible states: “The shrewd one considers his steps.” (Proverbs 14:15) Hence, even if you have Scriptural grounds for divorce, you would do well to give serious thought to what that step will entail. (1 Corinthians 6:12) “Some may think that they have to decide quickly,” says David, in Britain. “But having been through a divorce, I can say from experience that time is needed to think things through.”*
Let us consider four important issues you need to think about. As we do, please note that none of the divorced individuals quoted say that they made a wrong decision. However, their comments highlight some of the challenges that often arise in the months and even years after ending a marriage.

1 The Problem of Finances

A mother reviewing her finances
Daniella, in Italy, was married for 12 years when she found out that her husband had been having an affair with a colleague. “By the time I knew about it,” says Daniella, “the woman was six months pregnant.”
After a period of separation, Daniella decided to get a divorce. “I tried to save my marriage,” she says, “but my husband continued to be unfaithful.” Daniella feels that she made the right choice. Still, she relates: “As soon as we separated, my economic situation became disastrous. Sometimes I didn’t even have an evening meal. I would just drink a glass of milk.”
Maria, in Spain, suffered a similar setback. “My ex-husband doesn’t give us any financial support,” she says, “and I have to work very hard to pay off debts he had. I also had to move from a comfortable house to a small apartment in an unsafe area.”
As these experiences show, the breakup of a marriage often deals a devastating financial blow to women. In fact, a seven-year European study revealed that while the income of men increased by 11 percent after divorce, women’s income decreased by 17 percent. “It’s difficult for some women,” says Mieke Jansen, who headed the study, “because they have to care for the children, find a job as well as deal with the emotional trauma of divorce.” London’s Daily Telegraph noted that according to some attorneys, such factors are “forcing people to think twice about splitting up.”
What might happen: If you divorce, there may be a reduction in your income. You may also have to move. If you retain custody, it may be difficult to support yourself and adequately care for the needs of your children.—1 Timothy 5:8.

2 Parenting Issues

“My husband’s unfaithfulness came as a terrible shock,” says a woman in Britain named Jane. “Also, I was devastated to think that he actually chose to leave us.” Jane divorced her husband. She still believes that she made the right decision, but she admits: “One challenge I faced was having to be both mom and dad to the children. I had to make all the decisions myself.”
The situation was similar with Graciela, a divorced mother in Spain. “I was given full custody of my 16-year-old son,” she says. “But adolescence is a difficult time, and I was ill-prepared to raise my son alone. I spent days and nights sobbing. I felt like a failure as a mother.”
Those who share custody may face an additional problem—having to negotiate with the ex-spouse on such delicate issues as visitation arrangements, child support, and discipline. Christine, a divorced mother in the United States, says: “Creating a working relationship with your ex is not easy. There are so many emotions involved, and if you’re not careful, you could end up using your child as a tool to try to manipulate the situation.”
What might happen: The custody arrangements set forth in a court of law may not be what you would prefer. If you share custody, your ex-spouse may not be as reasonable as you would like regarding the aforementioned matters of visitation, financial support, and so on.

“EVERY CHILD’S BIRTHRIGHT”

“When I was five years old, my father had a brief affair with his secretary, and my parents divorced. As far as taking care of me, they did everything ‘right’ according to the wisdom of the day. They reassured me that while they did not love each other anymore, they still loved me, and after my father departed to his bachelor apartment across town, both continued to care for my material needs.
“Two years later my mother remarried, and we moved out of the country. After that, I only saw my father every few years. I have seen him just once in the past nine years. He missed most of my growing up, and he does not know my three children—his grandchildren—except through what I’ve shared with him in letters and photos. They have missed knowing their grandfather.
“As a child of divorce, I grew up without any visible scars. But inside I battled monsters of rage, depression, and insecurity without knowing why. My trust in men was nonexistent. It wasn’t until I was in my 30’s that a mature friend helped me to identify the roots of my hostility and I began to work at letting go of it.
“My parents’ divorce took away from me every child’s birthright—the feeling of being secure and protected. The world is a cold, scary place, but it seems to me that the family unit is a wall against it, where the child can come to feel nurtured and comforted. Shatter the family unit, and the protective wall crumbles too.”—Diane.

3 The Effect of Divorce on You

Mark, from Britain, was betrayed by his wife more than once. “The second time,” he says, “I couldn’t cope with the possibility that it could happen again.” Mark divorced his wife, but he found that his feelings for her lingered. “When people say negative things about her, they think they’re helping; but they’re not,” he says. “Love stays for a long time.”
David, quoted earlier, was similarly devastated when he found out that his wife was involved with another man. “I reacted with total disbelief,” he says. “I truly wanted to spend every day of my life with her and our children.” David chose to divorce, but the breakup has left him with doubts about his future. “I wonder if someone could really love me or whether this might happen again if I remarry,” he says. “My confidence has been shaken.”
If you are divorced, it is only to be expected that you will experience a wide range of emotions. On the one hand, you might still feel love for this person with whom you shared a one-flesh bond. (Genesis 2:24) On the other hand, you might feel resentful over what has occurred. “Even after several years,” says Graciela, quoted earlier, “you feel confused, humiliated, and helpless. Many happy moments from your marriage come to mind, and you think: ‘He used to tell me that he couldn’t live without me. Was he always lying? Why did this happen?’”
What might happen: You may have lingering feelings of anger and resentment over the ways in which your spouse mistreated you. At times, loneliness may be overwhelming.—Proverbs 14:29; 18:1.

4 The Effect of Divorce on Children

Sad children
“It was devastating,” says José, a divorced father in Spain. “The worst moment was when I discovered that the other man was my sister’s husband. I just wanted to die.” José found that his two boys—ages two and four—were also affected by their mother’s course. “They could not come to terms with the situation,” he says. “They didn’t understand why their mother was living with their uncle and why I had taken them with me and moved in with my sister and my mother. If I had to go somewhere, they would ask, ‘When are you coming home?’ or they would say, ‘Daddy, don’t leave us!’”
Children are often the forgotten casualties on the divorce battlefield. But what if two parents just do not get along? In such a case, is divorce really “better for the children”? In recent years, that notion has come under attack—especially when marital problems are not extreme. The book The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce states: “Many adults who are trapped in very unhappy marriages would be surprised to learn that their children are relatively content. They don’t care if Mom and Dad sleep in different beds as long as the family is together.”
Admittedly, children are often aware of parental conflicts, and marital tension can take a toll on their young minds and hearts. However, to assume that a divorce will automatically be in their best interests could be a mistake. “The structure that marriage provides appears to help parents maintain the kind of consistent, moderate discipline to which children respond, even when the marriage is less than ideal,” write Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher in their book The Case for Marriage.
What might happen: Divorce could have a devastating effect on your children, especially if you do not encourage them to have a healthy relationship with your ex-spouse.—See the box “Caught in the Middle.”
This article has discussed four factors that you would do well to consider if you are thinking about divorce. As mentioned earlier, if your spouse has been unfaithful, the decision is yours to make. Whichever course you choose, you need to be aware of the consequences. Know what challenges you will face, and be prepared to deal with them.
After considering the matter, you might feel that the better option is to work to improve your marriage. But is that really possible?

Increase the Joy and Dignity of Your Wedding Day

A happy couple on their wedding day

“MY WEDDING day was one of the most meaningful and joyful days of my life,” said Gordon, who has been married for almost 60 years. What makes the wedding day so meaningful for true Christians? It is a day when they make a sacred promise to ones they dearly love—their mate and Jehovah God. (Matthew 22:37; Ephesians 5:22-29) Yes, couples planning to marry want to enjoy their wedding day, but they also want to honor the Originator of marriage.—Genesis 2:18-24; Matthew 19:5, 6.
How can a groom enhance the dignity of this happy occasion? What can a bride do to show honor to her husband and to Jehovah? How can others who attend add to the joy of the wedding day? Considering some Bible principles will help to answer those questions, and applying those principles will minimize possible problems that could detract from this special occasion.

Who Is Responsible?

In many lands, a minister of Jehovah’s Witnesses may legally officiate at a marriage ceremony. Even in places where the legal step must be performed by a civil agent, a couple may want to have a Bible-based talk. In such a talk, the groom is usually asked to reflect on the God-given role of the family head. (1 Corinthians 11:3) Accordingly, the groom has the prime responsibility for what happens at the wedding. Of course, the arrangements for the wedding ceremony itself and for any gathering that may follow are usually made well in advance. Why may this present challenges?
One reason is that relatives on one side or the other may attempt to exert a dominant influence on wedding plans. Rodolfo, who has performed many weddings, notes: “At times, the groom comes under tremendous pressure from relatives, especially if they are helping to pay for the wedding reception. They may have strong opinions as to what should happen during the wedding ceremony and at the reception. This could undermine the groom’s Scriptural role as the one responsible for the occasion.”
Max, who has been performing wedding ceremonies for more than 35 years, observes: “I have noticed a trend toward the bride taking the lead in deciding what will take place at the wedding and at the reception, with the groom having less to say.” David, who has also officiated at many weddings, comments: “Grooms may not be used to taking the lead and are commonly not sufficiently involved in the wedding preparations.” How can the groom effectively shoulder his responsibility?

Communication Increases Joy

For the groom to carry out his responsibility for wedding preparations successfully, he must communicate effectively. The Bible pointedly says: “There is a frustrating of plans where there is no confidential talk.” (Proverbs 15:22) However, much frustration can be avoided if the groom first discusses wedding preparations with the bride, family members, and others who can give sound Bible-based advice.
A couple planning their wedding
A couple should communicate openly but respectfully while planning their wedding
Yes, it is vital that an engaged couple first discuss with each other the plans and possibilities. Why? Well, listen to some comments from Ivan and his wife, Delwyn, who have been happily married for many years but who came from different cultural backgrounds. Recalling their wedding plans, Ivan says: “I had definite ideas about what I wanted for my wedding, including a reception with all my friends present, a wedding cake, and my bride wearing a white wedding dress. Delwyn, on the other hand, wanted a small, simple wedding with no wedding cake. She even considered wearing something other than a wedding gown.”
How did this couple work out these differences? By kind, honest communication. (Proverbs 12:18) Ivan adds: “We studied Bible-based articles on the subject of weddings, such as those published in The Watchtower of April 15, 1984.* This material helped us to have a spiritual view of the occasion. In view of our different backgrounds, we had to compromise in several areas of personal choice. We met somewhere in the middle.”
Aret and Penny followed a similar course. Regarding their wedding day, Aret says: “Penny and I discussed our different desires for the wedding, and we were able to reach a harmonious agreement. We prayed for Jehovah’s blessing on the day. I also sought the advice of our parents and some other mature married couples in the congregation. Their suggestions were very helpful. As it turned out, our wedding was beautiful.”

Maintaining Dignity in Dress and Grooming

It is understandable that both bride and groom want to be well-dressed for their wedding. (Psalm 45:8-15) They may spend time, effort, and money on appropriate clothing. Which Bible principles can help them to choose what is both dignified and attractive?
Consider what the bride wears for the occasion. While tastes vary from person to person and from country to country, the Bible’s admonition is applicable everywhere. Women are “to adorn themselves in well-arranged dress, with modesty and soundness of mind.” That applies to Christian women at all times, and it certainly includes the wedding day. The fact is that a joyful wedding does not require “very expensive garb.” (1 Timothy 2:9; 1 Peter 3:3, 4) How satisfying when this advice is applied!
David, mentioned earlier, comments: “Most couples endeavor to follow Bible principles, and they deserve commendation. There have been cases, though, when the gowns of brides and bridesmaids were immodest, being very low-cut or see-through.” In his meeting with the bride and groom beforehand, one mature Christian elder helps them to keep a spiritual perspective. How? By asking them whether the attire they have in mind would be modest enough to wear to a Christian meeting. Granted, the style of clothing might be different from regular meeting attire, and what is worn for the wedding may reflect local custom, but the level of modesty should accord with dignified Christian standards. Even if some in the world might view the Bible’s moral code as restrictive, true Christians are content to resist the world’s attempts to squeeze them into its mold.—Romans 12:2; 1 Peter 4:4.
“Rather than viewing the clothes or the reception as the most important thing,” says Penny, “Aret and I focused on the ceremony, the spiritual part of the occasion. It was the most important part of the day. The special things I remember are, not what I wore or ate, but whom I spent the day with and the happiness I felt at marrying the man I love.” A Christian couple do well to keep such thoughts in mind as they plan their wedding.

The Kingdom Hall—A Dignified Venue

Many Christian couples desire to have their wedding ceremony in a Kingdom Hall if such is available. Why do they prefer this? One couple explained their reasoning: “We realized that marriage is Jehovah’s sacred arrangement. Getting married in the Kingdom Hall, our place of worship, helped impress upon us right from the start that Jehovah needed to be part of our marriage. Another benefit of having the ceremony in the Kingdom Hall instead of at another location was that it showed our nonbelieving relatives who attended how important worship of Jehovah is for us.”
If the congregation elders responsible for the Kingdom Hall give permission for the wedding to be held there, the couple should advise them in advance of preparations that are being considered. One way the bride and groom can show due respect for those invited to the wedding is by being firmly resolved to arrive at the scheduled time for the wedding. And they will certainly want to be sure that everything is done in a dignified manner.# (1 Corinthians 14:40) They will thus avoid the outrageous displays that mark many worldly weddings.—1 John 2:15, 16.
Those who attend the wedding can also show that they have Jehovah’s view of marriage. For example, they would not expect the wedding to outdo other Christian weddings, as if there were some competition as to whose wedding was more elaborate. Mature Christians also realize that being at the Kingdom Hall for the Bible-based talk is more important and beneficial than being at a wedding feast or a gathering that might follow. If time or circumstances will permit a Christian to be present for only one of the two, being at the Kingdom Hall would certainly be preferable. An elder named William says: “If guests are needlessly absent from the Kingdom Hall but are present at the reception later, this shows a lack of appreciation for the sacredness of the occasion. Even if we are not invited to the reception, we can show our support for the bride and groom and give an excellent witness to nonbelieving relatives at the wedding by attending the ceremony at the Kingdom Hall.”

Joy That Lasts Beyond the Wedding Day

The commercial world has turned the wedding celebration into a huge industry. According to one recent report, the average wedding in the United States “costs $22,000, or half the average [annual] income of an American household.” Influenced by commercial propaganda, many newlyweds or their families incur for that one day a burdensome debt that they carry for years. Is such a course a prudent way to start one’s marriage? Those who do not know or do not care about Bible principles may opt for such extravagance, but how different it is among true Christians!
By limiting the size of their wedding to what is reasonable and affordable and by focusing on the spiritual aspect of the event, many Christian couples have been able to use their time and assets in line with their dedication to God. (Matthew 6:33) Consider the example of Lloyd and Alexandra, who have continued in the full-time ministry for 17 years since their marriage. Lloyd comments: “Some may have viewed our wedding as a rather simple event, but Alexandra and I were very pleased. We felt that our wedding day should be, not a financial burden to overcome, but a celebration of Jehovah’s arrangement to bring great happiness to two people.”
Alexandra adds: “I was in the pioneer ministry before we were married, and I did not want to give up this privilege just to have an extravagant wedding. Our wedding day was very special. However, it was only the first day of the rest of our lives together. We applied the advice to avoid concentrating too much on the act of getting married and have sought Jehovah’s guidance in our life of being married. This has definitely brought us Jehovah’s blessing.”%
A couple getting married
Keep the spiritual significance of your wedding day uppermost in mind
Yes, your wedding day is a special occasion. The attitudes and actions evident on that day can set a pattern for your married life for years to come. Therefore, rely on Jehovah for guidance. (Proverbs 3:5, 6) Keep the spiritual significance of the day uppermost in mind. Support each other in your God-assigned roles. You can thus lay a solid foundation for your marriage, and with Jehovah’s blessing, you will have joy that lasts well beyond your wedding day.—Proverbs 18:22.

Maintaining Commitment in Your Marriage



A woman crying She says: “I noticed for some time that Michael, my husband, had been emotionally distant from me and was treating our children coldly.* His behavior changed soon after we were connected to the Internet, and I suspected that he was viewing pornography on the computer. One night after the children had gone to bed, I cornered him, and he confessed that he had been viewing pornographic Web sites. I was devastated. I couldn’t believe that this was happening to me. I completely lost trust in him. To make matters worse, a workmate had recently started to express a romantic interest in me.”
An unhappy man He says: “Some time ago my wife, Maria, discovered a picture stored on our computer and confronted me about it. When I admitted that I regularly visited pornographic Web sites, she was livid. I felt horribly embarrassed and very guilty. I thought it was the end of our marriage.”
WHAT do you think happened to Michael and Maria’s relationship? You may think that viewing pornography was Michael’s main problem. But as Michael came to realize, this vice was really a symptom of a deeper issue—a lack of commitment to the marriage.# When Michael and Maria were first married, they looked forward to a life of shared love and enjoyable experiences. Like many couples, though, their commitment to the marriage waned over time, and they seemed to drift apart.
Do you feel that the bond between you and your mate has weakened as the years have passed? Would you like to reverse that trend? If so, you need to know the answers to three questions: What does it mean to be committed to your marriage? What challenges can undermine such commitment? And what can you do to strengthen your commitment to your mate?

What Is Commitment?

How would you define commitment in marriage? Many would say that it springs from a sense of duty. For example, a couple may remain committed to their marriage because of their children or because of a duty they feel toward God, the Originator of marriage. (Genesis 2:22-24) Certainly, such motives are admirable and will help a marriage survive difficult times. But to be happy, marriage mates need to feel more than just a sense of obligation to each other.
Jehovah God designed marriage to bring a couple deep-seated joy and contentment. He intended for a man to “rejoice with [his] wife” and for a woman to love her husband and to feel that her husband loves her as he does his own body. (Proverbs 5:18; Ephesians 5:28) To create that sort of bond, a couple must learn to trust each other. Equally important, they need to develop a lifelong friendship. When a man and woman earn each other’s trust and work at becoming the best of friends, their commitment to the marriage will grow. They will form a bond the Bible describes as being so close that it is as if the two people were “one flesh.”—Matthew 19:5.
Commitment, therefore, could be likened to the mortar that binds the bricks of a sturdy house. Mortar is made from a combination of ingredients, including sand, cement, and water. Similarly, commitment is formed from a combination of such factors as duty, trust, and friendship. What may weaken that bond?

What Are the Challenges?

Commitment requires hard work and self-sacrifice. It demands that you be willing to forgo your own preferences in order to please your mate. However, the concept of yielding to someone else’s wishes—of giving without asking, ‘What’s in it for me?’—has become unpopular with many and even offensive to some. But ask yourself, ‘How many selfish people do I know who have a happy marriage?’ Likely the answer is, Few if any. Why? A selfish individual will not likely remain committed to a marriage when personal sacrifice is required, especially when there is no immediate payoff for the small concessions he or she may make. Without commitment, a relationship will sour, no matter how sweet the romantic feelings were when a couple first fell in love.
The Bible realistically acknowledges that marriage is hard work. It states that “the married man is anxious for the things of the world, how he may gain the approval of his wife,” and that “the married woman is anxious for the things of the world, how she may gain the approval of her husband.” (1 Corinthians 7:33, 34) Unfortunately, even marriage mates who normally are unselfish do not always acknowledge each other’s anxieties or value their mate’s sacrifices. When a couple fail to show appreciation for each other, their marriage is bound to cause them more “tribulation in their flesh” than it would otherwise.—1 Corinthians 7:28.
If your marriage is to survive difficult times and to thrive during good times, you need to develop a long-term view of your relationship. How can you develop such an attitude, and how can you encourage your mate to remain committed to you?

How to Strengthen Commitment

A key factor is humbly to apply the advice of God’s Word, the Bible. By doing so you will “benefit yourself” and your mate. (Isaiah 48:17) Consider just two practical steps you can take.
1. Make your marriage a priority. “Make sure of the more important things,” wrote the apostle Paul. (Philippians 1:10) In God’s eyes, the way a husband and wife treat each other is very important. A man who honors his wife will be honored by God. And a woman who respects her husband has “great value in the eyes of God.”—1 Peter 3:1-47.
Make time for your mate
A happy couple
How important is your marriage to you? Usually, the more important an endeavor, the more time you spend on it. Ask yourself: ‘Over the past month, how much time did I set aside just to spend with my mate? What specific things have I done to reassure my mate that we are still good friends?’ If you invested little or no time in maintaining your marriage, your mate may find it difficult to believe that you are committed to the union.
Does your mate think that you are committed to your marriage? How can you find out?
TRY THIS: Write on a piece of paper the following five categories: money, work, marriage, entertainment, and friends. Now number the list according to what you believe to be your spouse’s priorities. Ask your mate to do the same about you. When completed, exchange lists with your mate. If your mate feels that you are not investing enough time and energy in the marriage, discuss what changes you may need to make to strengthen your commitment to each other. Also, ask yourself, ‘What can I do to take more of an interest in the things that are important to my mate?’
Infidelity begins in the heart
A woman looking at a male coworker
2. Avoid all forms of infidelity. Jesus Christ said: “Everyone that keeps on looking at a woman so as to have a passion for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28) When a person engages in sexual intercourse outside of marriage, he or she delivers a devastating blow to the union, one that the Bible says is grounds for divorce. (Matthew 5:32) However, Jesus’ words quoted above show that a wrong desire can exist in the heart long before a person actually engages in the physical act of adultery. Entertaining that wrong desire is in itself a form of betrayal.
To maintain your commitment to your marriage, make a solemn pledge not to view pornography. Despite what many may say, pornography is poison to a marriage. Note the way one wife expresses her feelings about her husband’s viewing habits: “My husband says that watching pornography spices up our love life. But it just makes me feel that I’m worthless, that I’m not enough for him. I cry myself to sleep when he watches it.” Would you say that this man is strengthening his commitment to his marriage, or is he undermining it? Do you think that he is making it easier for his wife to remain committed to the marriage? Is he treating her as his closest friend?
The faithful man Job expressed his commitment to his marriage and to his God by making ‘a covenant with his eyes.’ He was determined not to ‘show himself attentive to a virgin.’ (Job 31:1) How can you imitate Job?
In addition to avoiding pornography, you need to guard your heart from forming an inappropriate attachment to a member of the opposite sex. True, many feel that flirting with members of the opposite sex does no harm to a marriage. But God’s Word warns us: “The heart is more treacherous than anything else and is desperate. Who can know it?” (Jeremiah 17:9) Has your heart fooled you? Ask yourself: ‘To whom am I most attentive—my spouse or some other member of the opposite sex? With whom do I share good news first—my spouse, or someone else? If my spouse asked me to limit my contact with an associate of the opposite sex, how would I react? Would I be resentful, or would I happily make the requested change?’
TRY THIS: If you find yourself attracted to someone other than your mate, limit your contact with that one to only what is necessary and keep all encounters on a purely professional level. Do not focus on ways in which you think this person is superior to your mate. Instead, focus on your mate’s positive qualities. (Proverbs 31:29) Recall the reasons why you fell in love with your mate. Ask yourself, ‘Has my mate really lost these qualities, or have I become blind to them?’

Take the Initiative

Michael and Maria, quoted at the outset, decided to ask for advice on how to resolve their issues. Of course, seeking advice is just the first step. But by being willing to face their problems and seek help, both Michael and Maria sent a clear message that they are committed to their marriage, that they are willing to work hard to make it succeed.
Whether your marriage is stable or strained, your mate needs to know that you are committed to making the marriage a success. Take whatever appropriate steps are necessary to convince your mate of that fact. Are you willing to do that?

*  Names have been changed.
#  While the example here is of a man who viewed pornography, a woman who did the same would also be displaying a lack of commitment to the marriage.

The Internet How to Avoid the Dangers

Sunday, July 29, 2012


IN A remote village in India, a farmer checks the price of soybeans in Chicago, U.S.A., to determine the best time to sell his crop. At the same moment, a pensioner smiles as she reads an E-mail from her grandson, a traveler sees the weather forecast at his destination, and a mother finds helpful material for her child’s homework—all through the Internet. With an estimated 600 million people connected worldwide, the Internet revolution has transformed the way the world communicates and does business.
Especially has the younger generation, sometimes called the Cyber Generation, embraced the Internet. Increasingly, students use it to replace the library as a primary source of news and research. “In a nutshell, these students are . . . virtually 100 percent connected,” said Deanna L. Tillisch, director of a study involving college seniors in the United States. Yes, the Internet is a valuable tool in our modern society.
Generally, the more powerful a tool is, the more dangerous it can be. A gas-powered chain saw can accomplish far more than a handsaw; yet, it must be used carefully. The Internet is likewise extremely powerful and useful, but we must exercise caution when using it, as it also poses serious dangers. Concern about these dangers has caused more than 40 member nations of the Council of Europe to draft an international treaty aimed at the protection of society against cybercrime.
Why all the concern? What are some of the dangers that are of particular concern to Christians? Should they cause you to avoid using the Internet? What guidance does the Bible provide?

Need for Caution

Centuries ago, the Bible warned of dangers posed by evil men described as “master[s] at evil ideas” and “scheming to do bad.” (Proverbs 24:8) The prophet Jeremiah described them as “wicked men” whose “houses are full of deception.” Like birdcatchers, they “set a ruinous trap” to catch men and “gain riches.” (Jeremiah 5:26, 27) Technology has provided modern-day “wicked men” with deceptive traps of new dimensions. Let us consider some schemes that can present grave dangers for Christians.
Internet pornography is a 2.5-billion-dollar-a-year industry. The number of pornographic Web pages has grown at the explosive rate of nearly 1,800 percent over the past five years. It is estimated that there are currently over 260 million of such pages, and the number continues to grow at an unprecedented rate. “Pornography is becoming so prevalent on the Internet that it is now difficult to avoid unwanted exposure, and this makes cybersex addiction more likely,” said Dr. Kimberly S. Young, executive director of the Center for On-Line Addiction.
The Bible tells us that “each one is tried by being drawn out and enticed by his own desire.” (James 1:14) Viewing anyone with a computer as a potential victim, peddlers of pornography employ a variety of tactics to appeal to each one’s “own desire,” that is, “the desire of the flesh and the desire of the eyes.” (1 John 2:16) Their intent is to entice—or as Vine’s Expository Dictionary of Biblical Words explains, “to lure by a bait”—unsuspecting Internet users whom they “try to seduce.”—Proverbs 1:10.
Computer buttons

STAY CLEAR OF PORNOGRAPHY!

“Let fornication and uncleanness of every sort or greediness not even be mentioned among you, just as it befits holy people.”—Ephesians 5:3.
“Deaden, therefore, your body members that are upon the earth as respects fornication, uncleanness, sexual appetite, hurtful desire, and covetousness.”—Colossians 3:5.
“This is what God wills, . . . that each one of you should know how to get possession of his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in covetous sexual appetite such as also those nations have which do not know God.”—1 Thessalonians 4:3-5.
Like wicked men in Bible times, pornographers frequently employ deception. It is estimated that as part of an aggressive effort to attract new customers, some two billion pornographic E-mails are sent each day. Often the unsolicited E-mails have subject lines that make them appear harmless. However, opening one can launch a barrage of immoral images that is difficult to stop. Requests to be removed from the mailing list may result in a deluge of further unsolicited pornographic messages.
A birdcatcher carefully places seeds along a path. An unsuspecting bird pecks at one tasty seed after another until snap! the trap is sprung. Similarly, curiosity leads some to nibble at sexually stimulating imagery. And the viewers hope that no one is watching them. Finding it arousing, some return to this exciting and powerful imagery with increasing frequency. Shame and guilt may plague them. In time, what was once shocking becomes ordinary. For those inclined to view pornography, the Internet is like fertilizer that causes desires rapidly to grow into sinful actions. (James 1:15) Eventually such individuals may develop “a ‘dark side’ whose core is anti-social lust devoid of most values,” reports Dr. Victor Cline, a clinical psychologist who has treated hundreds of patients who were caught in this snare.

The Dangers of Chat Rooms

Internet chat rooms can be time wasters and are increasingly associated with relationship breakdowns. Expressing frustration over the amount of time his wife spends on-line, one man wrote: “When she gets in from work, the PC goes on and it can be five or more hours before she logs off. Our marriage is suffering as a result.” Yes, time spent on the Internet is time spent away from your mate and family.
Angela Sibson, chief executive of the marriage guidance service Relate, says that the Internet “is a gateway to other relationships. They can be very potent and break up existing relationships.” What starts as a friendly on-line conversation in a chat room can quickly become something more serious. Intent on engaging in immoral relations, those “cunning of heart” use “smoothness of the tongue” to tell potential victims what they want to hear. (Proverbs 6:24; 7:10) Nicola, a 26-year-old victim from the United Kingdom, explains: “It was like a love bombardment. He kept saying how wonderful I was and I fell for it.” Dr. Al Cooper, editor of Sex and the Internet: A Guidebook for Clinicians, says that we need to “warn people about the slippery slope that starts with online flirting and too often ends in divorce.”
Children are even more vulnerable to exploitation and harm by “computer-sex offenders.” Using “crookedness of speech” and “deviousness of lips,” pedophiles target inexperienced children. (Proverbs 4:24; 7:7) Engaging in a practice known as grooming, they shower the child with attention, affection, and kindness to make the youngster feel special. They seem to know everything a child is interested in, including that one’s favorite music and hobbies. Minor problems at home are accentuated in order to drive a wedge between the child and his or her family. To fulfill their evil desires, predators may even send their target victim a ticket to travel cross-country. The results are frightening.

Bible Principles Can Safeguard You

After assessing the dangers, some people have concluded that it is better for them to avoid using the Internet altogether. However, it must be acknowledged that only a small percentage of sites on the Internet pose a danger and that most users have not experienced serious problems.
Thankfully, the Scriptures provide guidance to “safeguard” us from danger. We are encouraged to acquire knowledge, wisdom, and thinking ability. Such qualities will ‘keep guard over us’ to ‘deliver us from the bad way.’ (Proverbs 2:10-12) “But wisdom itself—from where does it come?” asked God’s ancient servant Job. The answer? “The fear of Jehovah—that is wisdom.”—Job 28:2028.
“The fear of Jehovah,” which “means the hating of bad,” is the basis for developing godly attributes. (Proverbs 1:7; 8:13; 9:10) Love and reverence for God, along with a healthy respect for his power and authority, result in our hating and avoiding the bad things he hates. Clear thinking ability, coupled with godly knowledge, helps us recognize dangers that can poison our mind, heart, and spirituality. We come to abhor selfish and greedy attitudes that can wreck our family and destroy our relationship with Jehovah.
So if you use the Internet, be aware of the dangers. Be resolved to keep God’s commandments, and avoid flirting with trouble. (1 Chronicles 28:7) Then, if Internet dangers confront you, you will wisely flee from them.—1 Corinthians 6:18.
 
   
Computer buttons

BEWARE OF INTERNET CHAT ROOMS!

A young girl visiting a chat room on the Internet A female police detective specializing in Internet crime invited Awake! to see the dangers of Internet chat rooms. She entered a chat room, posing as a 14-year-old girl. After just a few seconds, a number of individuals made contact. The strangers asked such questions as: “Where are you from?” “Are you a girl or a boy?” “Can we talk?” Several responses were from suspected sexual predators whom the police were tracking. That shows how easily a pedophile can get into a chat room with your child!
Some parents think that children are safe when using chat rooms because their conversations are accessible by everyone in the chat room while the discussion is taking place. However, once in a chat room, you can be invited to have a one-on-one conversation. Referring to this practice, sometimes called whispering, the United Kingdom’s Internet Taskforce on Child Protection warns: “This is like stepping out of a party full of people into a private room and having a separate conversation with a stranger.”
It is also important for parents to understand that most pedophiles want to do more than chat with a child. A paper prepared by the Internet Crime Forum reports: “Contact initiated in chat rooms may well be developed through other media, such as email and (mobile) phone.” A report from the U.S. Federal Bureau of Investigation states: “While talking to a child victim on-line is a thrill for a computer-sex offender, it can be very cumbersome. Most want to talk to the children on the telephone. They often engage in ‘phone sex’ with the children and often seek to set up an actual meeting for real sex.”
To accomplish this, computer-sex offenders will give out their phone number. Should your child call them, caller ID will reveal the child’s phone number. Other predators have toll-free numbers or tell the child to call collect. Some have even sent the child a cell phone. Offenders may also send letters, photographs, and gifts.
Children are not the only ones succumbing to the dangers of chat rooms. Using smooth speech to tell women what they wanted to hear, one man recently made six women in the United Kingdom fall in love with him at the same time. One of the victims, Cheryl, an attractive 27-year-old postgraduate student, said: “I just can’t explain it now. It became so intense it took over my whole life.”
“Women find cyberspace comforting because they are not being judged by their looks,” said Jenny Madden, the founder of Women in Cyberspace. “But they also leave themselves very open to manipulation because there is a tendency, in chat rooms particularly, to give away a lot about yourself very quickly.”
A man typing on a computer “All I have to do is turn on my computer and I have thousands of women to choose from,” said one man questioned for a University of Florida research study conducted by Beatriz Avila Mileham. She stated: “The internet will soon become the most common form of infidelity, if it isn’t already.” “We are hearing from therapists around the country reporting online sexual activity to be a major cause of marital problems,” said Dr. Al Cooper, editor of the book Sex and the Internet: A Guidebook for Clinicians.
In view of these sobering facts, it is wise to take sensible precautions when using the Internet. Talk to your children, and teach them how to protect themselves from danger. Equipped with proper knowledge, you can avoid the dangers of the Internet.—Ecclesiastes 7:12.

CHILDREN ONLINE What Parents Can Do

AS A parent, which situation would make you more nervous—knowing that your son or daughter had the keys to the family car or knowing that he or she had unrestricted access to the Internet? Both activities involve a measure of danger. And both require a level of responsibility. Parents cannot forever restrict their children from operating a vehicle, but they can make sure that their children are taught to drive safely. Many parents take a similar approach to use of the Internet. The following Bible principles will help.
“Everyone shrewd will act with knowledge.” (Proverbs 13:16) Parents whose children have Internet access need to have a basic understanding of how the Internet works and what their children are doing when instant messaging, browsing Web pages, or engaging in other online activities. “Don’t conclude that you are too old or uneducated to learn,” says Marshay, a mother of two. “Keep up with the technology.”
Experts believe that up to 750,000 predators may be online on a daily basis, trolling Internet chat rooms and dating services
“You shall put a railing around your [flat] roof, so that no one may fall from there.” (Deuteronomy 22:8, The Amplified Bible) Internet service providers and software programs may offer parental controls that act as “railings” to block inappropriate pop-ups and access to harmful sites. Some programs can even help prevent children from revealing personal information, such as their name or address. It should be realized, however, that such parental controls are not foolproof. Also, many older children who are computer literate learn how to bypass them.
“One isolating himself will seek his own selfish longing; against all practical wisdom he will break forth.” (Proverbs 18:1) A study in the United Kingdom revealed that nearly 1 in 5 youths between the ages of 9 and 19 had Internet access in their bedroom. Having the computer in a busy area helps parents to keep tabs on what their children are doing online and may encourage the children to avoid undesirable sites.
In the United Kingdom, 57 percent of youths between the ages of 9 and 19 who use the Internet weekly have come into contact with pornography; however, only 16 percent of parents believe that their child has seen pornography on the Internet
“Keep strict watch that how you walk is not as unwise but as wise persons, buying out the opportune time for yourselves, because the days are wicked.” (Ephesians 5:15, 16) Decide when children can use the Internet, the length of time they can be online, and the type of sites they can and cannot visit. Discuss your guidelines with your children, and make sure that they understand them.
Of course, you cannot monitor your children when they are outside the home. It is important, therefore, to instill proper values in your children so that they will make wise decisions when they are not in your presence.* (Philippians 2:12) Spell out clearly what the consequences will be if your rules regarding the Internet are broken. Then enforce those rules.
“[A good mother] is watching over the goings-on of her household.” (Proverbs 31:27) Monitor your children’s use of the Internet, and let them know that you will be doing so. This is not an invasion of privacy. Remember, the Internet is a public forum. The Federal Bureau of Investigation in the United States recommends that parents maintain access to their children’s online accounts and randomly check their e-mail and the Web sites that they have visited.
A mother and her son using the Internet
Can you teach your child how to use the Internet responsibly?
“Thinking ability itself will keep guard over you, discernment itself will safeguard you, to deliver you from the bad way, from the man speaking perverse things.” (Proverbs 2:11, 12) Monitoring and tracking will go only so far. The values you teach—and the example you set—will go much further in protecting your children. So take time to discuss with your children what can happen on the Internet. An open line of communication with your children is your best defense against online dangers. “We talked to both of our boys about ‘bad’ people on the Net,” says Tom, a Christian father. “We also explained what pornography is, why it should be avoided, and why they should never communicate with strangers.”
In the United States, 93 percent of youths between the ages of 12 and 17 use the Internet

You Can Protect Your Children

Protecting your children from online dangers takes effort, and electronic access to media is constantly changing. New technologies may bring unique advantages and unprecedented risks to children. How can parents prepare their children for future dangers? “Wisdom is for a protection the same as money is for a protection,” says the Bible.—Ecclesiastes 7:12.
Help your children to become wise. Also help them to understand how to avoid online dangers and use the Internet responsibly. Thus, the Internet can be a tool that will not threaten the safety of your children.

*  Parents should remember that many youths can gain access to the Internet via cell phones, other handheld devices, and even some video-game consoles.

CHILDREN ONLINE What Parents Should Know

CHILDREN ONLINE
What Parents Should Know

FOR a time, it seemed that Internet safety was simply a matter of computer location. Keep the computer in a public area, it was thought, and your children will be less likely to veer toward the dark side of cyberspace. While that notion is still valid—common sense dictates against giving children Internet access in the privacy of their bedroom—it is not the final word in safety. These days wireless connections make it possible for youngsters to take the Internet with them wherever they go. Even many cell phones are equipped with online access. Then there are Internet cafés, Internet kiosks, libraries, and the old standby, a friend’s house. With so many options, it is easy to see how a youth’s online escapades can slip past a parent’s radar.
Consider some of the online activities that many youths are attracted to and their potential dangers.

E-MAILS

What are they? Written messages that are sent electronically.
An E-mail message What is the appeal? E-mail is a fast and inexpensive way to correspond with friends and family.
What you should know. Unsolicited e-mails, often called spam, can be more than just a nuisance. Often they contain suggestive or blatantly obscene content. Links inside messages may prompt the user—including an unsuspecting child—to volunteer personal information, which can lead to identity theft. Replying to such e-mails—even with the firm request to stop sending e-mails—will confirm that the user has an active e-mail address, which may lead to further unsolicited e-mails.
In India the sharp rise in the number of Internet users—up 54 percent in just one year—is largely attributed to youths

WEB SITES

A web site What are they? Collections of electronic pages created and maintained by organizations, educational institutions, businesses, and individuals.
What is the appeal? Millions of sites are available, providing youths with endless opportunities to shop, do research, connect with friends, and play or download games and music.
What you should know. The Web has been exploited by all manner of unscrupulous individuals. Many Web sites feature explicit sex, and these are easy for the unwary to stumble upon. In the United States, for example, 90 percent of youths surveyed between the ages of 8 and 16 said that they had unintentionally encountered pornography online—in most cases while doing homework!
The Web also provides easy access to sites that promote teen gambling. In Canada, nearly 1 in 4 males surveyed in grades 10 and 11 admitted to having visited such sites, and experts are understandably concerned because of the highly addictive nature of online gambling. Then there are so-called pro-ana Web sites that glorify “the anorectic lifestyle.”* Meanwhile, hatemongering sites target minority religious and ethnic groups. Some sites teach how to make bombs, concoct poisons, and conduct terrorist operations. Depictions of extreme violence and bloody gore are prevalent in online games.

*  Many pro-ana sites and organizations claim that they do not promote anorexia. Some of these, however, present anorexia as a lifestyle choice rather than as a disorder. Forums on such sites provide information on how to conceal one’s actual body weight and how to hide irregular eating habits from parents.

CHAT ROOMS

What are they? Electronic spaces for live text conversation, usually centered around a specific topic or interest.
What is the appeal? Your child can communicate with a number of individuals whom he or she may never have met but who share a common interest.
What you should know. Predators commonly frequent chat rooms hoping to lure a child into an online or even a face-to-face sexual encounter. Consider what happened when one of the authors of the book What in the World Are Your Kids Doing Online? was researching Internet safety. As part of her research, she posed online as a 12-year-old. “Almost immediately,” reports the book, “she was invited by someone into a private chat room. She claimed she didn’t know how to get into it, and her helpful new friend walked her through the process. Then he wanted to know if she wanted to have [online] sex.”

INSTANT MESSAGES

What are they? Live text conversations between two or more individuals.
What is the appeal? With instant messaging, a user can choose which of his friends he will converse with, selecting from a contact list he has created. Not surprisingly, a Canadian study reports that 84 percent of 16- and 17-year-olds instant message their friends and that they do this for more than an hour a day.
What you should know. Instant-message conversations can be distracting if your child is supposed to be studying or engaging in another activity that requires concentration. In addition, how can you be sure with whom your son or daughter is communicating? After all, you cannot hear the conversation.
An instant message

BLOGS

What are they? Online diaries.
A blog What is the appeal? Blogging gives youths the opportunity to write about their thoughts, passions, and activities. Most blogs allow space for readers to leave comments, and many kids are thrilled to know that someone has responded to their writing.
What you should know. A blog is open to the public. Some youths carelessly reveal information that can be used to identify their family, school, or home address. Another factor: Blogs can harm reputations, including the blogger’s own. For instance, some employers consult an applicant’s blog when considering whether to hire that person.
“A parent may see a Web cam as an easy and inexpensive way for a child to communicate with friends or relatives, but a predator sees it as an open window into a child’s bedroom.”
—Robert S. Mueller III, director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation

ONLINE SOCIAL NETWORKS

A web site What are they? Sites that allow youths to create a Web page and enhance it with pictures, videos, and blogs.
What is the appeal? Creating and enhancing a Web page enables a young person to express his or her identity. Online social networks allow young ones to meet many new “friends.”
What you should know. “A social networking site is like an online party,” says a girl named Joanna. “Some very scary people can show up.” The personal information posted on social networks can be exploited by unscrupulous youths and adults. Thus, Internet safety expert Parry Aftab calls such sites “one stop shopping for sexual predators.”
Furthermore, Internet friendships tend to be superficial. On their Web pages, some youths accumulate a number of online contacts whom they have never met face-to-face, simply to appear popular to others who visit their site. In her book Generation MySpace, Candice Kelsey writes that it really comes down to “judging a person’s social stock value merely by how many other people like him or her.” She adds: “This commodities-trading style of relating reduces our children to nonhuman entities and places an inordinate amount of pressure to represent themselves in whatever way will gain them more friends.” Thus, What in the World Are Your Kids Doing Online? asks a valid question: “How do you make it clear that children need to develop empathy and compassion when the electronic world allows them to meet and discard people at the drop of a hat?”

A House Divided The Impact of Divorce on Adolescents

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

THE experts thought they had it right. ‘You need to focus on your happiness,’ they advised parents in troubled marriages, quickly adding: ‘Don’t worry about the children. They’re resilient. It’s easier for them to deal with divorce than to live with two parents who can’t get along!’

Yet, some counselors who once sang the praises of divorce have changed their tune. ‘Divorce is war,’ they now say. ‘Neither party walks away without wounds; nor do the children.’

The Myth of Easy Divorce

It could make a hit TV sitcom. The plot? Dad and Mom divorce. Mom gets custody of the children and then marries a widower with children of his own. Week after week the mismatched family faces one absurd predicament after another—each one being resolved in 30 minutes flat with no shortage of witty humor in the process.

Perhaps the above situation makes for entertaining TV. But a real-life divorce is no sitcom. On the contrary, the process is painful. “Divorce is litigation,” writes M. Gary Neuman in his book Emotional Infidelity. “Someone is suing someone. The second you decide to divorce, you are giving up control over your child. You are also giving up control over your finances, and perhaps even where you will live. You may resolve your issues in mediation, but maybe not. Ultimately, a stranger called a judge could be the one to tell you how often you will see your child and how much of your money you will keep. Unfortunately, that stranger doesn’t think exactly like you.”

Often, divorce merely exchanges one set of problems for another. Indeed, everything from living arrangements to financial status may change—and likely not for the better. And then there is the impact divorce has on children.

A bride choosing a groom

‘THIS TIME I’LL GET IT RIGHT’

Studies reveal that second marriages have a higher failure rate than first ones, and third marriages fare even worse. In his book Emotional Infidelity, M. Gary Neuman points out one reason for this. “If you have difficulties in your first marriage,” he writes, “it’s not all about your poor choice of a spouse. It’s about you. You fell in love with this person. You worked with this person to create whatever you have or don’t have.” Neuman’s conclusion? “It’s better to get rid of the problem and keep your spouse than to get rid of your spouse and keep the problem.”

Divorce and Adolescents

Divorce can devastate children, regardless of their age. Some claim that adolescents fare better. After all, the reasoning goes, they are more mature and are in the process of separating from their parents anyway. However, researchers see a flip side to the coin. They have found that because of those very factors, divorce can hit adolescents the hardest.* Consider the following:

  • As they navigate their way toward adulthood, adolescents are highly insecure, perhaps even more so than when they were children. Do not let their independent streak fool you—adolescents need the anchor of family stability as never before.
  • At the very time in life when adolescents are learning to forge mature friendships, divorce teaches them to be skeptical of such values as trust, loyalty, and love. Later, as adults, they may avoid close relationships altogether.
  • While it is common for children of all ages to act out their pain, adolescents are more likely to do so in dangerous ways, including delinquency, alcohol abuse, and drug abuse.

This is not to say that adolescents whose parents divorce are doomed emotionally or otherwise. They can succeed, especially if they have a relationship with both parents.# However, it is naive to think that divorce will always be, as some might say, ‘better for the children’ or that it will put an end to all tension between spouses. In fact, some find that they have to deal more with their “intolerable” spouse after the divorce than before and on much more volatile issues, such as financial support or child custody. In such cases divorce does not end family problems; it simply moves them to a different arena.

IF A MARRIAGE ENDS

The Bible acknowledges that extreme circumstances may lead to divorce.* If that is the case in your family, how can you help your adolescent children to cope?

Tell your adolescent what is happening. If possible, both parents should do this. Together, let your adolescent know that the decision to divorce is final. Give assurance that he or she is not to blame and will continue to be loved by both parents.

Get off the battlefield—the war is over. Some parents remain entangled in conflict long after the divorce. They become, as one expert puts it, “legally divorced but still emotionally betrothed combatants who have not been able to negotiate a truce with peace.” Not only does this deprive adolescents of their parents—since Dad and Mom always seem caught up in one skirmish or another—but it also encourages them to pit one parent against the other in order to get their way. For instance, a boy might tell his mother: “Dad lets me stay out as late as I want. Why won’t you?” Not wanting her son to defect to the “enemy camp,” Mom relents.

A divorced father and his son

If you share custody, encourage your adolescent to have a healthy relationship with your ex-spouse

Let your adolescent talk. Adolescents may reason, ‘If my parents stopped loving each other, they may stop loving me’ or ‘If my parents broke the rules, why can’t I?’ To alleviate your adolescent’s fears and to correct flawed thinking, give him or her plenty of opportunity to talk. But a caution: Do not switch roles and look to your adolescent for emotional support. This is your child, not your confidant.

Encourage the adolescent to have a healthy relationship with your ex-spouse. The person you divorced is your ex-spouse but not your child’s ex-parent. Bad-mouthing that person is damaging. Says the book Teens in Turmoil—A Path to Change for Parents, Adolescents, and Their Families: “If parents choose to use their children as artillery on the divorce battlefield, they must expect to reap what they have sown.”

Take care of yourself. At times, you will feel overwhelmed. But do not give up. Maintain a healthy routine. If you are a Christian, stay involved in spiritual activities. Doing so will help you and your adolescent to maintain balance.—Psalm 18:2; Matthew 28:19, 20; Hebrews 10:24, 25.


* According to the Bible, only sexual relations outside the marriage provide adequate grounds to end the marriage with the opportunity to remarry. (Matthew 19:9) If unfaithfulness occurs, it is up to the innocent mate—not to family members or others—to decide whether divorce is the best option.—Galatians 6:5.

A Third Option

What if you are in a troubled marriage and have thought about divorce? This article has presented compelling reasons to reconsider. Divorce is not a cure-all for marital misery.

But do not misunderstand: The answer is not simply to tolerate a bad marriage. There is another option—If your marriage is in trouble, why not work to make it better? Do not hastily dismiss this idea by asserting that your marital problems are incurable. Ask yourself these questions:

  • ‘What qualities initially drew me to my spouse? Are not those qualities still there to a degree?’—Proverbs 31:10, 29.
  • ‘Can the feelings that I had before marriage be rekindled?’—Song of Solomon 2:2; 4:7.
  • ‘Despite the actions of my mate, what can I do to apply the suggestions found [in “Secrets of Family Success”]?’—Romans 12:18.
  • ‘Can I explain to my mate (face-to-face or in writing) just how I would like our relationship to improve?’—Job 10:1.
  • ‘Can we sit down with a mature friend who can help us set realistic goals to improve our marriage?’—Proverbs 27:17.

The Bible says: “The shrewd one considers his steps.” (Proverbs 14:15) That principle applies not just when choosing a mate but also when considering what to do about a marriage relationship that is faltering. Indeed, as brought out [in “Secrets of Family Success”], successful families also have problems—the difference is in how they handle them.

To illustrate: Imagine that you have embarked on a long journey by car. It is inevitable that you will encounter problems along the way, including severe weather, traffic jams, and roadblocks. On occasion, you may even get lost. What will you do? Turn around and go back or find a way to overcome the obstacle and move forward? On the day of your wedding, you embarked on a journey that was sure to bring its share of problems, for the Bible says that “those who marry will have pain and grief.” (1 Corinthians 7:28, The New English Bible) The question is not whether problems will arise but how you will face them when they do. Can you find a way to overcome the obstacle and move forward? Even if you feel that your marriage is hopelessly lost, will you try to get help?—James 5:14.

A couple on their wedding day

Work to uphold the commitment you made on your wedding day

A Divine Institution

Marriage is a divine institution that should not be taken lightly. (Genesis 2:24) When problems seem insurmountable, remember the points discussed in this article.

  1. Try to rekindle the love that you once felt.—Song of Solomon 8:6.

  2. Decide what you can do to make your marriage better, and then do it.—James 1:22.

  3. Clearly but respectfully tell your mate—either face-to-face or in writing—what improvements you feel need to be made in the marriage.—Job 7:11.

  4. Get help. You do not have to save your marriage by yourself!

Is Divorce the Answer?

FOUR THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT DIVORCE

A couple thinking about divorce

After assessing the damage, the owners have a choice—either tear down the house or save it.

IS YOUR marriage at a similar juncture? Perhaps your spouse has betrayed your trust or recurring conflicts have sapped the joy from your relationship. If so, you might tell yourself, ‘We’ve fallen out of love’ or ‘We just aren’t meant for each other’ or ‘We didn’t know what we were doing when we got married.’ You could even be thinking, ‘Maybe we should divorce.’

Before making a hasty decision to end your marriage, think. Divorce does not always end life’s anxieties. On the contrary, often it merely exchanges one set of problems for another. In his book The Good Enough Teen, Dr. Brad Sachs warns: “Separating couples fantasize about the perfect divorce—the sudden and permanent passing of gray and stormy conflict, replaced by the cool, comforting breezes of serenity and congeniality. But such a state is just as eternally elusive as is the perfect marriage.” It is important, then, to be fully informed and to approach the question of divorce realistically.

The Bible and Divorce

The Bible does not treat divorce casually. It states that Jehovah God views as treacherous and hateful the frivolous putting away of one’s mate, perhaps with the motive of taking another spouse. (Malachi 2:13-16) Marriage is a permanent bond. (Matthew 19:6) Many marriages that broke up on trivial grounds could have been saved if partners had been more forgiving.—Matthew 18:21, 22.

At the same time, the Bible allows for divorce and remarriage on one ground—sexual relations outside the marriage. (Matthew 19:9) Therefore, if you learn that your mate has been unfaithful, you have the right to terminate the marriage. Others should not impose their views on you, and it is not the purpose of this article to tell you what to do. In the end, you are the one who will live with the consequences; therefore, you are the one who must decide.—Galatians 6:5.

Nevertheless, the Bible states: “The shrewd one considers his steps.” (Proverbs 14:15) Hence, even if you have Scriptural grounds for divorce, you would do well to give serious thought to what that step will entail. (1 Corinthians 6:12) “Some may think that they have to decide quickly,” says David, in Britain. “But having been through a divorce, I can say from experience that time is needed to think things through.”*

Let us consider four important issues you need to think about. As we do, please note that none of the divorced individuals quoted say that they made a wrong decision. However, their comments highlight some of the challenges that often arise in the months and even years after ending a marriage.

1 The Problem of Finances

A mother reviewing her finances

Daniella, in Italy, was married for 12 years when she found out that her husband had been having an affair with a colleague. “By the time I knew about it,” says Daniella, “the woman was six months pregnant.”

After a period of separation, Daniella decided to get a divorce. “I tried to save my marriage,” she says, “but my husband continued to be unfaithful.” Daniella feels that she made the right choice. Still, she relates: “As soon as we separated, my economic situation became disastrous. Sometimes I didn’t even have an evening meal. I would just drink a glass of milk.”

Maria, in Spain, suffered a similar setback. “My ex-husband doesn’t give us any financial support,” she says, “and I have to work very hard to pay off debts he had. I also had to move from a comfortable house to a small apartment in an unsafe area.”

As these experiences show, the breakup of a marriage often deals a devastating financial blow to women. In fact, a seven-year European study revealed that while the income of men increased by 11 percent after divorce, women’s income decreased by 17 percent. “It’s difficult for some women,” says Mieke Jansen, who headed the study, “because they have to care for the children, find a job as well as deal with the emotional trauma of divorce.” London’s Daily Telegraph noted that according to some attorneys, such factors are “forcing people to think twice about splitting up.”

What might happen: If you divorce, there may be a reduction in your income. You may also have to move. If you retain custody, it may be difficult to support yourself and adequately care for the needs of your children.—1 Timothy 5:8.

2 Parenting Issues

“My husband’s unfaithfulness came as a terrible shock,” says a woman in Britain named Jane. “Also, I was devastated to think that he actually chose to leave us.” Jane divorced her husband. She still believes that she made the right decision, but she admits: “One challenge I faced was having to be both mom and dad to the children. I had to make all the decisions myself.”

The situation was similar with Graciela, a divorced mother in Spain. “I was given full custody of my 16-year-old son,” she says. “But adolescence is a difficult time, and I was ill-prepared to raise my son alone. I spent days and nights sobbing. I felt like a failure as a mother.”

Those who share custody may face an additional problem—having to negotiate with the ex-spouse on such delicate issues as visitation arrangements, child support, and discipline. Christine, a divorced mother in the United States, says: “Creating a working relationship with your ex is not easy. There are so many emotions involved, and if you’re not careful, you could end up using your child as a tool to try to manipulate the situation.”

What might happen: The custody arrangements set forth in a court of law may not be what you would prefer. If you share custody, your ex-spouse may not be as reasonable as you would like regarding the aforementioned matters of visitation, financial support, and so on.

“EVERY CHILD’S BIRTHRIGHT”

“When I was five years old, my father had a brief affair with his secretary, and my parents divorced. As far as taking care of me, they did everything ‘right’ according to the wisdom of the day. They reassured me that while they did not love each other anymore, they still loved me, and after my father departed to his bachelor apartment across town, both continued to care for my material needs.

“Two years later my mother remarried, and we moved out of the country. After that, I only saw my father every few years. I have seen him just once in the past nine years. He missed most of my growing up, and he does not know my three children—his grandchildren—except through what I’ve shared with him in letters and photos. They have missed knowing their grandfather.

“As a child of divorce, I grew up without any visible scars. But inside I battled monsters of rage, depression, and insecurity without knowing why. My trust in men was nonexistent. It wasn’t until I was in my 30’s that a mature friend helped me to identify the roots of my hostility and I began to work at letting go of it.

“My parents’ divorce took away from me every child’s birthright—the feeling of being secure and protected. The world is a cold, scary place, but it seems to me that the family unit is a wall against it, where the child can come to feel nurtured and comforted. Shatter the family unit, and the protective wall crumbles too.”—Diane.

3 The Effect of Divorce on You

Mark, from Britain, was betrayed by his wife more than once. “The second time,” he says, “I couldn’t cope with the possibility that it could happen again.” Mark divorced his wife, but he found that his feelings for her lingered. “When people say negative things about her, they think they’re helping; but they’re not,” he says. “Love stays for a long time.”

David, quoted earlier, was similarly devastated when he found out that his wife was involved with another man. “I reacted with total disbelief,” he says. “I truly wanted to spend every day of my life with her and our children.” David chose to divorce, but the breakup has left him with doubts about his future. “I wonder if someone could really love me or whether this might happen again if I remarry,” he says. “My confidence has been shaken.”

If you are divorced, it is only to be expected that you will experience a wide range of emotions. On the one hand, you might still feel love for this person with whom you shared a one-flesh bond. (Genesis 2:24) On the other hand, you might feel resentful over what has occurred. “Even after several years,” says Graciela, quoted earlier, “you feel confused, humiliated, and helpless. Many happy moments from your marriage come to mind, and you think: ‘He used to tell me that he couldn’t live without me. Was he always lying? Why did this happen?’”

What might happen: You may have lingering feelings of anger and resentment over the ways in which your spouse mistreated you. At times, loneliness may be overwhelming.—Proverbs 14:29; 18:1.

4 The Effect of Divorce on Children

Sad children

“It was devastating,” says José, a divorced father in Spain. “The worst moment was when I discovered that the other man was my sister’s husband. I just wanted to die.” José found that his two boys—ages two and four—were also affected by their mother’s course. “They could not come to terms with the situation,” he says. “They didn’t understand why their mother was living with their uncle and why I had taken them with me and moved in with my sister and my mother. If I had to go somewhere, they would ask, ‘When are you coming home?’ or they would say, ‘Daddy, don’t leave us!’”

Children are often the forgotten casualties on the divorce battlefield. But what if two parents just do not get along? In such a case, is divorce really “better for the children”? In recent years, that notion has come under attack—especially when marital problems are not extreme. The book The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce states: “Many adults who are trapped in very unhappy marriages would be surprised to learn that their children are relatively content. They don’t care if Mom and Dad sleep in different beds as long as the family is together.”

Admittedly, children are often aware of parental conflicts, and marital tension can take a toll on their young minds and hearts. However, to assume that a divorce will automatically be in their best interests could be a mistake. “The structure that marriage provides appears to help parents maintain the kind of consistent, moderate discipline to which children respond, even when the marriage is less than ideal,” write Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher in their book The Case for Marriage.

What might happen: Divorce could have a devastating effect on your children, especially if you do not encourage them to have a healthy relationship with your ex-spouse.—See the box “Caught in the Middle.”

This article has discussed four factors that you would do well to consider if you are thinking about divorce. As mentioned earlier, if your spouse has been unfaithful, the decision is yours to make. Whichever course you choose, you need to be aware of the consequences. Know what challenges you will face, and be prepared to deal with them.

After considering the matter, you might feel that the better option is to work to improve your marriage. But is that really possible?

What Would We Do Without Donkeys?

ON THE streets of Addis Ababa—the capital city of Ethiopia, the 16th most populous country in the world—the donkey has long been an important form of transportation. Most drivers of automobiles have learned to adapt to them, aware that donkeys generally know where to go and do not lack determination. While donkeys do not fear heavy traffic, their wide loads are tricky, and they do not look back. So, if you don’t want to brush against the charcoal, dried cow dung, or whatever the load happens to be, you had better move out of the way!

The estimated donkey population in Ethiopia is about five million, almost 1 donkey for every 12 people. Millions of Ethiopians live on isolated hilltops, which are separated by deep gorges. Sections of the country’s large central plateau are divided off by countless small streams. To construct bridges or even unpaved access roads to these locations would strain the resources of any country. So the enduring and sure-footed donkey is an ideal means of transportation.

The donkey can handle just about all of Ethiopia’s many climates—from dry, hot lowlands to alpine regions. And it is splendidly suited for negotiating steep slopes, narrow footpaths, stony riverbeds, muddy passages, and other uneven terrain. It can go where no horse or camel can. For millions of people, the donkey is the main means of transporting goods, especially in cities where many homes cannot be reached by motorized vehicles.

Donkeys are able to negotiate tight corners and wind their way through narrow, fence-lined access paths. They need no costly tires and rarely have problems on slippery surfaces. They carry loads of all shapes and sizes, providing home delivery to almost anywhere. While red-faced car drivers sit blowing their horns, donkeys easily find their way through traffic jams. No policeman would think of fining a donkey when it enters a one-way street from the wrong end. And parking is never a problem. A donkey may sell for about 50 dollars, but when you consider the cost of motorized transportation, there is no comparison!

Donkeys in the Capital

In the morning, donkeys by the thousands travel to Addis Ababa—with a population of over 3,000,000—often from more than 15 miles [25 km] away. Wednesdays and Saturdays are especially busy, as these are the weekly market days. The journey may take up to three hours, requiring departures before dawn. Sometimes their owners walk with them, but more often, they run behind them, hurrying to keep up.

Common loads are bags of grain, vegetables, firewood, cement, and charcoal, as well as metal drums of cooking oil and cases of bottled drinks. Some donkeys carry loads of 200 pounds [90 kg] or more. Long loads, such as bamboo or eucalyptus poles, are tied to their sides and are dragged behind them on the road. Perhaps the most picturesque loads are the high bundles of straw or pressed hay under which the animals almost disappear.

A donkey pulling a cart of straw

On their way to market in the morning carrying their heavy loads, donkeys may trot at quite a speed. Once the sales are completed and their burdens are gone, they return home at a more leisurely pace, even stopping to nibble on vegetation by the roadside. On their days off, donkeys are still used for their daily duties of fetching water and fuelwood. They may also be lent or rented out. Some even belong to “fleets” that are part of professional donkey-pack transport operations! In some places donkeys pull carts, or at times, a pair will pull a fair-size wagon.

Worthy of Respect

Donkeys are relatively maintenance-free. They search out their own food and eat just about anything. When treated well, donkeys become attached to their masters. As to intelligence, they have been rated ahead of horses. They also have an excellent memory for directions. Unaccompanied, they can fetch water from locations over five miles away, only requiring that someone at each end load and unload them. They may even be equipped with bells so that people at addresses along the way can hear the donkey coming and accept its deliveries.

While donkeys are hard workers, they have firm opinions on the size of a maximum load, as well as when a pause is required. In these situations, or when the load has been positioned in a way that causes pain, they may just lie down. At such times they may be misunderstood and abused verbally or physically. You may recall the account in the Bible of this happening.—Numbers 22:20-31.

Donkeys deserve consideration and care. It is tragic when a load is not well secured and shifts, causing the donkey to fall into a ditch and break its legs. Sores, various parasites, foot rot, pneumonia, and other problems can weaken these diligent burden-bearers. In view of this, a modern donkey clinic has been established in Debre Zeyit, not far from Addis Ababa. It is equipped with computers, treatment rooms, vehicles for ambulatory treatment, and even a fine theater for donkey surgery. Thus, in 2002, about 40,000 donkeys received various forms of medical attention.

The patriarch Abraham crossed mountainous terrain with his donkey when on his way to Mount Moriah. (Genesis 22:3) Throughout the long history of the nation of Israel, the donkey was part of daily life. Even the triumphal entry of Jesus Christ into Jerusalem was on a donkey.—Matthew 21:1-9.

In Ethiopia too the donkey has a long history. Yet, here it has not lost its importance in people’s lives. While trucks and cars have changed over the years, the donkey is still the same model. And it is certainly deserving of respect!


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